Christmas day.
This was a Christmas like no other.
Our school has been spending the past week on the beautiful Sunshine coast , on the down side, we have been staying in a shack. Well, it's
supposed to be a "boy's scout lodge" , it's basically in the middle of nowhere in the country side. There are cockcroaches everywhere and massive huntsman spiders ew.
We have no running water, this morning, i had a shower in the rain, it was beautiful and freezing. If we want to brush our teeth or wash our face we have to walk about 2 miles
to this park which has a public toilet. So you can only imagine how attractive I am looking these days. Me, Nat, Claire and Steph decided to get away from everyone
for the night of Christmas eve , so we booked an apartment in this cute rustic town called monteville.
The apartment was luxury in comparison to the shed we are staying in. The owners are the nicest people i know, they let Steph stay for free, they offered us lifts
to and from the town and back to our trash can when we came home christmas day.
Christmas eve was so much fun, i LOVED the fact that Christmas was nothing like a usual Christmas - it made me miss home less. Plus Christmas' are never what they
appear to be. The hype of christmas is so much more fun than the actual day, when there always seems to be some awkward fight or some depressing nostalgic feelings.
This was hands down my favourite christmas ever. We all went skinny dipping the night before in our pool, which was not as secret as we thought . The hotel balcony was
right above us, and a massive family with children were all pointing and laughing at us. We watched wayne's world and wedding crashers... festive films. I LOVE
buying presents , my love language is words of affirmation, but I'm sure it should be gift's because i love buying people presents! I brought nataly a possum, because
we both have an obsession with them, i brought claire this hippy dress to match her new dread's look, and i brought steph some pretty jewlerry just because.
Christmas day was disorientating , it did not feel like christmas at all. Perfect ! It was just what i needed, God is such a provider!!!!
I woke up early and went for a run through the country, it was beautiful. I was shouting and singing worship the whole way. Psycho beahaviour.
We had a healthy breakfast of chocolate cake and just chocolate. We all had another swim, and then got dressed, which was an ordeal for me, as nothing fits me anymore.
We all walked to town and took pictures of the beautiful town, just staring at the mountains and the stunning country side was just breath taking, it was the best
present God could of given me for Christmas ever,
check them out on facebook ! :) We then went back to the lodge about 4 pm. I opened my stocking from
my friends and i got beautiful letters from my friends, vouchers for gloria jeans coffee mmm, an edward cullen bag! :), a pretty skirt, and a tonne of candy.
We then went to the water falls, it was AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING! so, when we was on the coach beforehand, i was so pumped and arrogant "ill do the highest jump" "ill
do it easy" .... however, the walk up down the rocks to even get to the falls was a killer for me, i was slipping and cutting my legs and bleeding everywhere. It
was a nightmare, im the least outdoorsey girl ever. I grew up in Essex. We swam in the falls, and there were leaches everywhere because it had been raining.
Me landon nat claire steph and nick , climbed to the lowest jump , which they say is the lowest , but really its mahooosive. It took me forever and a day to jump.
I kept getting myself syked up for the jump, i was up there for at least 30 minutes just standing on the ledge. Landon was so supportive and encouraging. He said
he would not jump without me because the only way to come down from the rocks is to jump. There is a high risk of death as well!!! YES, DEATH!
Landon said he would jump with me, only if i jumped at the exact same time as him, otherwise if i jumped a second to late after him, my body would hit the water
in an awkward way and i could paralyze myself or hurt him. But i knew I could not jump alone. Seriously, I have such low self esteem around guys lately , but he was
sooooooooooooo supportive, and showed me such brotherly love. He was so patient with me, all the other guys were just jumping and diving showing off. We jumped in the end,
it was so scary, the fall is so long in the air, it was so hard to breathe. My hands hit the water in a weird way, and they are all bruised, my bum is seriously purple
with bruises, and my lower back hurts so much i can't even sit up or lay down. As soon as i got into the water, i wanted to the highest jump, i was so excited with
adrenaline. So me and Landon jumped from the highest jump, it took me ages once again, there were rocks pocking out of the cliff , so you had to run forward to not
land on the rocks. I jumped a second to late so landon dragged me down and i landed on my back first. It was a killer.
But the most amazing feeling in the world.
We all had christmas dinner, it was AMAZING! so yum, we then watched a bug's life!
tomorrow, we are travelling for a whole 17 hours, to airlie beach , its taking 2 days ,we are camping for a night.
the end, i miss u mummy, thank you for my stocking and letter :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx love love love . x
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
baptism! yeyeyey 18th december
18th December Today i was baptised in Australia. "we were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the father we to may live a new life. if we have been united with him in a death like his we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his."- Romans 6v4.
This week we have been having lectures on lordship. I have been learning that worship is not all about me, I need to stop singing songs like "oh how he loves me" ...or... "when the darkness closes in lord still I will say" ... I am becoming a needy christian, just demanding love and comfort from God all the time. Don't get me wrong these songs are amazing , when we need to hear these words and need to feel loved. Yet, I already have the knowledge that he loves me and i know he is faithful. As Christians we need to start worshiping god for who he is, his character and how great, amazing and abundantly giving he is! We are not in a one way relationship with God, i always expect him to give, give , give to me, and my prayers usually resemble a shopping list and i never seem to give back the praise and worship he deserves. Religion teaches us to concentrate on ourselves, and our wrong doing , however we need to quit looking at ourselves, and look to Jesus in us. Who is perfect, righteous and faithful. It is not through our actions that we believe , it is because we believe we change and then our actions change. I never understood why people fasted, committed themselves to quiet times, or worshipped so dramatically . It's because they love God so much. I had no idea that I had such a passion to love my brothers and sisters here, until a few days ago when i realised that Christ lives in them as well, and because he loves me so much i want to love on them as well. The only way we can truly follow Jesus, is to pick up our cross daily and die to ourselves daily. I used to get so frustrated with God, believing that i was healed after one night in one random church in a healing service, then realising that this was only temporary. It's a battle every day, and many battles I will lose, of course, but , the war has been won. I have won! Jesus won, there is nothing i need to strive for or do, he did it , he made a public example, by dragging a cross , pining himself to it and dying for everything i have ever done , dying to all my suffering and pain. I have never understood what dying to myself meant or the extent of that. I have always desired the "easy christian life" , in which Jesus can fit nicely in to my life ... just for Sunday's , while i carry on practicing my sinful nature, and committing the same sinful behaviour,and knowing that Jesus will always be there for me to repent. However, Paul says in the Bible that "I will not give to god which costs me nothing"I was meditating on this thought , and i realised that, no, i probably would not give up my past my hope of being married, my every desire, i will not lay down my earthly possessions, or my need to control my food. Yet, when Jesus came to earth he lay down his all, he died for me. I realised that i needed to die to myself,I am dragging around a dead Esther with me, I am living in the past . That Esther is dead. God covered my sin with his blood. I want to walk in to the calling he has for me, i want to be the Esther he originally created me to be. Our speaker suddenly said during mid lecture, "i know what we should do , we should have a baptism, if anyone wants to be baptised?" Personally, I was baptised as a 4 month baby , so of course i had no choice in the decision. He gave us a few moments to decide, I prayed about it and I felt God say to me, there is no right time to do this , do you want to waste another day Esther? or do you want to be the new Esther i designed you to be ?! ... So, out of the 40 students in my school, about 7 of us decided they wanted to be baptised in my leader Noah's swimming pool... classy. Before hand, they had us all prayed for, by everyone, I had to speak out everything I wanted to say to God. It was so hard to lay down my everything and say goodbye to the past , to the false hope of a future with him, to my eating disorder, to the lies spoken over my life. My identity is not in how i look, or how much weight i lose or gain, not in pretty dresses, or a relationship and the value of that which was laid upon me ,Rather, it is in the girl that God has named me. He calls me by the name beautiful, by the name, loved. I am discovering and i have to constantly remind myself day by day, that God would never create anything ugly or disgusting , but everything beautiful and adored. When i stepped in to the water, Hannah lenz, my one on one said to me that she had a picture of God taking his right hand and pulling me up from the deep dark waters and when I come up I will be called Queen Esther. And i will have the authority and power in me to say NO to the enemy when he comes along,he has no right or place in my life. CHRIST LIVES IN ME! The same power that conquered the world lives in me, nothing is impossible for Jesus, therefore nothing is impossible for me. I am spotless, sinless and pure. Not only has God forgiven me but he has also obliterated my sin. He has made me a brand new creation. I am a slave of Christ, brought by the blood of Christ. A slave is not described because of the way we act but because of ownership. Romans 7 says In me dwells no good thing except Christ. So i went down in to the water , and when i came up i left all my sinful nature and all of myself at the bottom of the pool. I came up as God's child, prepared to be used for his glory in anyway he wants me to be used. I just wanted to run screaming, I WAS SO EXCITED.
This week we have been having lectures on lordship. I have been learning that worship is not all about me, I need to stop singing songs like "oh how he loves me" ...or... "when the darkness closes in lord still I will say" ... I am becoming a needy christian, just demanding love and comfort from God all the time. Don't get me wrong these songs are amazing , when we need to hear these words and need to feel loved. Yet, I already have the knowledge that he loves me and i know he is faithful. As Christians we need to start worshiping god for who he is, his character and how great, amazing and abundantly giving he is! We are not in a one way relationship with God, i always expect him to give, give , give to me, and my prayers usually resemble a shopping list and i never seem to give back the praise and worship he deserves. Religion teaches us to concentrate on ourselves, and our wrong doing , however we need to quit looking at ourselves, and look to Jesus in us. Who is perfect, righteous and faithful. It is not through our actions that we believe , it is because we believe we change and then our actions change. I never understood why people fasted, committed themselves to quiet times, or worshipped so dramatically . It's because they love God so much. I had no idea that I had such a passion to love my brothers and sisters here, until a few days ago when i realised that Christ lives in them as well, and because he loves me so much i want to love on them as well. The only way we can truly follow Jesus, is to pick up our cross daily and die to ourselves daily. I used to get so frustrated with God, believing that i was healed after one night in one random church in a healing service, then realising that this was only temporary. It's a battle every day, and many battles I will lose, of course, but , the war has been won. I have won! Jesus won, there is nothing i need to strive for or do, he did it , he made a public example, by dragging a cross , pining himself to it and dying for everything i have ever done , dying to all my suffering and pain. I have never understood what dying to myself meant or the extent of that. I have always desired the "easy christian life" , in which Jesus can fit nicely in to my life ... just for Sunday's , while i carry on practicing my sinful nature, and committing the same sinful behaviour,and knowing that Jesus will always be there for me to repent. However, Paul says in the Bible that "I will not give to god which costs me nothing"I was meditating on this thought , and i realised that, no, i probably would not give up my past my hope of being married, my every desire, i will not lay down my earthly possessions, or my need to control my food. Yet, when Jesus came to earth he lay down his all, he died for me. I realised that i needed to die to myself,I am dragging around a dead Esther with me, I am living in the past . That Esther is dead. God covered my sin with his blood. I want to walk in to the calling he has for me, i want to be the Esther he originally created me to be. Our speaker suddenly said during mid lecture, "i know what we should do , we should have a baptism, if anyone wants to be baptised?" Personally, I was baptised as a 4 month baby , so of course i had no choice in the decision. He gave us a few moments to decide, I prayed about it and I felt God say to me, there is no right time to do this , do you want to waste another day Esther? or do you want to be the new Esther i designed you to be ?! ... So, out of the 40 students in my school, about 7 of us decided they wanted to be baptised in my leader Noah's swimming pool... classy. Before hand, they had us all prayed for, by everyone, I had to speak out everything I wanted to say to God. It was so hard to lay down my everything and say goodbye to the past , to the false hope of a future with him, to my eating disorder, to the lies spoken over my life. My identity is not in how i look, or how much weight i lose or gain, not in pretty dresses, or a relationship and the value of that which was laid upon me ,Rather, it is in the girl that God has named me. He calls me by the name beautiful, by the name, loved. I am discovering and i have to constantly remind myself day by day, that God would never create anything ugly or disgusting , but everything beautiful and adored. When i stepped in to the water, Hannah lenz, my one on one said to me that she had a picture of God taking his right hand and pulling me up from the deep dark waters and when I come up I will be called Queen Esther. And i will have the authority and power in me to say NO to the enemy when he comes along,he has no right or place in my life. CHRIST LIVES IN ME! The same power that conquered the world lives in me, nothing is impossible for Jesus, therefore nothing is impossible for me. I am spotless, sinless and pure. Not only has God forgiven me but he has also obliterated my sin. He has made me a brand new creation. I am a slave of Christ, brought by the blood of Christ. A slave is not described because of the way we act but because of ownership. Romans 7 says In me dwells no good thing except Christ. So i went down in to the water , and when i came up i left all my sinful nature and all of myself at the bottom of the pool. I came up as God's child, prepared to be used for his glory in anyway he wants me to be used. I just wanted to run screaming, I WAS SO EXCITED.
Friday, December 4, 2009
byron week two
byron bay! week 2. I hope you read the previous blog, because this one will make no sense otherwise! This week has been horrible horrible horrible! I have no energy whatsoever, so i let my memories and past grow stronger and stronger until they were in front of my eyes.I have no respect for myself or my body, so i just ate and ate until i wanted to throw up every day, i am waking up in the middle of the night to make myself throw upand do 200 crunches. I am hating myself more and more everyday, i see no hope. We have been having teaching on evangalism, and on wednesday night we had to act outwhat we had learn and go out to the city and attempt to talk to a group of people about a "deep and meaningful" conversation about god. My heart was not in the rightplace to begin with , i wanted the night to be over as soon as possible so i could go back to the church and throw up my dinner. There was heaps of schoolies out this night, and every one i felt likethey were staring at my horrible body. I was wearing a big jumper (the only thing that does fit me these days) and some shorts, i caught a glimpse of myself in a window walking past, and i startedbreathing so heavily i did not recognise the girl staring back at me. I was breathing and panicKing so much , i just started to run, what was i doing?! I was running away frommy team, i was running towards the ocean. I just kept running. I guess i just wanted to run away from myself. Hannah, my one on one, chasing after meshe stopped me, and was praying for me. I was so angry i did not want anyone to stare at me, let alone pray for me. I did nOt even want them to look at the mess, i felt like an elephant. I spoke with God, i told him i wanted the lies spoken over me to disapear. I have this standard in my head, of being perfect and skinnyand if im not reaching that standard then i might as well eat eat eat , because i am nothing. I hate destroying myself. I know clothes don't identify people but wearingmy pretty dresses and having my hair in a certain way gives me confidence it makes me Esther. That night , i felt dissapointment for myself, after all of last weeks breakthrough withken and after telling the enemy to leave my life, and starting to eat normally... i just slipped back in to old ways. The next couple of days have been horrible, i refuse looking in a full length mirror or going in to clothes shops because i cant stand my reflection. I just look in a compact mirror. My body is hideous. i can't feel my ribs, or my bones anymore. My face is bloated and i hate even writing this out. I hate thinking about why i feel like this. I hate thatwhat happened has had such serious consequences on my life, and the possibility that i am unsure if i will ever over come this, and i hate that he has been let off so lightly. that he can enjoy lifeand be happy and pretend like it never happened, and worse of all to think that he is "better off" and things worked out "for the best" . Which is the most disgusting sick phrase i have ever heard. Do not ever tell me this is gods will for my life, that what happened was for a reason and that this is for the best. Because if i let myself believe that god is not a lovinggod, then i very much doubt i would be here or doing a dts. It is not god's will for me to be like this, to struggle to get out of bed in the morning and to have the same circle of thoughts of notmeeting a standard so starving so binging so throwing up. Speaking this out, and being honest with God helps. I have realised that even if i am angry at god, i am going to run to him with thatnot run to myself, any emotion whether that be, happy, excited, sad, depressed, lonely or angry. I will speak it out to god. I'm in need of healing, true lasting healing. I'm planning not to eat for the next 4 days and then i will be happy. what is wrong with me?!?!?!?!??!?!!??!!?This week, relationships have been on my heart so strong its been a burden. Here at ywam, "special relationships" are totally banned because our focus is supposed to be on jesus. In the begining this rule was an absolute joke, everyone laughed about it. However , recently every girl here is touching a guy on our school, we sit there in lectures and girls are givingback rubs to guys, guys are playing with girls hair. I thought this would not bother me, but o boy does it! It bothers me so much i have to walk away because it makes me feel so awkard. I think its after whats happened to personally and my trust with guys, i just dont want to visually see this immature flirting. These people as far as i know no nothing about love or loss or hurt. That kind of touching should just be for your husband and no one else. Some guys try to draw tattoos on me, or stroke my arm or lean against me, the same as every girl. I dont want that. I see it as an analogy of sweets, if someone puts all their handsand fingers over a sweet and then give it to me, i would not want that sweet. I have made a vow, that i want every touch every cuddle and every kiss to be just for my husband. and i know that might be extreme, and i would of laughed at this before, but its something i so strongly feel and believe. I have been so hurt and abused by men in my life and i am only 18. I only get to live one life and i do not want this lifestyle the rest of my lifeSo i openly apologise for any guy that i have playfully hugged or touched, this is wrong. I am knowingly robbing you of your relationship with your wife. I feel so guilty. I also have a strong heart for the guys here on dts, theres one attractive young guy here from America, i will not say his name, but he has just turned18 and is a great friend of mine and with every otehr girl here aswell, every girl touches him and strokes him and lets them stroke him too. Every girl here is beautiful, if a load of christian good looking guys were touching me up every day i would be in heaven and my focus would not be on jesus, and i would not be the full potentialgod intended me to be. I feel so sorry for this guy, his love language is clearly physical touch, but girls have totally robbed him of his experience, i do not have a clue where his focus is, actually i can see where it is, he seeks out girls all the time to sit next to, he always has to be touching someone. we are trying to raiseup godly men, and lets be honest there is hardly any godly men in this world. Real godly men, that look for the godly beauty in a woman rather than outwardly beauty. We as women, are not being loving to them if we encourage this. Personally i feel so angry at myself that i have settled for less than i deserve in regards to relationships. I will not let myself settle for anything less than a godly man. I do not want to fall inlove with my husband, i want to fall in to god together. I want a man so passionate about god, and i will not let myself anymore go for anything less, even ifthis means waiting forever. I know god has created my perfect somebody, he knows my desire to be married, i truly believe he will not forsake me.I pray so hard that one day, i will be able to believe, that someone will love me whether i am fat or thin. i have been praying so hard every day , that i will be able to look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful, truly beautiful. It is my hearts desire. I know god created me , esther first, he created my smile, my laugh, my character before he put the outward layer on. And i know to him , my original design, the esther heknit together in my mothers womb is absolutley flawless and perfect. I pray one day a man will see this in me, and see me so perfect and beautiful. he will see my passion for Jesus, he will see my character, he will my love, he will see Esther.
byron week one
byron bay. week one! read read read read read this! i am writing this on the church floor that i have been sleeping on for the past 2 weeks. there has been zero internet, so i have not been able to be in contact with the world... no facebook. o dear. 60 girls have been sleeping on this church floor, with one shower! shock horror. It's not been so bad, but living in such closequarters has resulted in people being extremely short tempered. I stupidly forgot to bring a sleeping bag, so i just had a sheet. The first night i probablyhad around an hour sleep or less. However, thank goodness to Nataly, she has been sharing her sleeping bag with me every night.Every night i wake up scratching my legs because they are absolutley covered in bites, you can actually see the spiders and antsall infested in the carpet. Its so itchy to lie down during the night. It's been a preperation for south africa. The first week, was schoolies week. Schoolies is basically when a load of 18 year old Australians graduate from shool and they just go all out and go to the costal parts of Australiaand get drunk, for a week. Apparently its the " thing to do". Its basically like "freshers" for university, but worse, people are doing drugs everywhere, naked everywhere, having sex literally...everywhere. We was volunteering for this organisation called the "red frogs", they are an organisation that give out these red frog sweeties to drunk people.The MAD school, was allocated to day crew, so we had to go to the schoolies hotels or houses in the morning and make them pancakes, clean up their rooms. the schoolies were so schocked by our generosity and love, no one believed we was doing this for free. However i was being paid in eating the red frogs.The first hotel i remember doing , i was so nervous i had no idea what i was going to talk about with these people. In my team was Jess, Nick and Carla. we went to the backpackers inn,which i must admit , was a dirt bag hotel, it was 50 dollars a night and there was 5 of these guys in one room, so they were paying like 10 dollars a night, so 5 pounds. There were 5 guys staying in one room, and they answered the door in just their underwear...o my innocence! They had weed, bongs and alcohol lying around, which we had to clean up, i washed my hands throughly after. The guys there were so grateful and we managed to have a decent conversation, despite it being a tad awkward to begin with. I felt like a bit of a wedding crasher type, crashing in on their party. At the end of every morning i just endedup really angry at these schoolies parents, that they would willingly allow their children to go to these places, knowing all the chaos that goes with it and even worse to give them hoards of alcohol!After making pancakes every morning , you thought we would rest... but o no, it was straight out again. we set up this massive tentin the city and called it the 'hub' and every night we would have pancakes and chai tea there, and we all would wear our really attractive red frog t shirts, and spark up conversations with drunk people about God, something they did not enjoy. It was really odd to be on the outside of the party seenand not involved, i made friends with these girls, liv and rachel, that i met up with most nights at the hub. They seemed like my kind of girls i would be friends with, and i did not see the harm in them having innocent drunk frun. But, by wednesday i woke up with a sicky feeling and i felt so convictedthat i had not even tried to talk about god with them or about my faith i had even avoided it. It made me so sad, that i had missed such an oppurtunity, that i could of had an affect on these girls and planted a seed in their lives. I admited to myself that i was not even willling to go to the extent of making a fool of myself for jesus, when he went to the extent of dying for me. so from then on , i made a vow that i would ask schoolies about their beliefs and about god, without trying to shoving my views down their throat. Even if it was just tobe an example to them, by not being part of that scene and not having the same attitudes to them. The next evening i was feeling so drained and so tired, and after last weeks breakthrough with ken helser, i really felt the enemys attack on me. The feelings of not being good enough and worthless were so strong, i could not even stand walking down the streets of byron and seeing another beautiful girl. Every girl looked like they had lived in topshop their whole life, perfect hair, perfect tan, perfect clothes, perfect body , perfect perfect perfect. I felt like i would be a hypocrite if i was to talk with these peopole about jesus, and how great and beautiful he makes me feel, if i did not reflect that. i wore my hood up the whole of that night and was definatley walking in the oppisite direction jesus had placed for me that night. but god placed the perfect group of people in to my life just then . i saw some of the red froggers talking to this group and i thought i would just stand near by and listen, they heared my english accent, and were totally excited. They were all so thrilled to hear me speak, they kept wanting me to speak to them. I did not even haveto seek my next "victims" out to convert, but they just came to me. There was a guy there, called sam and he was gay. I absolutley adored him. We chatted for hours, and he said he grew up as a catholic and went to a catholic school, but after coming out as gay, his church, family and friends rejected him. He was really hurt by religion, i was so furious. Religion, the church and man really make me so angry, they have painted such a bad picture of church. I agreed with him that religion has messed up,because its built on man, but if you look at the bible and you look to jesus' life, then you can't argue. He lived a perfect life, and he was the one who hanged outwith the sinners, the prosteuts and the drunks. I did not even know what was coming out of my mouth, my words were so annointed by God. I really would not of made it throughthe night without God's strength. The following night , i so excited to get out there and be around these drunks. Byron bay is so amazing , its very hippy and very free. Its like the 70's, seriously google it.I started talking with this boy called josh, he was from england. it was like listening to an angel, i remembered how much i missed home. We talked for 2 hours, and he was so funny, he had moved to australia about 6 years ago, but had spent the past year in the south west, bristol. so he sounded like vikki polard, which just made the conversationall the funnier. he was impressed with the lifestyle i live and the principles i live by. i told him my testimony and how im waiting for marriage, i told him not only can i notdrink but i dont want to. i want my life to reflect and honour god. he was taking the mick and being sarcastic, but it was just the english humour i needed and missed so much i did not mind. he ended up proposing to me. it was hilerious, i said he needed to wait off 6 months though.
true worship. 21st november! read this
21st november 2009hello new world :)Tonight was the night that i had a revelation of god and how beautiful and amazing he is and how much he loves me. i know he is real , i knew tonight that God was nota delusion i created in my mind, he was made so real to me tonight. I sat there tonight in worship, at the end of ken helser's week 'the father heart of god', i was not expecting anything,knowing that god was not going to speak to me. I knew i was going to stand at the back of the room in the dark and watch everyone dancing and worshiping god. I have not wrote a blog in ages, or even commented on the ken helser week, but it was seriously amazing. I have never felt so much love from anyone. Ken is a truerepresentation of jesus, he really does live his life by jesus and acts out his love. His lectures were not based on head knowledge or learning but even more, he wantedto spend time with us individually he wanted to lavish love on us. When he looks at you, its as if he is looking in to you heart. In my life i have met some great christians, my dad is a great preacher, my mum has such a godly passionate heart, and my leaders here at ywam are amazing, but ken truly lives out a jesus lead life. He had a picture of all of us, and he prophesied and prayed over these pictures weeks before he came to be our lecturer for the week. He has no idea what has happened in my life, he made me come up to the front of the class, he hugged me gave me a song that his song jonathon david helser had wrote, 'fly', he believed this song was for me. This song , is the lyrics of my life. "i close my eyes, everything disappears, but your smile. i raise my hands , on a cliff i stand,arms open wide, your the father im the child, you whisper to me, step off the edge leave it all behind, leave it all behind, cut loose , cut loose the ties, let go, let go, for way to long, ive settled for these lies, when so much more was waiting on the other side, i think its time to cross this river so wide, leave these shores, step off the edge, leave it all behind, leave it all behind, cut loose, cut loose the ties, let go, let go, and fly,fly,you were made to fly"That night, i sank in to such depression, i cried and cried, i did not sleep all night. I wanted to die. I packed my bag, and decided i think it was time to go home. I was a lost case, my problems were way to beyond help. I felt like a burden on people, my friends were praying for me constantly and i feel like i am not trying and if anything i am resenting jesus more.I ran to my leaders house, hannah , at about 2 am in the morning i broke down, i was screaming. I have no idea what was coming out of my mouth, i was saying terribledemonised things. I did not go to lectures the following morning, i slept. Sleep away everything. Hannah came and got me, she begged for me to come down, i walked in to the room, everyone was sitting at their tables, sitting on their chairs. ken was at the frontof the class, prophesying over a girl called cherilyn. he turned to me and he started to cry. he came behind me, and was crying, he said jesus told him he was so sorryso sorry that this happened to me, it was never his intention, and he himself will fight for me to live. ken still has no idea what has happened to me or what happenedlast night. So, the 21st of november, back to that night , I had the same kind of healing deliverance prayer again, and outwardly i said i gave up my past but inwardly i refused. Once again i had failed. I stood there, my friend Glory came up behind me and whispered its a "matter of choice, you can get prayer every day, but at the end of the day it is your choicewhether you want to give god your heart or not". So i decided okay , ill do it, even if my worship is just me swaying side to side, and just speaking the words on the screen. God would be proud of me for even trying. I walked to the front of the room, so i could not see anyone and stood there, i said out loud, so loud, "i am yours, i am not his anymore " even though i did not feel anything or belive in these words. My mouth was speaking these words and my heart started to follow. I started to believe in the words so much that i wanted to be gods and not binded by an idol. I repeated it over and over again. I lifted my hands, and i was dancing. I had not even realised, my feet were dancing bythemselves, i was spinning, turning, waving, shouting. worship with a true heart. I had lost the fear of man. and that is when it came over me, i had just given my life to god and had walked away from my past , forgot the lies, refused to die. and chose to live. I cried so hard and fell to the floor. i heard my friends cheering. And thats when i heard for the first time in my life, EVER, the laughter of the living god. His real laugh , him laughing, so happy , so proud of me. I actually heard him. Despite my reluctance not to worship or partake in hearing gods voice. i did ! I cannot describe it in to words. But i know this is so real it is not fake! I cannot stress the fact that i have probably never had a true spiritual vision, heard gods voice clearly, or anything remotley spiritual and finally it was so clear. I SO desperatley needed a revelation of god , so much more exciting , than what i hadexperienced with my past,, because to me, that was the only exciting thing that had happened in my life so far, falling in love with earthly things.And, God gave it to me. i heard his laughter. i heard god laughing with me. I was so ecstatic, i ended up running out into the street and grabbed an old lady and told her that i had just heard gods voice. I had no idea know what to do with myself. I just kept laughing.
Monday, November 16, 2009
hurt
yesterday night i had a dream. i have never had a spirtual dream, but i can only put this one down to god, seeing as its nothing i would dream up of.
i was coming back home, it was a sunday i was about to go church, face my fear. and to be honest, it is my fear. my heart is already in hextable. im not puting my whole heart into australia because im always thinking about "when i get back... " "when he see's me again will i be skinny" "will i pretty enough?". Australia does not matter. It wouldnt even take an apology , it would be so simple and i would go running. I was in my kitchen at home, with my mum telling her how much I have changed after dts and I can't wait for everyone to see how much I have changed. I got to church , and on one side of the church standing there was him and his wife, i know her name i know exactly what she looks like, and on my side was all of my dts friends, we was at the front of the church, barefoot and dancing, WORSHIPING.
and i didnt glance over at the couple to my right , i just started dancing and laughing and I never looked back.
when i woke up i was crying so hard, nataly went to bed with me that night and she wasnt there in the morning and then it dawned on me "i am all alone , i have no one". and its the hardest thing to say out loud. but then i had a wave of contentment. on sunday me and nataly went to the beach we had just made friends with these girls who were backpacking from england, they asked us if we wanted to go out to town next week. i grabbed nataly's hand in the sand, and it was so exciting not knowing whats going to happen next, not having plans mapped out for you and having complete freedom. No, its not as exciting, or "butterfly" giving as the feeling of love, but it was still pretty exciting.
and for the first time in my life, i actually want to be single, which is odd because of always pictured myself in the role of a wife, so i know this urge must be from god. i want to be alone. Not knowing where my money, or my next plane ticket, or where i will end up gives me such freedom. so that morning i went back to bed.
the day was horrible after that dream, i really felt a heavy calling on me to say it out. to give it all up in front of god. but i kept putting it back.
this morning everyone is supposed to be giving their outreach options, but i didnt care, im still torn between 3 , and so i was stressing out. nataly and liz were on the viranda at about 12, i lay down , curled up, and just sobbed. i dont think i have sobbed like that since it happened, it was almost screams. and i dont know what brought it on.
and i finally said it, i finally laid it down at gods feet. No, i do not understand God's plan or "will" in this. But Im going to trust it.
It hurts so much , but now i know that i dont think going back to hextable is right and i dont think this is the call on my life. I dont think im supposed to be looking back but looking forward.
im seeing this experience more of a second chance in life, to experience so much beauty instead of a healing process. i think in some ways it would of been cruel of god to have left me in that relationship, just to play the role of a wife because even if i cannot see it now, i would of been robbed of so many other experiences.
I love playing the friend, i have never experienced friendships like the ones i have here. so intense and so selfless. I think i am a good friend. I also will not let myself believe, however, easy that might be, that i will never get married. god has put so much love for another on my heart, so so much. he would not design me in such a way for that to go to waste. he wants me to lavish it on another. but im learning , that i do not mind waiting for that.
im struggling so much this tuesday morning, none of my clothes fit, im feeling so vulnerable im just eating beacause i need comfort, im crying all the time, and blocking people out.
i miss you mum so much, and im sorry for being so honest in this.
i was coming back home, it was a sunday i was about to go church, face my fear. and to be honest, it is my fear. my heart is already in hextable. im not puting my whole heart into australia because im always thinking about "when i get back... " "when he see's me again will i be skinny" "will i pretty enough?". Australia does not matter. It wouldnt even take an apology , it would be so simple and i would go running. I was in my kitchen at home, with my mum telling her how much I have changed after dts and I can't wait for everyone to see how much I have changed. I got to church , and on one side of the church standing there was him and his wife, i know her name i know exactly what she looks like, and on my side was all of my dts friends, we was at the front of the church, barefoot and dancing, WORSHIPING.
and i didnt glance over at the couple to my right , i just started dancing and laughing and I never looked back.
when i woke up i was crying so hard, nataly went to bed with me that night and she wasnt there in the morning and then it dawned on me "i am all alone , i have no one". and its the hardest thing to say out loud. but then i had a wave of contentment. on sunday me and nataly went to the beach we had just made friends with these girls who were backpacking from england, they asked us if we wanted to go out to town next week. i grabbed nataly's hand in the sand, and it was so exciting not knowing whats going to happen next, not having plans mapped out for you and having complete freedom. No, its not as exciting, or "butterfly" giving as the feeling of love, but it was still pretty exciting.
and for the first time in my life, i actually want to be single, which is odd because of always pictured myself in the role of a wife, so i know this urge must be from god. i want to be alone. Not knowing where my money, or my next plane ticket, or where i will end up gives me such freedom. so that morning i went back to bed.
the day was horrible after that dream, i really felt a heavy calling on me to say it out. to give it all up in front of god. but i kept putting it back.
this morning everyone is supposed to be giving their outreach options, but i didnt care, im still torn between 3 , and so i was stressing out. nataly and liz were on the viranda at about 12, i lay down , curled up, and just sobbed. i dont think i have sobbed like that since it happened, it was almost screams. and i dont know what brought it on.
and i finally said it, i finally laid it down at gods feet. No, i do not understand God's plan or "will" in this. But Im going to trust it.
It hurts so much , but now i know that i dont think going back to hextable is right and i dont think this is the call on my life. I dont think im supposed to be looking back but looking forward.
im seeing this experience more of a second chance in life, to experience so much beauty instead of a healing process. i think in some ways it would of been cruel of god to have left me in that relationship, just to play the role of a wife because even if i cannot see it now, i would of been robbed of so many other experiences.
I love playing the friend, i have never experienced friendships like the ones i have here. so intense and so selfless. I think i am a good friend. I also will not let myself believe, however, easy that might be, that i will never get married. god has put so much love for another on my heart, so so much. he would not design me in such a way for that to go to waste. he wants me to lavish it on another. but im learning , that i do not mind waiting for that.
im struggling so much this tuesday morning, none of my clothes fit, im feeling so vulnerable im just eating beacause i need comfort, im crying all the time, and blocking people out.
i miss you mum so much, and im sorry for being so honest in this.
Friday, November 13, 2009
bksdfjvsdnvndv
so im sitting next to claire on the top of our bunkbed and i have not managed to stop laughing for the past 2 hours. you know those type of laughs that hurt your belly , that make you either want to go to the toilet or throw up. i have forgotten the reason why im actually laughing. and i just realised, i am so happy. i take my life for granted so much, life is so short. i have been thinking recently that i am nothing in comparison to the grand scheme of things, i am merely 2 seconds in Gods creation. i am not important at all, just a glimpse of life. but if i put myself into gods kingdom, then i think i give myself meaning.
yesterday , our mad group went to the city to the GOMA art museum, that was a fail. Because Noah our leader had no idea that 75% of the museum was closed off. But, how convenient, there was an art museum oppisite. To be honest, I am not the biggest fan of art, i should really appreciate it and i envy those who can just stare at a piece of art for hours. i stand as long as it takes for me to read the little piece of caption below the painting. the museum was not so bad, there was a lot of abstract, the white canvas' painted black annoy me. where is the creativity in that ?! i could do that, and i can just about draw stick people. afterwards we went to southbank in the city (the man made beach) and it was a beautiful day as always, so 40 of us had a traditional australian bbq. in oz, they have outdoor bbq's free to use everywhere, street corners, in parks, on beaches, everywhere! really nice, like a big fat oven outside, how weird! everything is so clean, and ungraffited, makes a change from romford station. we sunbathed for a while, but unfortunatley we had to go back to dreaded dance.
i am actually dreading it recently , i have little confidence as it is, and to stand in front of those great big mirrors for hours in awkward positions my body just won't let me do , makes me feel even more insecure. Plus everyone here is amazing at dancing , i am constantly ranking myself up against the other girls. There is such a pressure on the dancers as a whole, not just to dance well, but to look above compitition and the way we have been trained to dance, but to work as a team and dance for God's glory, as well as having the expectation of eating the right things, having the "dancers body" and working out at least twice a day. The dancing is so intense, i have been working out around twice a day in the gym plus dance workouts in the day , its hardcore. This is good, yet it leaves me little or no time at all to have quiet time with God or even spend time with him. I didnt necessarily come on dts for dancing , i just liked that it was a dancing dts because i enjoy dancing as a hobby and because i get my kicks from it when i manage to get a few moves right but some girls here, dance is their life, they live to dance. it makes me feel bad when i complain and i hate thinking that i am going to let them down, being the fat girl at the back of the room who cannot pick up the moves even though she has been taught 8 times beforehand.
Hannah and maureen taught us some choreography, soooo, okayyy. firstly i looked at the danced with a closed heart and mind, the style was odd to me, i had never danced in this kind of way before. it was almost a cross between hip hop and contemporary and ballet. so very odd.
the beat of the music is to percusion, and the rhythm is so odd, its really hard to be on time. this makes it even worse for me, considering i have no rhythm whatsoever. when i say that people dont understand "but your a dancer , you must have rhythm?" but really i just dance how i feel and hope that my moves connect smoothly.
i started learning the dance with a negative attitude. i was already frustrated with myself about my eating , so just dancing in the mirror made things worse. i picked up the dance okay in the end, and it finally manage to look okay.
i think as a dance group we often forget the real reason why we are dancing , we rarely pray before dance rehearsals and give that time to god, we just jump into it. i have some wonderful girls in my dance group who have so much patience with me, theres this girl called steph, she is beautful , she is a great mentor, she is always first to say she will help someone who is struggling.
so yesterday was difficult, but today has been much better.
blah blah, i wrote all that is above last night but didnt get to post it because internet failed. so im going to add a bit of whats happened today.
this morning , i woke up ill! so i crawled into bed with nataly, she played with my hair so that made me feel better. she annoyingly doesnt live in our room, which is probably a good thing because like me she is messy and steals everyones clothes, so put us together is chaos.
we discovered our outreach places this morning. the choices are:
1. a cruise on the mercy ship travelling around australia for 8 weeks
2. India! going to calcutta.
3. Canada! niagra falls. beautiful!
4. South Africa!
5. Japan!
I have no idea where to go, we are banned from talking amongst each other about it , so our choice is not influenced by our friends. Currently I am torn between 3, I have over the weekend to decide and we have to tell our leaders on tuesday where we will be going. I am going to pray about it, me and Nataly really want a spiritual dream. So we are going to pray tonight and she will sleep in my bed and hopefully God will speak to us. We are fasting together this weekend, anything, just for a sign. I really want my choice of outreach to be completely God chosen.
Okay, i have a book assignment to do this weekend.
Love est. x
yesterday , our mad group went to the city to the GOMA art museum, that was a fail. Because Noah our leader had no idea that 75% of the museum was closed off. But, how convenient, there was an art museum oppisite. To be honest, I am not the biggest fan of art, i should really appreciate it and i envy those who can just stare at a piece of art for hours. i stand as long as it takes for me to read the little piece of caption below the painting. the museum was not so bad, there was a lot of abstract, the white canvas' painted black annoy me. where is the creativity in that ?! i could do that, and i can just about draw stick people. afterwards we went to southbank in the city (the man made beach) and it was a beautiful day as always, so 40 of us had a traditional australian bbq. in oz, they have outdoor bbq's free to use everywhere, street corners, in parks, on beaches, everywhere! really nice, like a big fat oven outside, how weird! everything is so clean, and ungraffited, makes a change from romford station. we sunbathed for a while, but unfortunatley we had to go back to dreaded dance.
i am actually dreading it recently , i have little confidence as it is, and to stand in front of those great big mirrors for hours in awkward positions my body just won't let me do , makes me feel even more insecure. Plus everyone here is amazing at dancing , i am constantly ranking myself up against the other girls. There is such a pressure on the dancers as a whole, not just to dance well, but to look above compitition and the way we have been trained to dance, but to work as a team and dance for God's glory, as well as having the expectation of eating the right things, having the "dancers body" and working out at least twice a day. The dancing is so intense, i have been working out around twice a day in the gym plus dance workouts in the day , its hardcore. This is good, yet it leaves me little or no time at all to have quiet time with God or even spend time with him. I didnt necessarily come on dts for dancing , i just liked that it was a dancing dts because i enjoy dancing as a hobby and because i get my kicks from it when i manage to get a few moves right but some girls here, dance is their life, they live to dance. it makes me feel bad when i complain and i hate thinking that i am going to let them down, being the fat girl at the back of the room who cannot pick up the moves even though she has been taught 8 times beforehand.
Hannah and maureen taught us some choreography, soooo, okayyy. firstly i looked at the danced with a closed heart and mind, the style was odd to me, i had never danced in this kind of way before. it was almost a cross between hip hop and contemporary and ballet. so very odd.
the beat of the music is to percusion, and the rhythm is so odd, its really hard to be on time. this makes it even worse for me, considering i have no rhythm whatsoever. when i say that people dont understand "but your a dancer , you must have rhythm?" but really i just dance how i feel and hope that my moves connect smoothly.
i started learning the dance with a negative attitude. i was already frustrated with myself about my eating , so just dancing in the mirror made things worse. i picked up the dance okay in the end, and it finally manage to look okay.
i think as a dance group we often forget the real reason why we are dancing , we rarely pray before dance rehearsals and give that time to god, we just jump into it. i have some wonderful girls in my dance group who have so much patience with me, theres this girl called steph, she is beautful , she is a great mentor, she is always first to say she will help someone who is struggling.
so yesterday was difficult, but today has been much better.
blah blah, i wrote all that is above last night but didnt get to post it because internet failed. so im going to add a bit of whats happened today.
this morning , i woke up ill! so i crawled into bed with nataly, she played with my hair so that made me feel better. she annoyingly doesnt live in our room, which is probably a good thing because like me she is messy and steals everyones clothes, so put us together is chaos.
we discovered our outreach places this morning. the choices are:
1. a cruise on the mercy ship travelling around australia for 8 weeks
2. India! going to calcutta.
3. Canada! niagra falls. beautiful!
4. South Africa!
5. Japan!
I have no idea where to go, we are banned from talking amongst each other about it , so our choice is not influenced by our friends. Currently I am torn between 3, I have over the weekend to decide and we have to tell our leaders on tuesday where we will be going. I am going to pray about it, me and Nataly really want a spiritual dream. So we are going to pray tonight and she will sleep in my bed and hopefully God will speak to us. We are fasting together this weekend, anything, just for a sign. I really want my choice of outreach to be completely God chosen.
Okay, i have a book assignment to do this weekend.
Love est. x
Sunday, November 8, 2009
how can I think about loving God if I can't even love myself?
This weekend has been a whirlwind of emotions.
I woke up Sunday morning with this sick empty feeling. I felt so disorientated and panicked when I woke up. Since being here, my memory is so clear, all I do is replay situations of the past year and how I could of been that better person or done things differently. I feel like I have been robbed of this oppurtunity, all my time and emotions are dedicated to someonelse, and not God. I am not appreciating being in Australia, the beautiful new friends I have or the experiences I am running away from. I went down to breakfast and then after breakfast i had my lunch all before 10 am, I was so angry at myself, I just wanted to wish the day away and hide under my bed covers. I ran down the road, and made a collect call to my mum, it must have been about midnight english time but my mum answered anyways, becuase she is amazing.
I cried on the phone and broke down for the first time being here, I sat on the street floor in a public road. I didn't care, I'm fed up of trying to make a good impression or an expectation of being happy.
I yelled and complained to mum about God, not hearing his voice and being frustrated that I cannot stop myself loving someone, when its so easy for the other to stop caring all together. I felt unappreciative telling my mum this, like she has wasted her money sending me here, when all i can do is cry. My mum is one of those special one of a kind mum's that will give up anything, that is possible, to make someone else happy, she does this especially with her children, anything materially or time consuming that i need, my mum will stupidly do her best to go and get it for me, whether that be that new pretty dress in topshop or a ticket to australia, however i could sense the desperation in my mum's voice on the phone when she knows she cannot change how people feel or make certain people love me. I sometimes loath God for giving us freewill, I wish he could just make people love each other or just stop them falling out of love with each other. Things would be so much easier.
I am so angry at God for talking to other people so here so strongly, telling them what to do at home involving relationships, telling Nataly to change from music to dance or telling another girl to staff on DTS next year. Why does he not give me any clear picture of what i should do with my future, I believe I need it most! I feel so lost, only a few months ago my life was mapped out, i knew exactly where i was heading, and who i was going to be with. Being here is like taking medicine, I know its going to be horrible and taste disgusting, but its going to make me better and heal me.
I'm so desperate for God.
So, i slept the day away. Everyone else went to the beach, i woke up around 5.30. Nataly slept in the oppisite bed to me. I shut down to everyone that day, which is unlike me. I normally put on this positive facade and pretend I'm happy when in reality I'm rotting inside.
I went for a walk with Nataly that night and we talked for a bit, when I got back I started to block out any thoughts of home or whats happened this year and it worked, I temporarily was happy again, I had a fun night as usual.
Today, I was planning to go to the city and then to the beach , but its raining just my luck! But i woke up and worked out at 7 am! I felt so good about myself i just wanted to binge eat again, so i binged this morning until i wanted to throw up. I was so angry with myself again, i felt like my day had been ruined so i went for a power walk, as I was walking i bumped in to Dave Niebling he is the base leader of brisbane. If Dave talks to you, its like the Queen talking to you. I have seen him a couple of times round the base and in true Esther fashion i always give him an overly enthusiastic hello. Anyways, just as I was about to burst in to tears and lose perspective, he said hello, and mentioned he had been praying for me. I have never talked to him, I was surprised he even knew my name, I have'nt heard God at all since I have been here, but I am pretty sure that was God in that situation. He said that I always look so happy and friendly and his daughter said the other day that i was the sweetest girl ever. I broke down in front of him and told him its all lies and that I am struggling with an eating disorder, i think he regretted talking to me. He asked me if I would like to talk later that day at 11.30.
So the rest of the morning has been spent reading and writing letters. I have been reading this book "is that really you God?" By Loren Cunningham.. i think?! He was the guy who set up YWAM in the beginning its taking a while to get in to, and at the moment i feel as if i have no strength to read at all. At 11.30 Dave saw me, and he took me out for coffee, I sat there and told him everything how i hated God for leaving me, for not keeping to his promises, i told him about what happened this year , how i can't look in the mirror, and how now I dont even want to dance now because i cant face looking in the mirrors.
He listened to me and watched me cry, and explained that I have commited idoltary, and put other things before God... I was thinking I know this, tell me something new ?! But at that moment it hit me, I talk all the time about wanting to be intimate with God, about asking forgiveness. But I never actually act on it. I have never actually waited for God's response, I just shout at him what I want him to do. If we are supposed to have a relationship with God, I should wait for his response. I should talk, he should talk back, it shouldn't be just one way. So today, I am going to go for a walk, because if anyone knows me, you would know, i feel most rested when im walking or running. And I am going to wait for his response. God talks to everyone in different ways, if you look through the bible, he talked to david through a dream, he talked to moses through a bush, he talked to mary through an angel. I have always believed that God can only talk to me through an audiable voice, but i have noticed that he talks to me through people. I am a people person and God has provided people in my life when i needed them most, like Jon Wren, to go for a walk with, Elaine Strafford when I need a comforter, Bernine Stewart when I needed to just cry on my kings kids mission and my Mum for fighting my battles. They all probably feel like they have made no or very litty impact in my life, but they really have.
Dave is going to get Hannah (my one and one) to pray for me about my eating and confessing my sins, and hushing the devil's voice and lies out of my life tomorrow, i cant wait. Before he left me he said "this is a new beginning esther i believe it". I can't hear God much at the moment, but I'm pretty sure that was God speaking to me then.
I woke up Sunday morning with this sick empty feeling. I felt so disorientated and panicked when I woke up. Since being here, my memory is so clear, all I do is replay situations of the past year and how I could of been that better person or done things differently. I feel like I have been robbed of this oppurtunity, all my time and emotions are dedicated to someonelse, and not God. I am not appreciating being in Australia, the beautiful new friends I have or the experiences I am running away from. I went down to breakfast and then after breakfast i had my lunch all before 10 am, I was so angry at myself, I just wanted to wish the day away and hide under my bed covers. I ran down the road, and made a collect call to my mum, it must have been about midnight english time but my mum answered anyways, becuase she is amazing.
I cried on the phone and broke down for the first time being here, I sat on the street floor in a public road. I didn't care, I'm fed up of trying to make a good impression or an expectation of being happy.
I yelled and complained to mum about God, not hearing his voice and being frustrated that I cannot stop myself loving someone, when its so easy for the other to stop caring all together. I felt unappreciative telling my mum this, like she has wasted her money sending me here, when all i can do is cry. My mum is one of those special one of a kind mum's that will give up anything, that is possible, to make someone else happy, she does this especially with her children, anything materially or time consuming that i need, my mum will stupidly do her best to go and get it for me, whether that be that new pretty dress in topshop or a ticket to australia, however i could sense the desperation in my mum's voice on the phone when she knows she cannot change how people feel or make certain people love me. I sometimes loath God for giving us freewill, I wish he could just make people love each other or just stop them falling out of love with each other. Things would be so much easier.
I am so angry at God for talking to other people so here so strongly, telling them what to do at home involving relationships, telling Nataly to change from music to dance or telling another girl to staff on DTS next year. Why does he not give me any clear picture of what i should do with my future, I believe I need it most! I feel so lost, only a few months ago my life was mapped out, i knew exactly where i was heading, and who i was going to be with. Being here is like taking medicine, I know its going to be horrible and taste disgusting, but its going to make me better and heal me.
I'm so desperate for God.
So, i slept the day away. Everyone else went to the beach, i woke up around 5.30. Nataly slept in the oppisite bed to me. I shut down to everyone that day, which is unlike me. I normally put on this positive facade and pretend I'm happy when in reality I'm rotting inside.
I went for a walk with Nataly that night and we talked for a bit, when I got back I started to block out any thoughts of home or whats happened this year and it worked, I temporarily was happy again, I had a fun night as usual.
Today, I was planning to go to the city and then to the beach , but its raining just my luck! But i woke up and worked out at 7 am! I felt so good about myself i just wanted to binge eat again, so i binged this morning until i wanted to throw up. I was so angry with myself again, i felt like my day had been ruined so i went for a power walk, as I was walking i bumped in to Dave Niebling he is the base leader of brisbane. If Dave talks to you, its like the Queen talking to you. I have seen him a couple of times round the base and in true Esther fashion i always give him an overly enthusiastic hello. Anyways, just as I was about to burst in to tears and lose perspective, he said hello, and mentioned he had been praying for me. I have never talked to him, I was surprised he even knew my name, I have'nt heard God at all since I have been here, but I am pretty sure that was God in that situation. He said that I always look so happy and friendly and his daughter said the other day that i was the sweetest girl ever. I broke down in front of him and told him its all lies and that I am struggling with an eating disorder, i think he regretted talking to me. He asked me if I would like to talk later that day at 11.30.
So the rest of the morning has been spent reading and writing letters. I have been reading this book "is that really you God?" By Loren Cunningham.. i think?! He was the guy who set up YWAM in the beginning its taking a while to get in to, and at the moment i feel as if i have no strength to read at all. At 11.30 Dave saw me, and he took me out for coffee, I sat there and told him everything how i hated God for leaving me, for not keeping to his promises, i told him about what happened this year , how i can't look in the mirror, and how now I dont even want to dance now because i cant face looking in the mirrors.
He listened to me and watched me cry, and explained that I have commited idoltary, and put other things before God... I was thinking I know this, tell me something new ?! But at that moment it hit me, I talk all the time about wanting to be intimate with God, about asking forgiveness. But I never actually act on it. I have never actually waited for God's response, I just shout at him what I want him to do. If we are supposed to have a relationship with God, I should wait for his response. I should talk, he should talk back, it shouldn't be just one way. So today, I am going to go for a walk, because if anyone knows me, you would know, i feel most rested when im walking or running. And I am going to wait for his response. God talks to everyone in different ways, if you look through the bible, he talked to david through a dream, he talked to moses through a bush, he talked to mary through an angel. I have always believed that God can only talk to me through an audiable voice, but i have noticed that he talks to me through people. I am a people person and God has provided people in my life when i needed them most, like Jon Wren, to go for a walk with, Elaine Strafford when I need a comforter, Bernine Stewart when I needed to just cry on my kings kids mission and my Mum for fighting my battles. They all probably feel like they have made no or very litty impact in my life, but they really have.
Dave is going to get Hannah (my one and one) to pray for me about my eating and confessing my sins, and hushing the devil's voice and lies out of my life tomorrow, i cant wait. Before he left me he said "this is a new beginning esther i believe it". I can't hear God much at the moment, but I'm pretty sure that was God speaking to me then.
Friday, November 6, 2009
i hope your reading this.
I'm very sorry mum I have not been in contact via email or skype, I think Im just going to publicly talk on here to you as well as everyone else who even bothers to read this.
I certainly hope YOU are reading this. I have been going through a really horrible time this week, and i know talking to each other is painful and even thinking about each other is even more heartbreaking. Something you probably love to avoid but I just hope your reading this, because I know you understand me best, and I hope I am in your prayers.
Soooo....
Tonight , my school watched the film 'year one', its the one with Jack Black in it, i think its only a certificate '12' and I'm pretty sure it does not have that much nudety or swearing. But our leader turned it off about half way through because he thought it was 'satanised' (or whatever that means), everyone in my school was disgusted, they thought the film was wrong and felt very strongly against it. They thought that the film was a picture of how our society is and how everyones so blahzay about sex and their disregard for christianity. I instantly thought i had a problem, I dont know if its the culture i live in, or how I've been brought up or the kind of people i mix with. But, I was totally unaffected by the film. I was so angered by the debate we was having afterwards about the film. I felt like I was the only one in the room who did'nt have a problem. Its only a film, why was everyone getting so passionate about it ?! Afterwards me and Nataly went for our ritual nightly walk, and the words that were coming out of my mouth were totally demonised I think. All of my thoughts and actions in the past week have been totally under spiritual attack. I think all worship is fake, i think praying is just a bunch of meaningless words and I think God has his favourites, for example, why do some people have these perfect lives so unaffected and others have messed up lives yet try and live the perfect christian life. I feel so distant from God since I have been here, I have not been able to hear his voice or have an image or even a "sign" from him. Is there something wrong with me?! Im trying so hard... okay maybe not that hard. I have not fasted in days and I havent had quiet time or waited on God. I feel like I'm using food as an idol, im filling my body with junk every day and not with God's spirit.
Today, in a lecture, Dave Niebling got all the girls on one side and all the guys on the other. He got all the boys to say sorry to the girls for how they have disrespected them and then all the girls to say sorry to the guys for being so easy and the way we dress. We were trying to represent all the men and women in the world. It was really emotional. Some guy said basically he was sorry for making girls rank themselves, for having standards and he asked us for his forgiveness. I was crying so much, but I so wanted them to say sorry for breaking my heart, for leaving me, for abandoning me and for not caring. But they didnt. I think it would help me forgive. I think i do forgive and I hold no bitterness. But maybe it will help me and my relationship with God. But they didnt. I dont know what God wants me to do or be.
I'm so angry in intercession, everyone prays that clicks will disapear and we will be like a "family" and we pray so desperatley that there will be no attractions between boys and girls on the base, but as soon as that ended and we left the room, everyone started talking about who they liked , who they thought was hot, people went back to their clicks! Whats the point in praying these prayers if no one even means them!?!?!?!?!?!
I hate that lately that every time I open my bible, i want to close it because Im so angry at God. Why am I so full of this anger?!
Besides this, I am so happy. I have the bestest friends here ever. My best friends Nataly and Liz are amazing, they are such great amazing sisters in Christ. They are so on fire for God, and they dont just speak Godly words but act on his word. I want to be like them so much one day. Yet they arent good toe shoes christians, they dont judge and I can talk about to them about my dark thoughts and anger. I wish everyone at home could meet me them, everyone would love them. I love Claire lots too! We are so emo together, we have a coffee addiction and just got off and complain about our lives, its so much fun!
I'm going to fast this weekend, maybe God will talk to me ?!
I have nearly been here for 3 weeks yet it feels like a lifetime, i cannot belive how close I feel with people, Nataly has stayed in my bed for the past few nights. I have decided I hate sleeping on my own, my mind is buzzing with so many questions and I replay what happened in my head all the time.
I never stop thinking about you, sometimes theres moments where i wish you was with me, and could see how beautiful things were, when I laugh i wish you was there to see how happy I am, how much Ive changed from the mess you left me in and when I cry i so desperately wish you was there so I could cry endlessly and let my thoughts run with yours and the times I need you most is when I lay my head down on my pillow at night and I wish you was with me so we could laugh about the day, laugh at peoples misfortunes, laugh at how silly we are and kiss me goodnight. Those are the times I need you most. But sleeping next to a friend helps, because i talk about my feelings out loud and it helps so much rather than them be swimming around in my head. I think God has blessed with me so many amazing friends. He is my provider.
thats all i know so far about him. At home I thought i was so hot on my relationship with God, but that was all on surface. I'm learning here that it goes deeper than that, and i have a hunger for that kind of relationship. Its only week three, things may change.
I want to change.
The other night in worship God told me to lay down all my desires and wants at his feet, this is a thing everyone knows im struggling with. I mean how do you turn off love and give it in. i put my desire on such a pedastool i dont think im ready to give it to god or fill that hole. i just know i have nothing to go back for i know this is where im supposed to be and i TRUST in god that he has great plans for my life and yours equally. i dont think ill be coming back to hextable, i dont feel right there. Im seeing what god has in store for me, but seeing as i cant hear his voice at all its going to be a battle discovering where in the world im supposed to be.
I hope YOU have read this, i beg of you, just this, keep me in your prayers.
Dear mum,
I miss you so much. I need you so much sometimes, i feel as if i lose perspective over my life and the reason why I'm here. But at the same time, I am so happy i have never laughed so much in life with the people here. Im growing and changing so much . I'm being broken down and streched so much . I just need to be built up again. Today, i needed you so much , I know this is terrible to admit, but today everyone was praying for God to come i was praying that you would come to me. I was so desperate to talk to you. Im so lucky to have a mum like you, your my confidence and my best friend. I cant think of a better mum to have brought me up i feel so much empathy for some peoples upbringing here when they shared it in their testimonies and how they never had a mother like you. I wish everyone could meet you. i cant wait to see you. I miss giggling over silly girly stuff and watching sex and the city and crying in to your lap about my problems and the way you take me for drives and having coffee in expensive places and talking. i seriously have never appreciated you more than now.
Thank you. p.s. i found this amazing charity shop down our road, they sell really dirt cheap nice vintage clothes for like $5. i brought a dress there for $8 and a vintage real leather belt for $2 .. thats where i will be shopping forever. and your packages havent yet come. but im glad you liked my cards... did you have fun reading the australian slang?! xxxxx love you lots, yours always est.xxxxxxxx
I certainly hope YOU are reading this. I have been going through a really horrible time this week, and i know talking to each other is painful and even thinking about each other is even more heartbreaking. Something you probably love to avoid but I just hope your reading this, because I know you understand me best, and I hope I am in your prayers.
Soooo....
Tonight , my school watched the film 'year one', its the one with Jack Black in it, i think its only a certificate '12' and I'm pretty sure it does not have that much nudety or swearing. But our leader turned it off about half way through because he thought it was 'satanised' (or whatever that means), everyone in my school was disgusted, they thought the film was wrong and felt very strongly against it. They thought that the film was a picture of how our society is and how everyones so blahzay about sex and their disregard for christianity. I instantly thought i had a problem, I dont know if its the culture i live in, or how I've been brought up or the kind of people i mix with. But, I was totally unaffected by the film. I was so angered by the debate we was having afterwards about the film. I felt like I was the only one in the room who did'nt have a problem. Its only a film, why was everyone getting so passionate about it ?! Afterwards me and Nataly went for our ritual nightly walk, and the words that were coming out of my mouth were totally demonised I think. All of my thoughts and actions in the past week have been totally under spiritual attack. I think all worship is fake, i think praying is just a bunch of meaningless words and I think God has his favourites, for example, why do some people have these perfect lives so unaffected and others have messed up lives yet try and live the perfect christian life. I feel so distant from God since I have been here, I have not been able to hear his voice or have an image or even a "sign" from him. Is there something wrong with me?! Im trying so hard... okay maybe not that hard. I have not fasted in days and I havent had quiet time or waited on God. I feel like I'm using food as an idol, im filling my body with junk every day and not with God's spirit.
Today, in a lecture, Dave Niebling got all the girls on one side and all the guys on the other. He got all the boys to say sorry to the girls for how they have disrespected them and then all the girls to say sorry to the guys for being so easy and the way we dress. We were trying to represent all the men and women in the world. It was really emotional. Some guy said basically he was sorry for making girls rank themselves, for having standards and he asked us for his forgiveness. I was crying so much, but I so wanted them to say sorry for breaking my heart, for leaving me, for abandoning me and for not caring. But they didnt. I think it would help me forgive. I think i do forgive and I hold no bitterness. But maybe it will help me and my relationship with God. But they didnt. I dont know what God wants me to do or be.
I'm so angry in intercession, everyone prays that clicks will disapear and we will be like a "family" and we pray so desperatley that there will be no attractions between boys and girls on the base, but as soon as that ended and we left the room, everyone started talking about who they liked , who they thought was hot, people went back to their clicks! Whats the point in praying these prayers if no one even means them!?!?!?!?!?!
I hate that lately that every time I open my bible, i want to close it because Im so angry at God. Why am I so full of this anger?!
Besides this, I am so happy. I have the bestest friends here ever. My best friends Nataly and Liz are amazing, they are such great amazing sisters in Christ. They are so on fire for God, and they dont just speak Godly words but act on his word. I want to be like them so much one day. Yet they arent good toe shoes christians, they dont judge and I can talk about to them about my dark thoughts and anger. I wish everyone at home could meet me them, everyone would love them. I love Claire lots too! We are so emo together, we have a coffee addiction and just got off and complain about our lives, its so much fun!
I'm going to fast this weekend, maybe God will talk to me ?!
I have nearly been here for 3 weeks yet it feels like a lifetime, i cannot belive how close I feel with people, Nataly has stayed in my bed for the past few nights. I have decided I hate sleeping on my own, my mind is buzzing with so many questions and I replay what happened in my head all the time.
I never stop thinking about you, sometimes theres moments where i wish you was with me, and could see how beautiful things were, when I laugh i wish you was there to see how happy I am, how much Ive changed from the mess you left me in and when I cry i so desperately wish you was there so I could cry endlessly and let my thoughts run with yours and the times I need you most is when I lay my head down on my pillow at night and I wish you was with me so we could laugh about the day, laugh at peoples misfortunes, laugh at how silly we are and kiss me goodnight. Those are the times I need you most. But sleeping next to a friend helps, because i talk about my feelings out loud and it helps so much rather than them be swimming around in my head. I think God has blessed with me so many amazing friends. He is my provider.
thats all i know so far about him. At home I thought i was so hot on my relationship with God, but that was all on surface. I'm learning here that it goes deeper than that, and i have a hunger for that kind of relationship. Its only week three, things may change.
I want to change.
The other night in worship God told me to lay down all my desires and wants at his feet, this is a thing everyone knows im struggling with. I mean how do you turn off love and give it in. i put my desire on such a pedastool i dont think im ready to give it to god or fill that hole. i just know i have nothing to go back for i know this is where im supposed to be and i TRUST in god that he has great plans for my life and yours equally. i dont think ill be coming back to hextable, i dont feel right there. Im seeing what god has in store for me, but seeing as i cant hear his voice at all its going to be a battle discovering where in the world im supposed to be.
I hope YOU have read this, i beg of you, just this, keep me in your prayers.
Dear mum,
I miss you so much. I need you so much sometimes, i feel as if i lose perspective over my life and the reason why I'm here. But at the same time, I am so happy i have never laughed so much in life with the people here. Im growing and changing so much . I'm being broken down and streched so much . I just need to be built up again. Today, i needed you so much , I know this is terrible to admit, but today everyone was praying for God to come i was praying that you would come to me. I was so desperate to talk to you. Im so lucky to have a mum like you, your my confidence and my best friend. I cant think of a better mum to have brought me up i feel so much empathy for some peoples upbringing here when they shared it in their testimonies and how they never had a mother like you. I wish everyone could meet you. i cant wait to see you. I miss giggling over silly girly stuff and watching sex and the city and crying in to your lap about my problems and the way you take me for drives and having coffee in expensive places and talking. i seriously have never appreciated you more than now.
Thank you. p.s. i found this amazing charity shop down our road, they sell really dirt cheap nice vintage clothes for like $5. i brought a dress there for $8 and a vintage real leather belt for $2 .. thats where i will be shopping forever. and your packages havent yet come. but im glad you liked my cards... did you have fun reading the australian slang?! xxxxx love you lots, yours always est.xxxxxxxx
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
difficulties.
This week has been so spiritually difficult. I have questioned why I am here and what I even believe nearly all the time. This morning we had worship and praise, and we was singing this song "God your love never quits... God your chasing after my soul" and "God you set me free". I struggled with singing these statments, because to be honest I don't believe God is pursuing me, or running after me, and I cetainley do not believe God has set me free. Looking around the room, seeing everyone jumping around getting all excited about the fact that God has set them free made me even more angry. God, has done so much for me, he is my provider.. he provides people in my life at just the right time, and he provides oppurtunities like my Kings Kids Mission in the summer, and my DTS in Australia now. But I find it hard to find the loyal and faithful aspect of God, as he has let me down, and has not kept to his promises. I want this to change, because I know these are my faults and not Gods. I know he is perfect , but I cant force myself to feel these things. The last few months I have struggled with an eating disorder. I starve my body and fast from food for days and then I will binge on food until my stomach hurts. This happens every day , every week. And I hate myself for it. My mood completely depends on my eating patterns, if I dont eat, I feel so confident and happy with life. However, on the other hand if I eat, my day is ruined and I have the mentality that if i even eat a bit i might aswell eat everything. I have put on a lot of weight this week, and at the weekend, I wanted so badly to go to the waterfalls or the beach, but i felt "fat" so i pretended to be ill and spent the day alone. This made me even more angry, I wasted an oppurtunity on something so silly. I know i have such a distorted image of myself. I have no self confidence at all, and since what happened lately in my personal life, i actually hate the person I am, my image and my personality. I think I am absolutly worthless. So ... whats the point in singing "God.. you have set me free" When in fact i am stuck in a stupid image mentality. So i was not going to be fake, but this just made things worse, because I just walked out and spent some more alone time. Which never works...
But later, I prayed with my friend Claire, and she prayed that God would break down these walls people have put in my mind. So anyways, straight after that when we got back to the base, some girls asked if i wanted to go the beach, my mind was saying no, but something made me say yes. I thought I'm not going to let myself not appreciate the fullness of this oppurtunity God has given me. I went, and I had the best time ... EVER! :D
How Good is God!?
We sunbathed and swam and then me and Claire went shopping in the city... makes a change . lol :p.
Tonight we had community worship, was good.. ish , kinda heard God's voice. He asked me to lay down all my hearts desires at his feet. But this still is a problem. I have trust issues with God. I will certainly get prayer for this though! oo yeah.
anyways, this weeks lectures, is about 'strength finders' my five strengths are: woo, positivity (which is stupid.. cos im an emo nearly all the time), empathy, strategic (finding the right decision in situtations... erm no) and communication!
so anyways, its also 'building gods temple in your life and breaking down the one you have made yourself' which is actually really relavant to the way i am feeling about myself.
I am so excited about this week, people please pray for my eating.
Thanks, peace out players. A town. doo dooo do doo doood do
i miss u mam!
xxxxxx
love u so muchos!
xxxxxxxxx
est
But later, I prayed with my friend Claire, and she prayed that God would break down these walls people have put in my mind. So anyways, straight after that when we got back to the base, some girls asked if i wanted to go the beach, my mind was saying no, but something made me say yes. I thought I'm not going to let myself not appreciate the fullness of this oppurtunity God has given me. I went, and I had the best time ... EVER! :D
How Good is God!?
We sunbathed and swam and then me and Claire went shopping in the city... makes a change . lol :p.
Tonight we had community worship, was good.. ish , kinda heard God's voice. He asked me to lay down all my hearts desires at his feet. But this still is a problem. I have trust issues with God. I will certainly get prayer for this though! oo yeah.
anyways, this weeks lectures, is about 'strength finders' my five strengths are: woo, positivity (which is stupid.. cos im an emo nearly all the time), empathy, strategic (finding the right decision in situtations... erm no) and communication!
so anyways, its also 'building gods temple in your life and breaking down the one you have made yourself' which is actually really relavant to the way i am feeling about myself.
I am so excited about this week, people please pray for my eating.
Thanks, peace out players. A town. doo dooo do doo doood do
i miss u mam!
xxxxxx
love u so muchos!
xxxxxxxxx
est
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tear streams on your face.
This week lectures started. WOW. All my beliefs, views and ideas of God has totally been turned around. Kevin Norris this week is preaching on The Character and Nature of God. Because so often, as Christians we attempt to teach others about God when in fact we actually have no idea of who God is ourselves. To me, God has always just been this big, powerful creator, whom I can't have a human like relationship with. Well, I learnt tonight that God is much more than that he is a husband, a lover and a romancer.
"And now heres what Im going to do I'm going to start all over again. I'm going to take her back into the wilderness where we had our first date and Ill court her. Ill give her bouqets of roses. Ill turn heartbrak valley into acres of hope. She'll respond as she did as a young girl" Hosea 2:14.
I have finally learned what it actually means to be the bride of Christ and how i can have a human like relationship with God, he has become more real to me. Kevin Norris used analogies of a husband and a wife to communicate the idea of a loving relationship we can have with God. God is so passionate about me, i read in Song of Songs "You've captured my heart dear friend. You looked at me and i fell in love. one look my way and I was hopelessly in love! How beautiful your love dear dear friends far more pleasing than a fine rare wine your fragerance more exotic than spices".
This realisation made me feel so angry at myself, how I have been so angry at God and have rejected him, to God, it must feel like a wife rejecting her husband, turning her back on him. And, God feels abandoment and rejection. I want to read the Bible like a personal love letter. I want to be so passionate about God the way I have been with human relationships I have had.
I also learned that Marriage is not forever, husband and wife part when they die. Its fleeting it only lasts a short lifetime. Whereas Jesus' love for me is unchanging and forever, and whether I am on this earth or not he will always be walking with me. If i want to discover how much I love Jesus, and work towards making him my number one passion , i need to concentrate on how much he loves me.
Kevin Norris used the metaphor of our relationship with Jesus, being like the fairytale Cinderella. Like Cinderella, we are wretched and poor and weak, and God is our prince, desperate to seek and find us and make us his bride. Cinderella funnily reflects Gods story.
I want God so desperatley to be the centre of my life, my only one desire the purpose for my living.
Kevin also said, that when bad things happen in our lives, Christians and even our non christian friends jump at the chance of saying " all things happen for a reason" or "that must of been part of Gods plan"... okay, this is the most hurtful thing you could of said to me when i was experiencing difficulties. Because if that argument stands, then this implies a hateful, psychopathic God. His not the kind of God that makes husbands walk away from their wives, his not the kind of God who allows children to be raped, his not the kind of God who allows murders to happen and he is definately not the God who caused my heartbreak. Yes, he wants to discipline and stretch us, but he will do this in a loving and gentle way.
In the lords prayer we say "Let your will be done on earth as it is done in heaven"
we pray this as christians, why would we pray for Gods will to be done, if it had already been done.
I also believe that we live in a fallen world, there is evil in the world. And when bad things happen, there is not always a supernatural spiritual reason for it happening, sometimes bad things just happen, sometimes people just make bad decisions and sometimes people make mistakes. God is not in control of everything. Well he is in some ways, he is all powerful. But he is a God of free love, he gave us free will so we can choose to love him out of our own choice and therefore its not forced or fake.
Theres so much more to say !
I will write some more soon !
P.s. We had dance auditions today, o mann. I did some dramatic thing. I was so nervous my timing was all out and then I fell over and then I ran out crying and then I ran out ! o MANNN!
over the top aye?! But we have been judged and put into groups, i love my group. We have to choreograph a dance for tomorrows dance lesson, ours is so good! :D.
We had work out this morning at 6 am! ive never been so tired, i fell asleep in my lecture and just pretended to be praying and super spirtual! ha ha .
Missing home !
xxxxxx
"And now heres what Im going to do I'm going to start all over again. I'm going to take her back into the wilderness where we had our first date and Ill court her. Ill give her bouqets of roses. Ill turn heartbrak valley into acres of hope. She'll respond as she did as a young girl" Hosea 2:14.
I have finally learned what it actually means to be the bride of Christ and how i can have a human like relationship with God, he has become more real to me. Kevin Norris used analogies of a husband and a wife to communicate the idea of a loving relationship we can have with God. God is so passionate about me, i read in Song of Songs "You've captured my heart dear friend. You looked at me and i fell in love. one look my way and I was hopelessly in love! How beautiful your love dear dear friends far more pleasing than a fine rare wine your fragerance more exotic than spices".
This realisation made me feel so angry at myself, how I have been so angry at God and have rejected him, to God, it must feel like a wife rejecting her husband, turning her back on him. And, God feels abandoment and rejection. I want to read the Bible like a personal love letter. I want to be so passionate about God the way I have been with human relationships I have had.
I also learned that Marriage is not forever, husband and wife part when they die. Its fleeting it only lasts a short lifetime. Whereas Jesus' love for me is unchanging and forever, and whether I am on this earth or not he will always be walking with me. If i want to discover how much I love Jesus, and work towards making him my number one passion , i need to concentrate on how much he loves me.
Kevin Norris used the metaphor of our relationship with Jesus, being like the fairytale Cinderella. Like Cinderella, we are wretched and poor and weak, and God is our prince, desperate to seek and find us and make us his bride. Cinderella funnily reflects Gods story.
I want God so desperatley to be the centre of my life, my only one desire the purpose for my living.
Kevin also said, that when bad things happen in our lives, Christians and even our non christian friends jump at the chance of saying " all things happen for a reason" or "that must of been part of Gods plan"... okay, this is the most hurtful thing you could of said to me when i was experiencing difficulties. Because if that argument stands, then this implies a hateful, psychopathic God. His not the kind of God that makes husbands walk away from their wives, his not the kind of God who allows children to be raped, his not the kind of God who allows murders to happen and he is definately not the God who caused my heartbreak. Yes, he wants to discipline and stretch us, but he will do this in a loving and gentle way.
In the lords prayer we say "Let your will be done on earth as it is done in heaven"
we pray this as christians, why would we pray for Gods will to be done, if it had already been done.
I also believe that we live in a fallen world, there is evil in the world. And when bad things happen, there is not always a supernatural spiritual reason for it happening, sometimes bad things just happen, sometimes people just make bad decisions and sometimes people make mistakes. God is not in control of everything. Well he is in some ways, he is all powerful. But he is a God of free love, he gave us free will so we can choose to love him out of our own choice and therefore its not forced or fake.
Theres so much more to say !
I will write some more soon !
P.s. We had dance auditions today, o mann. I did some dramatic thing. I was so nervous my timing was all out and then I fell over and then I ran out crying and then I ran out ! o MANNN!
over the top aye?! But we have been judged and put into groups, i love my group. We have to choreograph a dance for tomorrows dance lesson, ours is so good! :D.
We had work out this morning at 6 am! ive never been so tired, i fell asleep in my lecture and just pretended to be praying and super spirtual! ha ha .
Missing home !
xxxxxx
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
im being all emo and down .
You are someone I want to forgive, but forget,
Yet it is the heart of yours i regretfully kept,
Time is precious, it passes by so fast,
Perfect transparent memory of you is the one to last.
Pain of surrendering you,
Is something God is telling me persistantly to do,
Im ignoring, screaming, hopelessly running away,
From what began in the heartache of May.
You will never fathom how much I loved everything you are,
And how important you remain, despite the distance being so far,
You managed to capture every part of me,
And I helplessly pray you could see...
The hope of what we had,
lost
and found.
Yet it is the heart of yours i regretfully kept,
Time is precious, it passes by so fast,
Perfect transparent memory of you is the one to last.
Pain of surrendering you,
Is something God is telling me persistantly to do,
Im ignoring, screaming, hopelessly running away,
From what began in the heartache of May.
You will never fathom how much I loved everything you are,
And how important you remain, despite the distance being so far,
You managed to capture every part of me,
And I helplessly pray you could see...
The hope of what we had,
lost
and found.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Mount Tamborine
Hey all, just arrived "home" in Mitchelton around 6 pm this evening.
This weekend has been overwhelming, stretching and stripping.
The purpose of this weekend was to share our testimonies within our schools. I know exactly what my testimony is, what the most influential moment in my life is and how that moment has made me run to God. But, confronting that moment and sharing it with all these strangers has been so difficult. There is around 40 us on my school, and we all travelled around an hour and a half to Mount Tamborine on Saturday night to share all our messy lives with each other. I was so scared and nervous mostly about my voice not being barely audiable because of the tears I knew I was going to shed.
The photos I took of Mount Tamborine, really does not justify the beauty of it. Its seriously amazing. I have never seen anything like that in my life. At that moment I wish i could of transported all the people I loved to that very place so they could experience what I was seeing. I have seen so many tropcial beautiful birds. Just parrots sitting on the window ledge. Their beauty is indescribable.
Saturday Morning , I woke up feeling like I was going to throw up. The memories of what has happened over the past few months flooded back so strong. People shared their testimonies one after the other, people's stories were breath taking. The way their lives have been so affected, and the hurt and the pain, yet still they are so strong and passionate for God. It made me so angry at God even more. Honestly i do have a lot of issues with the ideas of punishment, suffering and trials.
I tried avoiding sharing mine, until after lunch. When I decided, that I wanted to put my full attention in to other peoples testimonies rather than worrying about my own while they were saying theirs. So, in the afternoon I worked up the courage to say what has happened. Yes, i did cry A LOT. More than I thought I was planning on. I was totally honest with people, which is the first time I have been with sharing my testimony. I didn't sugar coat it, or pretend to be something I was not. I am angry with God at the moment and I have no idea why I am hurting so much, or when the pain will stop. There is so many questions I have unanswered. I feel so ugly, alone and rejected and I look in the mirror now and I cannot see anything beautiful about myself. I wish i could say there was a super spiritul reason why I want to be here, but theres not. People have given me words and pictures why I should be in Australia but I can't. I just know that I can't remain in Kent. I am running away, but I'm confident I am running in to the arms of God. I feel like God has been nagging at me that I should sacrifice and give up what I want for him, but I just can't let go at the moment. I'm still in love with those desires, but I so badly want to be obiedient and give those passions up for God. I'm looking forward to the day that arrives.
I felt a sense of relief and freedom after I said my testimony. I know I have such a long way to get to the place of acceptance and love in life, but I feel as if that was the first step. I feel so rejected and abandoned at the moment, but I know God is there. I may not be able to hear him so strongly at the moment, or picture him any more but I know he is, in that small quiet place.
I had some prayer afterwards, and it was amazing. After this weekend, i see my school friends in such a different perspective. Their lives are amazing. I love them all so much and thats not just on the surface, I really do.
The journey home today was hilerious, we were in a really cool vintageyyy looking mini bus, and we was all singing and dancing and eating so many loaves of bread. I have eaten so much today , seriously, tim tams one after the other. So good. Some of us went to the dance studio tonight and had a dance party. Me and Liz were tribal dancing! pure jokes.
We have to be up at 6 tomorrow, for work out ! :(
o mannn.. I suppose its a good job ! :)
I love you mummy I miss you so much , so many times ive been praying for you and realising how much I have not appreciated you as a mum. Hearing peoples testimonies over the weekend and how terrible their upbringings were makes me feel so blessed, that i have great supportive parents. I love you both and I cannot wait to see you soon. I hope God keeps you safe! He is certainly keeps me safe, i know he has been holding me every day!
est xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
This weekend has been overwhelming, stretching and stripping.
The purpose of this weekend was to share our testimonies within our schools. I know exactly what my testimony is, what the most influential moment in my life is and how that moment has made me run to God. But, confronting that moment and sharing it with all these strangers has been so difficult. There is around 40 us on my school, and we all travelled around an hour and a half to Mount Tamborine on Saturday night to share all our messy lives with each other. I was so scared and nervous mostly about my voice not being barely audiable because of the tears I knew I was going to shed.
The photos I took of Mount Tamborine, really does not justify the beauty of it. Its seriously amazing. I have never seen anything like that in my life. At that moment I wish i could of transported all the people I loved to that very place so they could experience what I was seeing. I have seen so many tropcial beautiful birds. Just parrots sitting on the window ledge. Their beauty is indescribable.
Saturday Morning , I woke up feeling like I was going to throw up. The memories of what has happened over the past few months flooded back so strong. People shared their testimonies one after the other, people's stories were breath taking. The way their lives have been so affected, and the hurt and the pain, yet still they are so strong and passionate for God. It made me so angry at God even more. Honestly i do have a lot of issues with the ideas of punishment, suffering and trials.
I tried avoiding sharing mine, until after lunch. When I decided, that I wanted to put my full attention in to other peoples testimonies rather than worrying about my own while they were saying theirs. So, in the afternoon I worked up the courage to say what has happened. Yes, i did cry A LOT. More than I thought I was planning on. I was totally honest with people, which is the first time I have been with sharing my testimony. I didn't sugar coat it, or pretend to be something I was not. I am angry with God at the moment and I have no idea why I am hurting so much, or when the pain will stop. There is so many questions I have unanswered. I feel so ugly, alone and rejected and I look in the mirror now and I cannot see anything beautiful about myself. I wish i could say there was a super spiritul reason why I want to be here, but theres not. People have given me words and pictures why I should be in Australia but I can't. I just know that I can't remain in Kent. I am running away, but I'm confident I am running in to the arms of God. I feel like God has been nagging at me that I should sacrifice and give up what I want for him, but I just can't let go at the moment. I'm still in love with those desires, but I so badly want to be obiedient and give those passions up for God. I'm looking forward to the day that arrives.
I felt a sense of relief and freedom after I said my testimony. I know I have such a long way to get to the place of acceptance and love in life, but I feel as if that was the first step. I feel so rejected and abandoned at the moment, but I know God is there. I may not be able to hear him so strongly at the moment, or picture him any more but I know he is, in that small quiet place.
I had some prayer afterwards, and it was amazing. After this weekend, i see my school friends in such a different perspective. Their lives are amazing. I love them all so much and thats not just on the surface, I really do.
The journey home today was hilerious, we were in a really cool vintageyyy looking mini bus, and we was all singing and dancing and eating so many loaves of bread. I have eaten so much today , seriously, tim tams one after the other. So good. Some of us went to the dance studio tonight and had a dance party. Me and Liz were tribal dancing! pure jokes.
We have to be up at 6 tomorrow, for work out ! :(
o mannn.. I suppose its a good job ! :)
I love you mummy I miss you so much , so many times ive been praying for you and realising how much I have not appreciated you as a mum. Hearing peoples testimonies over the weekend and how terrible their upbringings were makes me feel so blessed, that i have great supportive parents. I love you both and I cannot wait to see you soon. I hope God keeps you safe! He is certainly keeps me safe, i know he has been holding me every day!
est xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Saturday, October 24, 2009
just a quickie
Hey hey hey , I hope your all actually reading these blogs and have managed not to get to bored.
Okay, well I am off to the Mountains (Mount Tamberine) for the weekend, just with the MAD school, so theres just the 40 of us. The beach to bush school are going to the beach , and the Sports shool are staying at the base.. gutted. I think we got the best deal! And we are staying in cabins, thank goodness for no camping. Although I cant avoid it forever.. we are camping on the beach soon!
We had a bonding session with the mad crew this morning, and we played some games.. the 'i never game' found out some interesting facts about people. We found out the dance schedule, we have to be up every morning at 6 am to work out for 2 hours. We have dance lessons 4 times a week and they take us to a dance accademy in town twice a week. Erm... okay I am so un fit! I get tired when I walk up the stairs.
This is unreal. Im going to be permanantly sweaty, going to have double up the dose of deodrant!
We then had service work.. some did kitchen clean up, baby sitting , looking after the elderly and guess what i had to do...manual construction!?
erm... me and this other girl were around 7 other guys building this house. lol!? im so weak.
i used a jack hammer! oohh yeah!
anyways, that was so tiring , i nearly died!
i saw so many lizards and spiders and possum. apparently theres tonnes of snakes everywhere.
last night me clare and glory used the dance studio to see each other dance and get a feel of our styles. wow wow wow they are amazing!
so technical and ballet . it reminded me of the days of me being the fat ballet dancer at the back of the class. But i loved learning off them and I got so excited, we made up this contemporary dance to this amazing song ive never heard of. It nearly made me cry. I got such kicks out of the fact that I managed to this turn i had been practicing all day. i felt like Billy elliot, you know the part where he is in the bathroom trying to do a pirouet and he keeps falling over.
We are sharing testimonies this weekend, im so scared! pray pray pray!
Il write when I get back. :)
Lessons and classes start next week.. lame :/ but exciting !
p.s. I have a tan! :D
and...
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM! :D
i love you. will make a skype date with you on monday night, so your monday morning ?xxxx
xxxxxxxxxx
Okay, well I am off to the Mountains (Mount Tamberine) for the weekend, just with the MAD school, so theres just the 40 of us. The beach to bush school are going to the beach , and the Sports shool are staying at the base.. gutted. I think we got the best deal! And we are staying in cabins, thank goodness for no camping. Although I cant avoid it forever.. we are camping on the beach soon!
We had a bonding session with the mad crew this morning, and we played some games.. the 'i never game' found out some interesting facts about people. We found out the dance schedule, we have to be up every morning at 6 am to work out for 2 hours. We have dance lessons 4 times a week and they take us to a dance accademy in town twice a week. Erm... okay I am so un fit! I get tired when I walk up the stairs.
This is unreal. Im going to be permanantly sweaty, going to have double up the dose of deodrant!
We then had service work.. some did kitchen clean up, baby sitting , looking after the elderly and guess what i had to do...manual construction!?
erm... me and this other girl were around 7 other guys building this house. lol!? im so weak.
i used a jack hammer! oohh yeah!
anyways, that was so tiring , i nearly died!
i saw so many lizards and spiders and possum. apparently theres tonnes of snakes everywhere.
last night me clare and glory used the dance studio to see each other dance and get a feel of our styles. wow wow wow they are amazing!
so technical and ballet . it reminded me of the days of me being the fat ballet dancer at the back of the class. But i loved learning off them and I got so excited, we made up this contemporary dance to this amazing song ive never heard of. It nearly made me cry. I got such kicks out of the fact that I managed to this turn i had been practicing all day. i felt like Billy elliot, you know the part where he is in the bathroom trying to do a pirouet and he keeps falling over.
We are sharing testimonies this weekend, im so scared! pray pray pray!
Il write when I get back. :)
Lessons and classes start next week.. lame :/ but exciting !
p.s. I have a tan! :D
and...
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM! :D
i love you. will make a skype date with you on monday night, so your monday morning ?xxxx
xxxxxxxxxx
Thursday, October 22, 2009
IM A WENDY LOVER!
o wow , the past few days have just been a blur. I have a theory that every Australian person is born beautiful, i have seen one fat person, they are so darn healthy here. I'm defo the minority.
I have made such strong relationships with people already, on the second day, Liz Jantzen, Stephanie Degiovanni and Claire arrived. Liz is from Canada, Claire is from New York and Stephanie is from Georgia. And we all bonded so well. I am so lucky, like we didnt have all that awkward tumble weed conversations, we just talked as if we had known each other for years. I prayed on the way here that i would make room mates that i would click with straight away and wow I did !
We went to the 'mall' ah ha! And i was amazed by the wendys, they sell thee best milkshakes ever, its so bad ive had one every day since ive been here. How healthy :/I brought sheets for 50 dollars, o dude. They have got me saying stuff like 'im stoked' 'im bushed' 'dude', im such an American wanabe. Everyone is so impressed with my essex accent they are making me repeat loads of things and speak slowly. Although i dont think im a true representation of a british accent though.
That night we were talking in bed and we were so excited thinking it was late, and it was like 7.30 hardcore... and then we woke up at 5 am. I felt like an old person.
On wednesday, we had a day off before DTS starts on thursday, and laods of people were arriving.
We decided to head down on the bus to the city o man, im in love with this place. i so dont want to come back to england!
i love australia, it feels like home. as most of you know, the past few months have been a nightmare, but i finally feel like my smiles are genuine here. (o by the way im so giving up on my grammer).
O, i put my photo wall up, im such a creep. All the girls in my room are so impressed though !
So, i wake up to all your lovely faces in the morning , makes me miss you all the more though!
people in brisbane are so stylish, they have the best clothes. there is like topshop styles clothe shops side by side. and everyone looks like they have just jumped out of vogue. i thought i felt inadequate walking down bluewater. Its such a different story here. But, gee everyones so friendly, we walked in to this supermarket ... which is ( you will never believe... ) WOOLWORTHS! yes... it still exists here. yey :) and , this random lady Ann a shopping assistant gave us a random hug, and we were hvaing a coffee in BB's and some random woman over heard our convo and came up to us and said 'do you work for YWAM? cos i listened to you talk and you dont swear or anything' and gave us 50 dollars between us. wow how nice?! in london its not even acceptable to talk to people in the street unless its for the time.
Its so different here in culture.
in brisbane, nearly everyone is christian, there is a church on every street corner so beautiful! and they all look like beach huts!
we went in to a beautiful cathedral in the city, i so pictured myself getting married there.
me liz and claire all brought beautiful dresses from this gorgeous pink shop called princess polly.
that afternoon, the rest of the girls arrived in our room, 9 of the rest. Sonja from Finland, Anna Louise from France, Heather from Florida, Gracie from Ohio, Olivia from Colorado, Mary Louise from Denmark, Liz Acker from North Carolina, and some other girls i cant remember their names who i cant wait to talk to more.
The other DTS girls bedroom next door to us are so cool, Glory from New York arrived, shes beautiful, Amy Swane and Anna Booth are sisters, Cherilyn from Ontario, i cant remember the other girls names, but tehres 12 in there aswell, and then below us we have 12 guys who are doing the beach to bush school and then next door to them we have 12 guys who are doing the MAD school (same one as me) yey :).
Anyways, those girls were pretty beat when they came in so they went to sleep and the rest of us went down stairs and all hanged out on our computers with some of the guys. We stayed up a bit later, and me, josh, liz and jason all went down to Mc donalds at like 1 am, and got some ice cream and then we all walked back to the abse, i had a shower and didnt get to bed till like 2. But its so surprisingly cold in the mornings i was up at 5 cos of the cold. my 50 dollar sheets are not worth it ! serious!
Thursdayyyyy! :d
okay course starts. some went to the beach, but i was way to tired, wish i went but i have 7 months im sure ill get some beach time in. So a few guys and girls went to the mall and we just chiled out. And then we got back and went back to the mall lol cos we was bored! ha ha the regulars! but all this walking?! man im gunna come back 20 pounds lighter! :p
at 3 am we had tea and cakes ( how british) on the terrace with all the staff and pupils, so there was like 170 of us, it was madness. so many new faces. and guess what i tracked down one english person !? it was so exciting. she is from newcastle, repping the North! im so excited to see her, we talked for ages, it reminded me of home! and made me feel so good.. i actually managed to get some chit chat in about x factor and english things like university everyone here calls it college?! how stupiiid. lol :p
and then we got introduced to all the staff and had some welcome talk, okay there is so many hot guys DROOOOL! lol
and then , we played relay races in the park, me liz and olivia did the three legged race, we looked like such idiots it was so funny! we managed to come 2nd though ! ah ha ! :D
and then we had ice pops. :) they were guuud but they gave me a green lime one which was icky. and made my lips a funny colour, so i looked like the diseased english person.
yeah then we had a graduation night, tonight, that is.. one school (digital film making) people graduated. and we all got dresed up and looked all pretty. and then ate dessert and coffee and watched their films was good.
now i have a bit of free time.
lessons start tomorrow.. and we have auditions in dance?! wahtt im rubbish
PRAY FOR ME MANN
o yeah we are going to the mountains on retreat this weekend, just teh MAD people to the mountains, to share our testimonies and get all personal. im dreading it.. all day ive been reminded of the bad stuff that happened lately and ive tried to cram it to the back of my mind, and now its all going to have to come to the surface.. and im terrified. but as i was starting to get dwon this girl glory was talking to me, and God placed her right in to my life right then , because we shared so much withe ach other, and she encouraged me loads.
im really excited, and i want to be so obiedient for God and do whatever he wants me to do!
im happy and nervous!
o mannnnn! im stoked!
I have made such strong relationships with people already, on the second day, Liz Jantzen, Stephanie Degiovanni and Claire arrived. Liz is from Canada, Claire is from New York and Stephanie is from Georgia. And we all bonded so well. I am so lucky, like we didnt have all that awkward tumble weed conversations, we just talked as if we had known each other for years. I prayed on the way here that i would make room mates that i would click with straight away and wow I did !
We went to the 'mall' ah ha! And i was amazed by the wendys, they sell thee best milkshakes ever, its so bad ive had one every day since ive been here. How healthy :/I brought sheets for 50 dollars, o dude. They have got me saying stuff like 'im stoked' 'im bushed' 'dude', im such an American wanabe. Everyone is so impressed with my essex accent they are making me repeat loads of things and speak slowly. Although i dont think im a true representation of a british accent though.
That night we were talking in bed and we were so excited thinking it was late, and it was like 7.30 hardcore... and then we woke up at 5 am. I felt like an old person.
On wednesday, we had a day off before DTS starts on thursday, and laods of people were arriving.
We decided to head down on the bus to the city o man, im in love with this place. i so dont want to come back to england!
i love australia, it feels like home. as most of you know, the past few months have been a nightmare, but i finally feel like my smiles are genuine here. (o by the way im so giving up on my grammer).
O, i put my photo wall up, im such a creep. All the girls in my room are so impressed though !
So, i wake up to all your lovely faces in the morning , makes me miss you all the more though!
people in brisbane are so stylish, they have the best clothes. there is like topshop styles clothe shops side by side. and everyone looks like they have just jumped out of vogue. i thought i felt inadequate walking down bluewater. Its such a different story here. But, gee everyones so friendly, we walked in to this supermarket ... which is ( you will never believe... ) WOOLWORTHS! yes... it still exists here. yey :) and , this random lady Ann a shopping assistant gave us a random hug, and we were hvaing a coffee in BB's and some random woman over heard our convo and came up to us and said 'do you work for YWAM? cos i listened to you talk and you dont swear or anything' and gave us 50 dollars between us. wow how nice?! in london its not even acceptable to talk to people in the street unless its for the time.
Its so different here in culture.
in brisbane, nearly everyone is christian, there is a church on every street corner so beautiful! and they all look like beach huts!
we went in to a beautiful cathedral in the city, i so pictured myself getting married there.
me liz and claire all brought beautiful dresses from this gorgeous pink shop called princess polly.
that afternoon, the rest of the girls arrived in our room, 9 of the rest. Sonja from Finland, Anna Louise from France, Heather from Florida, Gracie from Ohio, Olivia from Colorado, Mary Louise from Denmark, Liz Acker from North Carolina, and some other girls i cant remember their names who i cant wait to talk to more.
The other DTS girls bedroom next door to us are so cool, Glory from New York arrived, shes beautiful, Amy Swane and Anna Booth are sisters, Cherilyn from Ontario, i cant remember the other girls names, but tehres 12 in there aswell, and then below us we have 12 guys who are doing the beach to bush school and then next door to them we have 12 guys who are doing the MAD school (same one as me) yey :).
Anyways, those girls were pretty beat when they came in so they went to sleep and the rest of us went down stairs and all hanged out on our computers with some of the guys. We stayed up a bit later, and me, josh, liz and jason all went down to Mc donalds at like 1 am, and got some ice cream and then we all walked back to the abse, i had a shower and didnt get to bed till like 2. But its so surprisingly cold in the mornings i was up at 5 cos of the cold. my 50 dollar sheets are not worth it ! serious!
Thursdayyyyy! :d
okay course starts. some went to the beach, but i was way to tired, wish i went but i have 7 months im sure ill get some beach time in. So a few guys and girls went to the mall and we just chiled out. And then we got back and went back to the mall lol cos we was bored! ha ha the regulars! but all this walking?! man im gunna come back 20 pounds lighter! :p
at 3 am we had tea and cakes ( how british) on the terrace with all the staff and pupils, so there was like 170 of us, it was madness. so many new faces. and guess what i tracked down one english person !? it was so exciting. she is from newcastle, repping the North! im so excited to see her, we talked for ages, it reminded me of home! and made me feel so good.. i actually managed to get some chit chat in about x factor and english things like university everyone here calls it college?! how stupiiid. lol :p
and then we got introduced to all the staff and had some welcome talk, okay there is so many hot guys DROOOOL! lol
and then , we played relay races in the park, me liz and olivia did the three legged race, we looked like such idiots it was so funny! we managed to come 2nd though ! ah ha ! :D
and then we had ice pops. :) they were guuud but they gave me a green lime one which was icky. and made my lips a funny colour, so i looked like the diseased english person.
yeah then we had a graduation night, tonight, that is.. one school (digital film making) people graduated. and we all got dresed up and looked all pretty. and then ate dessert and coffee and watched their films was good.
now i have a bit of free time.
lessons start tomorrow.. and we have auditions in dance?! wahtt im rubbish
PRAY FOR ME MANN
o yeah we are going to the mountains on retreat this weekend, just teh MAD people to the mountains, to share our testimonies and get all personal. im dreading it.. all day ive been reminded of the bad stuff that happened lately and ive tried to cram it to the back of my mind, and now its all going to have to come to the surface.. and im terrified. but as i was starting to get dwon this girl glory was talking to me, and God placed her right in to my life right then , because we shared so much withe ach other, and she encouraged me loads.
im really excited, and i want to be so obiedient for God and do whatever he wants me to do!
im happy and nervous!
o mannnnn! im stoked!
Monday, October 19, 2009
first day nerves
Hello everyone :)
I arrived in Brisbane Australia last night around 7 pm, Oz time. The flight in total took around 24 hours. It was crazyyy. Saying goodbye the past few weeks has been so emotionaly draining. Leaving Kent and everything I knew, seemed unreal and as if all along I have been talking about another girl leaving and not me. It only hit me that I was leaving till I was getting on the plane, and I was alone. The past weekend, has been amazing. Its reminded me of how much I'm going to miss home and how lucky i am that i have been blessed with so many loyal friends and the most amazing family.
We left for the airport around 7 am Sunday morning, and I can say I don't think I have cried ever so much in my life and waving goodbye to my mum was the hardest thing EVER.
But I'm pretty reasured the God will protect me and look after me.
I was a bag of nerves on my first flight , and I did'nt manage to stop crying nearly the whole way there, things didnt help when I decided to watch 'my sisters keeper' on the plane. The people sitting next to me were probably worried. The flight to Signapore took 13 hours. I had major pins and needles, so walking to the toilet i looked like a right idiot. I loved the fact that there was free food on demand. I had a million and one coffees and hot chocolates. This didnt help the nerves, by now I had the shakes.
I watched around 3 films, and a few edipsodes of the inbetweeners. WOW. But these planes, were no ryan air. It was massive, and had an upstairs and a downstairs. And a bar! And carpet, and the seats were allocated not like the usual ryan air, where its pretty much 'run and get a good window seat!
Getting off at Signapore was a nightmare, I had no idea which gate I had to be in. So i freaked out, just a bit. But I overheard this lovely safe-looking old couple saying they were going to Brisbane at the same time as my one, and so i stalked them to their gate! Thankfully, it was the right one. Okay, hands down Signapore airport is thee best airport in the world. Its so big and so nice. And all the air hostess' wear pretty chineese dresses and have their hair in buns.
Okay so my next flight was around 10 am , signapore time. The flight was about 10 hours. This one didnt seem like such a lifetime as the last one. I sat next to this girl , and she didnt talk much english so she just nodded and smiled when i was screaming and shouting about being excited when we was landing, i suppose the essex accent didnt help.
Coming in to Australia was so exciting, I nearly wet myself! I no longer felt scared or nervous. But so confirmed in my feelings that I was doing the right thing.
When i arrived in Brisbane australia, I was fascinated with the accent, every security guard and person i talked to sounded like they had just stepped out of home and away. I had no idea who was going to be there to pick me up or what they looked like, so I stood there and did the usual esther thing and cried. And then two girls, Andy and Jess had a massive sign saying 'YWAM'. I got so excited. They drove me to the YWAM base where I will be staying. Its really lovely and big. I was so tired, but i couldnt get to sleep at all, because your time was around 11.00 am then. I'm sharing with about 12 girls, Im the first one to arrive. Ive unpacked, and realised I didnt pack a hairbrush or sheets.. whats wrong with me !!? so i was to embaressed to ask anyone, and ended up shivering to death. I was so confused last night and was wondering why I was here. What was i thinking, I had only been in Australia for an hour and I was begging my mum to come home. Good start.. But things were better in the morning , i was awakened by some birds that sounded like savage monkeys outside my window. I changed about 5 times in the morning, i had no idea what to wear. The dress code is modest, and if anyone knows me, I wear denim skirts that look like belts and dresses that clearly dont fit me, I always have the theory that one day ill lose enough weight to look good in them, but i found a nice outfit and i wore a cardigan. MISTAKE! Its really hot! I found some people downstairs, this guy called steven (i think) hannah and jess and we went to this big meeting for the staff as known of the students have turned up yet. Apparently Im the only english person here. I will have no one to drink tea with and I dont even drink tea!
The meeting was good and scary. Everyone seems like a big family and really close. Im so excited but feeling a bit lonely. I miss home and my mum.
Going to the mall.. lol! the mall.. after lunch! But Im really not hungry its like 2 am your time!
The guys are hot here, surfer dude looking and the girls are stunning!
I have never felt so alone in my life, but at the same time I have never felt so loved.
I will keep you updated maybe in a couple of days time.
But I just wanted to say i am safe and well! lots and lots of love - missing home, est x
I arrived in Brisbane Australia last night around 7 pm, Oz time. The flight in total took around 24 hours. It was crazyyy. Saying goodbye the past few weeks has been so emotionaly draining. Leaving Kent and everything I knew, seemed unreal and as if all along I have been talking about another girl leaving and not me. It only hit me that I was leaving till I was getting on the plane, and I was alone. The past weekend, has been amazing. Its reminded me of how much I'm going to miss home and how lucky i am that i have been blessed with so many loyal friends and the most amazing family.
We left for the airport around 7 am Sunday morning, and I can say I don't think I have cried ever so much in my life and waving goodbye to my mum was the hardest thing EVER.
But I'm pretty reasured the God will protect me and look after me.
I was a bag of nerves on my first flight , and I did'nt manage to stop crying nearly the whole way there, things didnt help when I decided to watch 'my sisters keeper' on the plane. The people sitting next to me were probably worried. The flight to Signapore took 13 hours. I had major pins and needles, so walking to the toilet i looked like a right idiot. I loved the fact that there was free food on demand. I had a million and one coffees and hot chocolates. This didnt help the nerves, by now I had the shakes.
I watched around 3 films, and a few edipsodes of the inbetweeners. WOW. But these planes, were no ryan air. It was massive, and had an upstairs and a downstairs. And a bar! And carpet, and the seats were allocated not like the usual ryan air, where its pretty much 'run and get a good window seat!
Getting off at Signapore was a nightmare, I had no idea which gate I had to be in. So i freaked out, just a bit. But I overheard this lovely safe-looking old couple saying they were going to Brisbane at the same time as my one, and so i stalked them to their gate! Thankfully, it was the right one. Okay, hands down Signapore airport is thee best airport in the world. Its so big and so nice. And all the air hostess' wear pretty chineese dresses and have their hair in buns.
Okay so my next flight was around 10 am , signapore time. The flight was about 10 hours. This one didnt seem like such a lifetime as the last one. I sat next to this girl , and she didnt talk much english so she just nodded and smiled when i was screaming and shouting about being excited when we was landing, i suppose the essex accent didnt help.
Coming in to Australia was so exciting, I nearly wet myself! I no longer felt scared or nervous. But so confirmed in my feelings that I was doing the right thing.
When i arrived in Brisbane australia, I was fascinated with the accent, every security guard and person i talked to sounded like they had just stepped out of home and away. I had no idea who was going to be there to pick me up or what they looked like, so I stood there and did the usual esther thing and cried. And then two girls, Andy and Jess had a massive sign saying 'YWAM'. I got so excited. They drove me to the YWAM base where I will be staying. Its really lovely and big. I was so tired, but i couldnt get to sleep at all, because your time was around 11.00 am then. I'm sharing with about 12 girls, Im the first one to arrive. Ive unpacked, and realised I didnt pack a hairbrush or sheets.. whats wrong with me !!? so i was to embaressed to ask anyone, and ended up shivering to death. I was so confused last night and was wondering why I was here. What was i thinking, I had only been in Australia for an hour and I was begging my mum to come home. Good start.. But things were better in the morning , i was awakened by some birds that sounded like savage monkeys outside my window. I changed about 5 times in the morning, i had no idea what to wear. The dress code is modest, and if anyone knows me, I wear denim skirts that look like belts and dresses that clearly dont fit me, I always have the theory that one day ill lose enough weight to look good in them, but i found a nice outfit and i wore a cardigan. MISTAKE! Its really hot! I found some people downstairs, this guy called steven (i think) hannah and jess and we went to this big meeting for the staff as known of the students have turned up yet. Apparently Im the only english person here. I will have no one to drink tea with and I dont even drink tea!
The meeting was good and scary. Everyone seems like a big family and really close. Im so excited but feeling a bit lonely. I miss home and my mum.
Going to the mall.. lol! the mall.. after lunch! But Im really not hungry its like 2 am your time!
The guys are hot here, surfer dude looking and the girls are stunning!
I have never felt so alone in my life, but at the same time I have never felt so loved.
I will keep you updated maybe in a couple of days time.
But I just wanted to say i am safe and well! lots and lots of love - missing home, est x
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