true worship. 21st november! read this

21st november 2009hello new world :)Tonight was the night that i had a revelation of god and how beautiful and amazing he is and how much he loves me. i know he is real , i knew tonight that God was nota delusion i created in my mind, he was made so real to me tonight. I sat there tonight in worship, at the end of ken helser's week 'the father heart of god', i was not expecting anything,knowing that god was not going to speak to me. I knew i was going to stand at the back of the room in the dark and watch everyone dancing and worshiping god. I have not wrote a blog in ages, or even commented on the ken helser week, but it was seriously amazing. I have never felt so much love from anyone. Ken is a truerepresentation of jesus, he really does live his life by jesus and acts out his love. His lectures were not based on head knowledge or learning but even more, he wantedto spend time with us individually he wanted to lavish love on us. When he looks at you, its as if he is looking in to you heart. In my life i have met some great christians, my dad is a great preacher, my mum has such a godly passionate heart, and my leaders here at ywam are amazing, but ken truly lives out a jesus lead life. He had a picture of all of us, and he prophesied and prayed over these pictures weeks before he came to be our lecturer for the week. He has no idea what has happened in my life, he made me come up to the front of the class, he hugged me gave me a song that his song jonathon david helser had wrote, 'fly', he believed this song was for me. This song , is the lyrics of my life. "i close my eyes, everything disappears, but your smile. i raise my hands , on a cliff i stand,arms open wide, your the father im the child, you whisper to me, step off the edge leave it all behind, leave it all behind, cut loose , cut loose the ties, let go, let go, for way to long, ive settled for these lies, when so much more was waiting on the other side, i think its time to cross this river so wide, leave these shores, step off the edge, leave it all behind, leave it all behind, cut loose, cut loose the ties, let go, let go, and fly,fly,you were made to fly"That night, i sank in to such depression, i cried and cried, i did not sleep all night. I wanted to die. I packed my bag, and decided i think it was time to go home. I was a lost case, my problems were way to beyond help. I felt like a burden on people, my friends were praying for me constantly and i feel like i am not trying and if anything i am resenting jesus more.I ran to my leaders house, hannah , at about 2 am in the morning i broke down, i was screaming. I have no idea what was coming out of my mouth, i was saying terribledemonised things. I did not go to lectures the following morning, i slept. Sleep away everything. Hannah came and got me, she begged for me to come down, i walked in to the room, everyone was sitting at their tables, sitting on their chairs. ken was at the frontof the class, prophesying over a girl called cherilyn. he turned to me and he started to cry. he came behind me, and was crying, he said jesus told him he was so sorryso sorry that this happened to me, it was never his intention, and he himself will fight for me to live. ken still has no idea what has happened to me or what happenedlast night. So, the 21st of november, back to that night , I had the same kind of healing deliverance prayer again, and outwardly i said i gave up my past but inwardly i refused. Once again i had failed. I stood there, my friend Glory came up behind me and whispered its a "matter of choice, you can get prayer every day, but at the end of the day it is your choicewhether you want to give god your heart or not". So i decided okay , ill do it, even if my worship is just me swaying side to side, and just speaking the words on the screen. God would be proud of me for even trying. I walked to the front of the room, so i could not see anyone and stood there, i said out loud, so loud, "i am yours, i am not his anymore " even though i did not feel anything or belive in these words. My mouth was speaking these words and my heart started to follow. I started to believe in the words so much that i wanted to be gods and not binded by an idol. I repeated it over and over again. I lifted my hands, and i was dancing. I had not even realised, my feet were dancing bythemselves, i was spinning, turning, waving, shouting. worship with a true heart. I had lost the fear of man. and that is when it came over me, i had just given my life to god and had walked away from my past , forgot the lies, refused to die. and chose to live. I cried so hard and fell to the floor. i heard my friends cheering. And thats when i heard for the first time in my life, EVER, the laughter of the living god. His real laugh , him laughing, so happy , so proud of me. I actually heard him. Despite my reluctance not to worship or partake in hearing gods voice. i did ! I cannot describe it in to words. But i know this is so real it is not fake! I cannot stress the fact that i have probably never had a true spiritual vision, heard gods voice clearly, or anything remotley spiritual and finally it was so clear. I SO desperatley needed a revelation of god , so much more exciting , than what i hadexperienced with my past,, because to me, that was the only exciting thing that had happened in my life so far, falling in love with earthly things.And, God gave it to me. i heard his laughter. i heard god laughing with me. I was so ecstatic, i ended up running out into the street and grabbed an old lady and told her that i had just heard gods voice. I had no idea know what to do with myself. I just kept laughing.