Time feels like a blink of an eye but a lifetime.
Just four more days and I will be a graduate and what seems like a dream now, will become my reality.
I cannot believe its over. Literally. cannot. believe. it.
I am sick of the question "so how was it all???".... There is not one sentence that could sum the past 7 months up in one. I think if i had to create my own personal statement to conclude it all it would be: freedom of choice.
Choosing to come to Australia was the best decision I have ever made. Not only has my life been tipped upside down, and my values, opinions, thoughts, mind and heart transformed and renewed. But I have learned so many practical lessons, from knowing that LOVE is a choice and taking that knowledge in to every future relationship I have, to know how to sweep a kitchen floor. There is so many life teachings that will stick to my heart forever. The journey has been all over the place, but its so evident God's faithfulness towards me.
I remember sharing my testimony during the first weekend at Mount Tamborine, with a circle full of strangers at the time. I think i said something like "I blame God for everything bad that has happened in my life... blah blah", even the most simple things like missing an episode of Holyoaks or the huge things like people leaving. I feel so secure and strong knowing that suffering is neither from God or the enemy, both are blameless, its just a result of our choices (which of course can be influenced by the enemy) But when I look over my life, God has brought so much goodness from such dirt. He is always seeking the highest and best for me.
Today I have been thinking about my life as a whole, and that God has always been in it. He has always been talking to me and pursuing me , I was just ignoring him.
Since I knew the difference between Christian and non Christian's , I have been praying continually throughout my life for Christian friends. I would be frustrated when God never provided this simple need. But he was not going to settle giving me a labelled "Christian" for a friend, but he has exceeded my expectations and took me to AUSTRALIA and gave me friends that know the deepest and darkest parts of my life, who have walked through hell and back with me. Yeah.. okay , these friends do live half way across the world, but I know as cheesy as this makes me cringe writing it ... its a love that will exist always. I have such a strong faith that God will put people in my life who will keep my beliefs accountable and pour wisdom and love in to my life.
Or, I remember when I was younger like any other little girl, I pictured myself living the high life in America, with my best friend. It seems like a flimsy fantasy but its a testimony that God provides my hearts every desire, he provides the money, when there is none ( its true God's bank account never runs dry) and is taking me all the way to Texas in January.
I think I know what is best for myself, but he is my Dad and he really KNOWS what is best for me. It's never in my own timing and sometimes it can feel painful and look a lot different to how I expected things to look.. But I am hanging on to the dreams he has promised me for my future, and I will do so when I am at home, moving away from a Christian community of 300 to just myself in my room, those promises, will probably just sound like words in a few days but I have bound these promises around my heart.
The last couple of days, God has revealed to me something, it really put to test my revelations, and what I have been nonchalantly speaking out everyday in to painful action. Through this experience, I have realised that God will never give me anything that I cannot bear. He knows me through and through , and I believe If I had discovered this information at the beginning of DTS, I do not think I would react the same way as I have done this past week, I still do not think I would of coped well with this even a month ago. God makes everything easy for me in his timing and I know I cannot be OVERCOMED.
I am SCARED about returning home. Probably the majority of people will not care about my journey or process, and most questions I will be asked will be something like "How was the weather?" or "What were the guys like?".
I do have fresh eyes and a better perspective on life, and most people are just the same as I left them. I built up an expectation in my mind that everything was going to be transformed and different when I get back, but I am just building myself up for disappointment.
Nevertheless, I am so excited to see my family and my friends. To put into action what I have learned and share with others... if they want to hear or not.
I think, I am just bipolar as usual.
The last few days , I am so quiet I just hibernate in my room, processing every thought, and other days I am crying if someone says "goodmorning". I still remember the specifics of that morning when I left my mum at the airport, where has the months gone?!!?!?!
BEST 7 MONTHS OF MY LIFE.
There is nothing I regret . There is nothing I would alter or change. Everything is perfect.
I will miss waking up every morning with a room , full of noise and laughter. Every night here is like having a sleepover with your best friends.
I will miss having my friends encourage and support me every day, and intercede in to my life 24/////////7.
I LOVE DTS.
DO ONE.
free advertising here.
I cannot wait for my life to begin. This is not the end, but just a foundation, a spring board, for me to jump head first in to the most exciting adventure ever.
Esther Samme.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
goodbye africa hello australia
So, I have finally arrived back to my beautiful home in Australia.
The transition from Africa to Australia was surprisingly hard for me , I thought I was an adaptable person, clearly not. In Africa, I imagined going back to the base so much that I had created so many expectations in my mind of what things would be like - and of course things were completely different . Two new schools have begun while we was away , so there all staying in our old rooms , sleeping in our beds and eating our food. I'm just slightly territorial and tribal when it comes to my school...oops. Only kidding , the other schools are interesting and we my school is worshiping with them tomorrow night, so it will be cool to minister to them and get to know their hearts.
Firstly: culture shock. Being objectified and looked over and over again with 'have sex with me eyes' for two months really did disturb my mind, to come back in to a western culture and not to be on guard about where I walk or who I smile at, is something I take for granted. It really is a pleasure to smile at a stranger on the road.
I feel completely useless and inattentive being back in Australia with no church to visit daily , or some programme to perform. While in Africa I craved my own freedom to be independent , but now, I am finding it odd to be myself and with so much free time.
The first few days back in OZ, was challenging for me, I was SOOOOO emotionally sporadic, crying all the time and then extremely hyper the next... I think it was just the drastic change from African culture and the bubble of my team with the little connection I had from the outside world.
I miss Africa so much . I miss the Tabernacle of Praise Church , their lifestyle was a personal testimony for me that you do not have to do a DTS or be part of YWAM to be so on fire for God. Their love for God overflows in to their actions, they are so full of life. Its such an inspiring church to be part of , that they are not content with just being comfortable in religion and sitting in church on a Sunday but they want to see God's kingdom come. I will miss the hospitality of Africa , that they will invite you in to their house as if you were their family and feed you till your belly's full. I will miss the children of Leonsdale , who tangled up my hair every time I saw them. I will never forget the love they lavished on me and how I will never understand the impact I had on their lives.
Our debrief in Africa was amazing , we stayed in the artistic little beach town of Muzemburg in a hostel. I am so thankful for my outreach, when remember all the amazing moments I had, and all the miracles that happened, I would not of had it any other way, it was thee most perfect place I could of chosen for outreach. I do not have one single complaint. My leaders were amazing and so much more- the fact that they let us control our own outreach by doing 'BOM' groups was such an opportunity to put our faith in to operation. My favourite part of being in south Africa was the times i watched my friends walk out in who they are in Christ. Each one of them transformed so much , its as if I am meeting them all for them first time. The last night we we decided to worship and we were all going a bit psychotic on the spirit , there was so much faith in the room that we decided to put that to test . So, my leader Nick was explaining to us that once he heard that in a church called bethel in America its pretty famous I think , in one crazy worship session, things started getting random stuff stuck to the walls, like chairs and hammers, we had such an urge of faith come over us, that we craved to see if we could do the same thing so we put a penny up on the wall and we declared as silly as it sounds 'this penny will stick on the wall' and it did , there was no glue NOTHING, we tried it with other money but it did'nt work. SICCCCCCCCCCKKKK. This DOES not mean that we base our faith on miracles, but it also proves that God cannot be put in a box. Its something I am trying to wrap my head around that there is so much happening in the spiritual than I know and that God is bigger than I can ever imagine.
Reuniting with my babies was amazing , I will NEVER forget the moment I saw Claire again it was so breathtaking to see the change in her life shining off her face. Japan and India team were back already , so we were welcomed with lots of excitement and hugs. I LOVE THEM SO FREAKIN MUCH.
I believe my most significant revelation in my life was, knowing that I always have the choice.
CHOICE.
Its amazing - we are freely given it in every moment, every circumstance, every day. I had the choice on outreach to walk out in my flesh , tiredness, complaining, frustration, nostalgia, or I could walk out in my spirit , beautiful, powerful, strong. The world throws painful sometimes unanswerable situations at us , but we always have the power to choose how to respond to it. It has only been on outreach that I have actually acted out on this revelation.
GLAD TO BE HOME.. only 2 weeks and 3 days left of DTS . :(
We went to volunteer in Easter fest last week in Towoomba. With 13 hour shifts a day , no showers, and jet lag ... one word... gruelling.
I'm sleeping nearly all of the time these days... I'm so tired.
I miss my mum and family so much , but I still don't want to go home... ! I don't think i will ever be ready.
Harvey bay next week for debrief!!!
argh x
xxxxx
The transition from Africa to Australia was surprisingly hard for me , I thought I was an adaptable person, clearly not. In Africa, I imagined going back to the base so much that I had created so many expectations in my mind of what things would be like - and of course things were completely different . Two new schools have begun while we was away , so there all staying in our old rooms , sleeping in our beds and eating our food. I'm just slightly territorial and tribal when it comes to my school...oops. Only kidding , the other schools are interesting and we my school is worshiping with them tomorrow night, so it will be cool to minister to them and get to know their hearts.
Firstly: culture shock. Being objectified and looked over and over again with 'have sex with me eyes' for two months really did disturb my mind, to come back in to a western culture and not to be on guard about where I walk or who I smile at, is something I take for granted. It really is a pleasure to smile at a stranger on the road.
I feel completely useless and inattentive being back in Australia with no church to visit daily , or some programme to perform. While in Africa I craved my own freedom to be independent , but now, I am finding it odd to be myself and with so much free time.
The first few days back in OZ, was challenging for me, I was SOOOOO emotionally sporadic, crying all the time and then extremely hyper the next... I think it was just the drastic change from African culture and the bubble of my team with the little connection I had from the outside world.
I miss Africa so much . I miss the Tabernacle of Praise Church , their lifestyle was a personal testimony for me that you do not have to do a DTS or be part of YWAM to be so on fire for God. Their love for God overflows in to their actions, they are so full of life. Its such an inspiring church to be part of , that they are not content with just being comfortable in religion and sitting in church on a Sunday but they want to see God's kingdom come. I will miss the hospitality of Africa , that they will invite you in to their house as if you were their family and feed you till your belly's full. I will miss the children of Leonsdale , who tangled up my hair every time I saw them. I will never forget the love they lavished on me and how I will never understand the impact I had on their lives.
Our debrief in Africa was amazing , we stayed in the artistic little beach town of Muzemburg in a hostel. I am so thankful for my outreach, when remember all the amazing moments I had, and all the miracles that happened, I would not of had it any other way, it was thee most perfect place I could of chosen for outreach. I do not have one single complaint. My leaders were amazing and so much more- the fact that they let us control our own outreach by doing 'BOM' groups was such an opportunity to put our faith in to operation. My favourite part of being in south Africa was the times i watched my friends walk out in who they are in Christ. Each one of them transformed so much , its as if I am meeting them all for them first time. The last night we we decided to worship and we were all going a bit psychotic on the spirit , there was so much faith in the room that we decided to put that to test . So, my leader Nick was explaining to us that once he heard that in a church called bethel in America its pretty famous I think , in one crazy worship session, things started getting random stuff stuck to the walls, like chairs and hammers, we had such an urge of faith come over us, that we craved to see if we could do the same thing so we put a penny up on the wall and we declared as silly as it sounds 'this penny will stick on the wall' and it did , there was no glue NOTHING, we tried it with other money but it did'nt work. SICCCCCCCCCCKKKK. This DOES not mean that we base our faith on miracles, but it also proves that God cannot be put in a box. Its something I am trying to wrap my head around that there is so much happening in the spiritual than I know and that God is bigger than I can ever imagine.
Reuniting with my babies was amazing , I will NEVER forget the moment I saw Claire again it was so breathtaking to see the change in her life shining off her face. Japan and India team were back already , so we were welcomed with lots of excitement and hugs. I LOVE THEM SO FREAKIN MUCH.
I believe my most significant revelation in my life was, knowing that I always have the choice.
CHOICE.
Its amazing - we are freely given it in every moment, every circumstance, every day. I had the choice on outreach to walk out in my flesh , tiredness, complaining, frustration, nostalgia, or I could walk out in my spirit , beautiful, powerful, strong. The world throws painful sometimes unanswerable situations at us , but we always have the power to choose how to respond to it. It has only been on outreach that I have actually acted out on this revelation.
GLAD TO BE HOME.. only 2 weeks and 3 days left of DTS . :(
We went to volunteer in Easter fest last week in Towoomba. With 13 hour shifts a day , no showers, and jet lag ... one word... gruelling.
I'm sleeping nearly all of the time these days... I'm so tired.
I miss my mum and family so much , but I still don't want to go home... ! I don't think i will ever be ready.
Harvey bay next week for debrief!!!
argh x
xxxxx
Saturday, March 13, 2010
blahdhdhdhh YES YES
sorry about the writing . only had 15 minutes in cafe .
Last week, we, unanimously agreed that there was so much more we could receive from our outreach . The schedule the church has created for us is no doubt thoughtfully created and includes so many amazing opportunities. But we felt that we did not really have a hand in controlling what we wanted to do whilst in south Africa. Plus, with the realization that God cannot be put into a schedule , time slot or day, we decided to create faith groups, or BOM groups ( be others minded). Our teams were handpicked and decided upon our individual gifting s , and how we can compliment and strengthen each others gifts. Our leaders give each group 400 rand each week to spend on any ministry that they are passionate about. The BOM groups have allowed any expectations or desires anyone had of south africa to become a reality .
So far , in our groups we have done prostitute ministry , fed and clothed the homeless, visited hospitals and orphanages and blessed the church elders.
I am having an amazing time here so far , i cant believe outreach is coming to an end already! This week our team has split in to two again, Nataly is not in my team , she is off with one team to jeffreys bay this week. I am here with the other half of the group staying in Parow, and doing ministry here. This week has been thee best week of outreach personally so far. Our bus broke down the other day , which at the time was really difficult because most of our outreach is out of the town of Parow, so we was not able to reach some of the ministries we wanted to . But actually , its been such a blessing because we have been able to lean on God so much these past two weeks and listen to his spirit to tell us what to do on each day , and his victories always pull through. I have experienced new revelations and miracles of his love every single day.
The team left on sunday and it was so so emotional ... (an insight of what graduation will look like). I was a complete mess to leave nat just for 6 days... but within hours God had already plans for my group to start acting out in faith. Our plans for that night was just to mope around and eat food and make crafts .. we are in to that kind of stuff now. But then Andrae a guy from the church , begged us to come to this random church to do a service, they heared about us and wanted us to come so much they sent vehicles to pick us up. This night was amazing , we came with no programme or plan, but just the voice of God. Landon shared his testimony .. and o man ! I am so proud of him, he has stepped up and out this week in his giftings. God has brought the man out of the boy, and he has taken our whole group on to a whole new level of maturity.
He released such a joy in to the atmosphere, that my heart began racing i had to scream and shout! I ran to the front of the chruch grabbed the mic, i cant even remember what i said, i was just rambling on, and jumping up and down. It must have been good, because everyone was clapping and cheering. Thanks God.
I always forget that i have such an abundant disposable power inside of me, that i can release 24/7 , but sometimes i always shelter away into myself and choose my way instead. Its so foolish! I become so alive when i stop walking in the flesh , and start running in what God has called me to do.
The next day , another testimony of God's amazing power was birthed. We was invited to womans house to pray for her an her family . In one room was her dying mother who was suffering with cancer, that manifested her whole body. She was barely recognisable, so withered and thin, it was so sad. In the next room was her sister, who was emotionally and physicllay retarded. As soon as i entered the room, i felt God's heart for Porsha the girl, my heart broke and all i could do was cry. Porsha was crippled and morphed in to a pile of bones. There was a generational curse over the family , there was a series of deaths, and even ursula, the woman who cared for the whole family and children had cancer herself. We broke off the curse, and ended it there and then. I have never been so touched by a family , they were so faithful to God.
i have met some amazing people this week.
the other week i met a homeless woman called precious, whom god led me to . She was on the streets and was out of options, i brang her in to the church clothed her and fed her that day she gave her life to God.
Okay so only 2 more weeks left!!!:(
WE ARE ON THE ROAD NEXT WEEK FOR 8 DAYS!!!
happy mothers day.
xx
Last week, we, unanimously agreed that there was so much more we could receive from our outreach . The schedule the church has created for us is no doubt thoughtfully created and includes so many amazing opportunities. But we felt that we did not really have a hand in controlling what we wanted to do whilst in south Africa. Plus, with the realization that God cannot be put into a schedule , time slot or day, we decided to create faith groups, or BOM groups ( be others minded). Our teams were handpicked and decided upon our individual gifting s , and how we can compliment and strengthen each others gifts. Our leaders give each group 400 rand each week to spend on any ministry that they are passionate about. The BOM groups have allowed any expectations or desires anyone had of south africa to become a reality .
So far , in our groups we have done prostitute ministry , fed and clothed the homeless, visited hospitals and orphanages and blessed the church elders.
I am having an amazing time here so far , i cant believe outreach is coming to an end already! This week our team has split in to two again, Nataly is not in my team , she is off with one team to jeffreys bay this week. I am here with the other half of the group staying in Parow, and doing ministry here. This week has been thee best week of outreach personally so far. Our bus broke down the other day , which at the time was really difficult because most of our outreach is out of the town of Parow, so we was not able to reach some of the ministries we wanted to . But actually , its been such a blessing because we have been able to lean on God so much these past two weeks and listen to his spirit to tell us what to do on each day , and his victories always pull through. I have experienced new revelations and miracles of his love every single day.
The team left on sunday and it was so so emotional ... (an insight of what graduation will look like). I was a complete mess to leave nat just for 6 days... but within hours God had already plans for my group to start acting out in faith. Our plans for that night was just to mope around and eat food and make crafts .. we are in to that kind of stuff now. But then Andrae a guy from the church , begged us to come to this random church to do a service, they heared about us and wanted us to come so much they sent vehicles to pick us up. This night was amazing , we came with no programme or plan, but just the voice of God. Landon shared his testimony .. and o man ! I am so proud of him, he has stepped up and out this week in his giftings. God has brought the man out of the boy, and he has taken our whole group on to a whole new level of maturity.
He released such a joy in to the atmosphere, that my heart began racing i had to scream and shout! I ran to the front of the chruch grabbed the mic, i cant even remember what i said, i was just rambling on, and jumping up and down. It must have been good, because everyone was clapping and cheering. Thanks God.
I always forget that i have such an abundant disposable power inside of me, that i can release 24/7 , but sometimes i always shelter away into myself and choose my way instead. Its so foolish! I become so alive when i stop walking in the flesh , and start running in what God has called me to do.
The next day , another testimony of God's amazing power was birthed. We was invited to womans house to pray for her an her family . In one room was her dying mother who was suffering with cancer, that manifested her whole body. She was barely recognisable, so withered and thin, it was so sad. In the next room was her sister, who was emotionally and physicllay retarded. As soon as i entered the room, i felt God's heart for Porsha the girl, my heart broke and all i could do was cry. Porsha was crippled and morphed in to a pile of bones. There was a generational curse over the family , there was a series of deaths, and even ursula, the woman who cared for the whole family and children had cancer herself. We broke off the curse, and ended it there and then. I have never been so touched by a family , they were so faithful to God.
i have met some amazing people this week.
the other week i met a homeless woman called precious, whom god led me to . She was on the streets and was out of options, i brang her in to the church clothed her and fed her that day she gave her life to God.
Okay so only 2 more weeks left!!!:(
WE ARE ON THE ROAD NEXT WEEK FOR 8 DAYS!!!
happy mothers day.
xx
Saturday, February 20, 2010
chsdbchbsdhbchjsdb south africa !
Once again, this is a brief, poorly wrote blog ! I am having an amazing AMAZING time. I expected i would of been pretty tired and stressed with the schedule that's forced on us every day , but I am so full of joy and energy all of the time.
This week i have been learning that God cannot be put in to a schedule nor can he be reduced to a Sunday , we carry his presence everywhere we go. He lives inside of me. I am tired of living a comfortable christian life . I'm sick of living this double life. I'm like vapour, like a passing fog- here today, gone tomorrow. I want God to manifest my whole life , to dictate my thoughts , for my actions to be only good, that my mouth will only speak out encouragement. I want my discernment to be heightened, I don't want to pray words like "God i pray your my focus" and then listen to a song or watch a film that has an absence of Him and slanders his name. I want to put LOVE into action and not just words.
I want to live a radical life style for him, I'm done with conforming , the world is constantly changing , and all we do is chase after it. God is never changing , he is consistent.
This does not mean I will become some kind of nun. God does not want us to sacrifice up our personalities, he created humour and laughter.
Within my team i have been praying every morning against pride. During intercession times, i have been hesitant to pray , because sometimes i feel as if our prayers are just a show and we are just competing against one another for who can have the best prayer. But I felt God tell me that being passive , is just as bad as sinning . Having a prayer that will change the atmosphere at the tip of the tongue and not sharing it upsets God just as much . Plus, I'm just talking to God, i can stumble over my words and mess up, I'm just having a conversation with my dad. No prayer is ever wasted. So, I have been stepping out every day , praying in faith that people will be healed with cancer, leading prayer for a girl who was kidnapped.
Yesterday , we went to a woman's house from the Church, she asked for us to pray for her father who was suffering lung cancer and was predicted only a few weeks to live. I could of easily prayed for peace to come over him and just comfort . But , wake up! Cancer is not from God. It is from the enemy. We came into this world healthy and we will leave this world healthy . Illnesses like cancer, are demonic, we need to come up against them. I have built up such a strong faith since i have been in Africa. I have stopped putting God in to a box. I know who my God is , and i know he can cure cancer in a snap of a finger, i know he can surpass all understanding of the world, against any prescription or medication doctors subscribe.
Today, we have been doing train evangelism, singing on the trains and talking to people. I love it so much , if anyone knows me, I have no fear of man. I am the epitome of unshamefulness. As we were coming back from Capetown station, there was a man, who was so withered and thin, lying on the ground in the station. Crowds of people were around him, laughing at him as he tried to get up and fell back down, tonnes of people had cameras and phones out mocking him. I was sick sick sick to the CORE.... I pushed through the crowd, which probably was not that wise of me to separate myself from the group. Capetown is one of the most dangerous places in the world. We are never allowed alone the entire time we are here, even to the grocery shop 5 minutes away from the church ... Every ones packing a gun. I went to my knees, and this other woman came up as well, we lifted him up and carried him out of the station, ushering people out of the way . It was like he was an animal. He was so hard hearted, he was cursing the security guards and shouting at random people viciously. He only listened to me, i prayed for him in his ear, as people were swamping him, my team stayed close to me... so i was safe. He was crying , he said that the hospital chucked him out, at night people walk all over his body , he has TB and AIDS, his wife died... But he still has faith. I was awestruck by this man's hope. I blame God for the smallest things like if i miss a TV show. Of course, again, i cried and cried in front of him. I was not scared of his flaking skin, or his white spotted tongue, or pussy eyes. I looked straight into them and saw Jesus. One of the church leaders came up to me, i begged him if i could take him back to the church and look after him. He talked me out of it , it would be unwise and unloving , we cannot give him the medication he needed. So we called for an ambulance, and our Church leader is going to give me the ward number, so i can visit him.
Miracles are happening daily! God is so good. He protected a girl who was kidnapped by her boyfriend that morning, we prayed all day long , and that night God brought the girl home.
This week, has been the Church's evangelism launch , they have been having open air services in Leonsdale.. i shared my testimony again. I am more comfortable with it . I get so passionate and excited now I think i am about to explode. I talked about how God did not come to die for our sins only for us to wallow in our self pity and self hatred , he came to give us FREEDOM! This week, a verse that has spoken to me specifically is the one in 2 Corinthians, i think, about how we are like fragile clay pots, but we have this amazing treasure inside of us!
Overall, I am having the bestest time, I never want it to ever end. I am learning more and more each day especially not to care about other people's opinons as much as i used to stress and worry about judgements over me, but to only truly cherish God's thoughts about me, which are only proud and GOOD ones. To love others, but to love myself and not be trampled over.
I belly laugh every day ! My team are the best ! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE froms south africa. x
This week i have been learning that God cannot be put in to a schedule nor can he be reduced to a Sunday , we carry his presence everywhere we go. He lives inside of me. I am tired of living a comfortable christian life . I'm sick of living this double life. I'm like vapour, like a passing fog- here today, gone tomorrow. I want God to manifest my whole life , to dictate my thoughts , for my actions to be only good, that my mouth will only speak out encouragement. I want my discernment to be heightened, I don't want to pray words like "God i pray your my focus" and then listen to a song or watch a film that has an absence of Him and slanders his name. I want to put LOVE into action and not just words.
I want to live a radical life style for him, I'm done with conforming , the world is constantly changing , and all we do is chase after it. God is never changing , he is consistent.
This does not mean I will become some kind of nun. God does not want us to sacrifice up our personalities, he created humour and laughter.
Within my team i have been praying every morning against pride. During intercession times, i have been hesitant to pray , because sometimes i feel as if our prayers are just a show and we are just competing against one another for who can have the best prayer. But I felt God tell me that being passive , is just as bad as sinning . Having a prayer that will change the atmosphere at the tip of the tongue and not sharing it upsets God just as much . Plus, I'm just talking to God, i can stumble over my words and mess up, I'm just having a conversation with my dad. No prayer is ever wasted. So, I have been stepping out every day , praying in faith that people will be healed with cancer, leading prayer for a girl who was kidnapped.
Yesterday , we went to a woman's house from the Church, she asked for us to pray for her father who was suffering lung cancer and was predicted only a few weeks to live. I could of easily prayed for peace to come over him and just comfort . But , wake up! Cancer is not from God. It is from the enemy. We came into this world healthy and we will leave this world healthy . Illnesses like cancer, are demonic, we need to come up against them. I have built up such a strong faith since i have been in Africa. I have stopped putting God in to a box. I know who my God is , and i know he can cure cancer in a snap of a finger, i know he can surpass all understanding of the world, against any prescription or medication doctors subscribe.
Today, we have been doing train evangelism, singing on the trains and talking to people. I love it so much , if anyone knows me, I have no fear of man. I am the epitome of unshamefulness. As we were coming back from Capetown station, there was a man, who was so withered and thin, lying on the ground in the station. Crowds of people were around him, laughing at him as he tried to get up and fell back down, tonnes of people had cameras and phones out mocking him. I was sick sick sick to the CORE.... I pushed through the crowd, which probably was not that wise of me to separate myself from the group. Capetown is one of the most dangerous places in the world. We are never allowed alone the entire time we are here, even to the grocery shop 5 minutes away from the church ... Every ones packing a gun. I went to my knees, and this other woman came up as well, we lifted him up and carried him out of the station, ushering people out of the way . It was like he was an animal. He was so hard hearted, he was cursing the security guards and shouting at random people viciously. He only listened to me, i prayed for him in his ear, as people were swamping him, my team stayed close to me... so i was safe. He was crying , he said that the hospital chucked him out, at night people walk all over his body , he has TB and AIDS, his wife died... But he still has faith. I was awestruck by this man's hope. I blame God for the smallest things like if i miss a TV show. Of course, again, i cried and cried in front of him. I was not scared of his flaking skin, or his white spotted tongue, or pussy eyes. I looked straight into them and saw Jesus. One of the church leaders came up to me, i begged him if i could take him back to the church and look after him. He talked me out of it , it would be unwise and unloving , we cannot give him the medication he needed. So we called for an ambulance, and our Church leader is going to give me the ward number, so i can visit him.
Miracles are happening daily! God is so good. He protected a girl who was kidnapped by her boyfriend that morning, we prayed all day long , and that night God brought the girl home.
This week, has been the Church's evangelism launch , they have been having open air services in Leonsdale.. i shared my testimony again. I am more comfortable with it . I get so passionate and excited now I think i am about to explode. I talked about how God did not come to die for our sins only for us to wallow in our self pity and self hatred , he came to give us FREEDOM! This week, a verse that has spoken to me specifically is the one in 2 Corinthians, i think, about how we are like fragile clay pots, but we have this amazing treasure inside of us!
Overall, I am having the bestest time, I never want it to ever end. I am learning more and more each day especially not to care about other people's opinons as much as i used to stress and worry about judgements over me, but to only truly cherish God's thoughts about me, which are only proud and GOOD ones. To love others, but to love myself and not be trampled over.
I belly laugh every day ! My team are the best ! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE froms south africa. x
Monday, February 15, 2010
only a quickie... Valentines day
13th February :
The enemy once again robbed another day of my life. He creeped into my memory and like a thief snatched all joy from my eyes. It was my choice to allow these thoughts in, so really it is only myself to blame for the tears. The night before Valentines, the church held a valentines love feast for the members of the church and our team. The past few months on DTS, has ultimatley been a journey of self discovery, I believe I am at place where i know i am beautiful and all that jazz. But watching all the beautiful girls in my room getting dressed that night made my belly churn and my mind go into a frenzy. I am not good enough, then walking out in to the pink and red painted hall, surrounded by streams of hearts and cheap decorations, I felt sick. I knew i was under attack. The enemy started throwing images at me of the past. I knew that i have God's empathy laid upon my life, so i was feeling all the hurt from all those single hearts in the room that night. Valentines is so commercialised, and makes people feel so alone and brings back a lot of hurt from the past. Like I have said before, 365 days to tell someone I love them, why just today? I went to bed that night and sobbed my heart out.
14th February:
That morning , the boys made us breakfast: coffee, pancakes, muesli, fruit salad, the lot. It was endearing and sweet , they even attempted to sing... erm. Hopefully, next year, i will be reminded of today , rather than of past valentines. I woke up that morning , remembering the dramatic night before, and i was positive that today would be painful and difficult. Screw walking in the opposite spirit, sometimes its easier just to wallow in our self pity. However, that day was such a testimony to God using all of my dirt and hurt and transforming it into something beautiful. In the afternoon we was invited to the juvenile centre to hold a service for them. Beforehand, Nick asked, us to wait on the Lord, to see if he prompted us to share our hearts. i could feel my heart pounding. you know when God wants us to do something particular when he begins knocking on the door of your heart. But i was stubborn, i refused speaking out. The girls at the center were not just usual girls, they needed something that would really speak to their pain. Plus, i did not want a repeat experience of the last time i shared my testimony. But God spoke to me right at that moment he said that he has been preparing me the past few days for this exact hour, because i am experiencing this hurt first hand now, my vulnerability is demanded for the battle. Amy came up to me, and whispered in my ear, that God told her that i should share today. Then Liz came up to me an spoke a verse over me ... you were made for a time like this"... funnily enough the verse is found in the book of Esther. By now, it was obvious, God was yelling at me to share my testimony. I spoke to the girls that afternoon with bags of nerves and apprehension. But it was honest , it was raw. I left my handwritten prepared speech at home, and said it just from my hurt. I broke open my heart in front of them. Nearly most of the girls came up for prayer afterwards, pleading for their heart to be made whole again. I explained to all of them that there is no cure for suffering . There is no magic to make everything in to rainbows and butterflies. But i stand in confidence that God is love and he gives it to me abundantly. My emotions change from singing and dancing to waves of tears and upset... daily, but His love for me never changes, simple i know, but its something we needed to be reminded of because its so easily forgotten. He looks at me in the same way in whatever form i come to him in. I told them , don't expect your wounds to be fixed in an instant, its a journey. I was crying on my bed last night for hours, I don't think there will ever be a specific time when i will ever say i am completely healed. But the difference between the tears i used to cry and the ones i weep now, are that now i am now crying in his arms. He is my hope that i cling to through everything . I am not bothered about finding out the answers to why suffering happens, I'm sure there are a million and one plausible philispophical answers. I only care for the truth , and that is, he is love. Speaking out how far God has taken me confirmed and reminded me of his faithfulness in my life.
It solidified me in his love again. God was right - I was being prepared and tested the past few days for that exact moment . A great burden and weight was lifted.
I believe God was stitching broken hearts up on valentines day.
"therefore i am now going to allure her i will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There is will give back her hope and make a door of freedom".
yeah boiiii
Friday, February 12, 2010
bad spelling .. amazing time.. south africa 1
I only have 10 minutes left in a slow internet cafe.... So , apologies, for the terrible grammer and short summary of what we have been doing here so far.
Well, firstly I'm alive.
We left for South Africa on Monday night, the whole plane ride took around 20 hours. If you ignore the whole pain of travelling in general i actually enjoy sitting like a vegetable waiting for my prepackaged food. It was exactly what i needed. I journalled for the majority of the time, and talked with God. It gave me time to prepare my heart. We was welcomed into south africa, Capetown, at around 9pm. The church we are staying at are so hospitable, all smiling faces.
As we drove from the airport to the church we are staying at for the next two months (which fortunately does have a shower and beds.... score), we went past a slum. Rows and rows of tin houses. Places like south africa in my perfect bubble world only exist in postcards and adverts for AIDS, not in the lives of children and real people. Not one word was said.
The following day we went to the streets of Peril. It was picturesque, there were hoards of children playing on the streets, in the dirt, and just blocks of graffited flats.
We had "home church", we were parted in to groups, and we had to have a mini church service in their flat. I went in to this house, despite my reluctance they made me share my testimony. It was terribly shared, I didnt read it from the heart but rather from a handwritten piece of paper. The whole experience was awful. I was so nervous. I felt like a typical selfish westernized girl, who was i to preach to this family about my "sufferings", because when i looked up from my piece of paper, i looked upon real hardships. A single mother, with two children, no food, no money.
Poverty in its glory.
The woman explained she had a demon in the house, we caste the demon out. I witnessed with my very own eyes. It was amazing to see God's work firsthand.
Wednesday, we went to a juevinelle center for girls. The man in charge explained that the girls had a tendency to be hard hearted and closed off when sharing their feelings. Quite the oppisite. Amy preached on God's heart for his children. She shined. God anointed her words. the whole room was awestruck with her. She asked the girls up for prayer. I ended up praying for this particular girl, she was 18. Her child was taken away from her, and for shoplifting some food to provide for her child, she was thrown into the juvy center. I had nothing to say, so, i just held her, like God would hold her. She sobbed and sobbed in my arms. i prayed over her and declared God's love for her in her life. She asked for my necklace, i gave it to her without hesitation, it was like a treasure to her.
OKay... only a few minutes left wow this is the worst i have ever wrote.. sorry...
so, then yesterday we went to a AIDS and TB hospital. I was no where near emotionally prepared for what I saw. I went in to a ward, and that's when i met Piet. He was bed bound. He was so thin and withered you could make out the framework of his skull. His eyes were shallow and caved in. He could hardly speak. Our host, Tim, prayed over him.... "jesus is your healer... jesus is your hope"... what a good religious show. My heart broke, I didn't want my tears to frighten piet, but they didn't stop coming , I knelled at his bedside. And grabbed both of his hands, and just cried.
I said i have no idea why we suffer, and this is exactly what god does when he looks upon you. His heart just breaks. I reminded him of who god is . There was not much i could say , apart from loving him.
The journey home was heart wrenching , we was about to go back to the church and scoff our faces for lunch.... how? why? ... one word.. injustice. We will go back to that hospital every week, i hope i see piet again.. I hope he see's me. I plan to read to him.
I am having an amazing time here everyday , the schedule this week is pretty relaxed..
I cant wait to the heat gets turned on.. Im craving the hard road, because i want to give my everything. I want to be exhausted, with giving my love out again and again. because i know in confidence, that god will fill me up again.
okay mum love u xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
going to the juvy centre tonight , for the girls valentines party !
urgh valentines day.
Well, firstly I'm alive.
We left for South Africa on Monday night, the whole plane ride took around 20 hours. If you ignore the whole pain of travelling in general i actually enjoy sitting like a vegetable waiting for my prepackaged food. It was exactly what i needed. I journalled for the majority of the time, and talked with God. It gave me time to prepare my heart. We was welcomed into south africa, Capetown, at around 9pm. The church we are staying at are so hospitable, all smiling faces.
As we drove from the airport to the church we are staying at for the next two months (which fortunately does have a shower and beds.... score), we went past a slum. Rows and rows of tin houses. Places like south africa in my perfect bubble world only exist in postcards and adverts for AIDS, not in the lives of children and real people. Not one word was said.
The following day we went to the streets of Peril. It was picturesque, there were hoards of children playing on the streets, in the dirt, and just blocks of graffited flats.
We had "home church", we were parted in to groups, and we had to have a mini church service in their flat. I went in to this house, despite my reluctance they made me share my testimony. It was terribly shared, I didnt read it from the heart but rather from a handwritten piece of paper. The whole experience was awful. I was so nervous. I felt like a typical selfish westernized girl, who was i to preach to this family about my "sufferings", because when i looked up from my piece of paper, i looked upon real hardships. A single mother, with two children, no food, no money.
Poverty in its glory.
The woman explained she had a demon in the house, we caste the demon out. I witnessed with my very own eyes. It was amazing to see God's work firsthand.
Wednesday, we went to a juevinelle center for girls. The man in charge explained that the girls had a tendency to be hard hearted and closed off when sharing their feelings. Quite the oppisite. Amy preached on God's heart for his children. She shined. God anointed her words. the whole room was awestruck with her. She asked the girls up for prayer. I ended up praying for this particular girl, she was 18. Her child was taken away from her, and for shoplifting some food to provide for her child, she was thrown into the juvy center. I had nothing to say, so, i just held her, like God would hold her. She sobbed and sobbed in my arms. i prayed over her and declared God's love for her in her life. She asked for my necklace, i gave it to her without hesitation, it was like a treasure to her.
OKay... only a few minutes left wow this is the worst i have ever wrote.. sorry...
so, then yesterday we went to a AIDS and TB hospital. I was no where near emotionally prepared for what I saw. I went in to a ward, and that's when i met Piet. He was bed bound. He was so thin and withered you could make out the framework of his skull. His eyes were shallow and caved in. He could hardly speak. Our host, Tim, prayed over him.... "jesus is your healer... jesus is your hope"... what a good religious show. My heart broke, I didn't want my tears to frighten piet, but they didn't stop coming , I knelled at his bedside. And grabbed both of his hands, and just cried.
I said i have no idea why we suffer, and this is exactly what god does when he looks upon you. His heart just breaks. I reminded him of who god is . There was not much i could say , apart from loving him.
The journey home was heart wrenching , we was about to go back to the church and scoff our faces for lunch.... how? why? ... one word.. injustice. We will go back to that hospital every week, i hope i see piet again.. I hope he see's me. I plan to read to him.
I am having an amazing time here everyday , the schedule this week is pretty relaxed..
I cant wait to the heat gets turned on.. Im craving the hard road, because i want to give my everything. I want to be exhausted, with giving my love out again and again. because i know in confidence, that god will fill me up again.
okay mum love u xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
going to the juvy centre tonight , for the girls valentines party !
urgh valentines day.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
god is the only thing i can binge on , without feeling fat.
Less than two weeks till South Africa, I feel a a combination between fear, excitement , regret and disorganisation. I based my decision to go South Africa, on probably not the best reasons. If i went with my heart , and had more than a weekend to decide, then i honestly believe I should of been jetting off to India. However, I know, God will never punish me, or refuse to use me in South Africa, of course I am confident in his faithfulness, he will use me wherever I go. I have been given peace about my team and outreach this week, God eased my worry and guilt, however it's my choice not to dwell on "what if" and rather look forward to "what can be".
This week has been focused on spending time with our outreach teams, to begin with, there was a tinge of "forced fun". At the start of the week, i was so worried, I am in a team with only 2 of my best friends, Nataly and Landon, apart from that, the rest are genuinely lovely people, but not necessarily those I would usually want to spend my time with. However, God gave me a real passion and love for those I could not love. I am so excited about South Africa. I have been listening to the 'lion king' soundtrack on repeat to get my heart pumping. A huge worry for our group as a whole, was the issue that our group is completely different and diverse, in comparison to the other teams. The Australia team are all dancers, The Japan team are all musicians and The India team are all artists.... South Africa was just the odd ones.
How can we possibly connect with individuals in South Africa on a "deep" level, if there are a bunch of us hanging around in a huddle, looking like a cult?
God spoke to our group, it is exactly because of our individuality and diversity, we will be able to reach the most diverse groups. It's a strength- this way , our unique personalities will shine. When i am weak, someone else will be there to be strong. We had a picture of-water. Like water, we will be capable to get in to all of the cracks, going deeper and further than a rock could, we can reach places that others cannot- simply because of our diversity.
I always imagined evangelism , to be the way to resolve every issue going... rape- for example, simple, lead the rapists to salvation.. boom, next one! NO. That's not disciplining at all. I will have little or no influence if i step in to a place , share my testimony , expect everyone to conform and then leave. You need to trace the core issue, for example, AIDS.. derives from sexual immorality, which comes from a place of desperate intimacy , which results from a lack of love. BINGO! LOVE LOVE LOVE, and not just to merely reflect "Jesus' love for them"- or whatever that is, but to really grow relationships with them and feed them with the same love and comfort Jesus has given to us. My plan is not to plant churches, and grow the christian faith, and then leave. I want to be like 'the good Samaritan' , i want to look for that dying man on the road, i want to love that small little girl, who nobody else wants to touch or talk to , i want to hold them all in my arms. I want to disciple them . I want my heart to break, like Jesus' does, when he looks upon our suffering. I want my prayers not to be just in vain, i want them to last through the night , i want the picture of the starving, aid's filled, lice infested children to stick with me forever.
So, as a team, we are learning , growing and seeking more and more. Pray for us to be truly unified, and .... also, this is a plead. It's not just about me anymore, its more "we" , the majority of my team , are struggling to pull together ground fee's. So, open up your hearts... and, open up your purses? :)
My brain was friiiiiied last week. We had the genius that is named, Patrick Dodson lecturing us on 'destiny and partnering with Jesus'. This guy was fearless, he was not afraid to challenge us in anyway, his first lecture, was a bunch of accusations.... "your selfish .. your selfish" . I came out of the first lecture bedazzled, who is this man? Everyone was raving about him, what was i missing ? I decided, I must be losing sight of what he is trying to say, I decided I would sit on the front desk in every lecture scribbling down everything he said, I prayed before every lecture, "god give me an open heart... let me like this man".
I realised I have become quite prideful. DTS is not a medical cure, its not the be all end all. I have been acting as if I know everything the world has to bring at me, when actually I have no proof that I have changed at all. I might have changed in the enviroment of YWAM, but thats because I have an amazing support structure, regular worship times and leaders who are contantly pouring in to my life. Being "transformed" will be put to test when I come home, and step away from the Christian bubble of YWAM. My heart always has to be learning more and more, never satisfied, or filled to the brim. Patrick broke down so many walls. He basically told us that society creates retarded people. We go to university , colleges, do these random courses because we believe it is the "right" path to take, we are taught to concentrate on our weaknesses, and improve them .. which simply results, in missing out on improving our strengths and gifts. He emphasised the point of not waiting on God to do all the work in our lives, tell us where to go , what to do , who to marry , which job to take ... etc, we are not babies, we should not be dependent on him. He wants to rise up mature children, we need to realise we are in an interdependent relationship with him, he lives inside of us .. he gave us a brain to make decisions, he put inside passions and desires in heart... go live them out ! It reminds me of that old analogy of the father and the child, letting the child on a bicycle for the first time, fully aware that he will fall off, but wanting him to learn. We are not God's robots, lets simplify the christian faith ... he gave us free will.
My mind has been going round in circles about my future lately , in my quiet times, worship, nearly every part of the day, I have been begging God to tell me a direction. I have a place at Roehampton university to study English Literature. However , I have never felt peace about going to university.
A song was been played one time I was lying on the floor talking to God. I asked him to tell me what to do in regards to the future, the lyrics of the song were "i will live out the dreams you placed in me, shout down the walls of fear". That's exactly it , I will live out the dreams God has placed in me, and not fear what the hell society thinks of my plans...Because, my desire in my life is to glorify God , and do everything in practice and action to honor him, not myself and my earthly needs.
My passion is English and writing , if I could have my own way , I think I would be writing all day long, but I also have so much compassion for young girls, dealing with loss, eating disorders, and bereavement.
I was thinking , how can I bring something to the world that no one else has done before, that will actually have an impact in people's lives and not just be benefical to me, or even have a financial gain.
So, i decided I want to write books, as many as I can, write write write , about real stuff.. real people ..but not with some cheesy christian theme. I dont want my books just to be read for Christians, I want the world to read them so they can see how God can work in people's lives. I am applying to the YWAM base in Texas, to do the school of writing , which is 6 months long , including an internship , which allows your manuscript to be published and bound. It begins in January!
I then want to go to London School of Theology to study for a degree in counseling and theology when I am 21, they only accept applicants at 21, because of emotional requirements.
I am determined for this life plan, I have no fear of man, or the time it will take to complete my training and studying , I dont want to settle for just an average uninfluential life , I know I could go university now and probably have a great time, complete english literature and do everything my own way .. but I want the highest and best for me. This life is so temporary, my goal is to do everything to please God.
Patrick also talked about how society programmes us to think about relationships. If we want to fall in love , we should go out and create it. God does not bring people together. Its probably only happened about twice in the bible, do I honestly think I am going to be third person? Wow, i have been so naive. We need to deal with the baggage in our past before we can move in to the next relationship, the world teaches us a failed relationship, in to another failed relationship, in to another, can magically lead to a marriage working ? ... (date-fail-date-fail-marriage?)
I am learning how not to expect from people, to stop putting them at a high standard on some sort of pedastool and to start accepting people for who they are. In the beginning of every relationship we have , we immediatley hype up the person inside our minds, "they are amazing , we have only known each other for 5 minutes but it feels like years", erm no... I have only known them for 5 minutes. This probably explains why the highest divorce rates are in the first 3 years of marriage , because the person you marry does not live up to the image you have created in your mind.
This week i have been realising how deep and constant God's love is for me, so many times I am so nonchalent about the amazing love he has for me, that he would take a bullet for me, that he would go to the measure of dying for me. Its overwhelming how much God loves us even though he knows everything, every bad thought , every cruel motivated action, all our destructive plans... he is with me always , and he still looks down on me and say's thats my girl. I think he is boasting in heaven when he just glance's at me.
Since we live by the spirit let us keep in step with the spirit let us not become concieted, provoking or envying each other. listen to what the spirit says. Take the risk and we discover the reality of his work!
This week has been focused on spending time with our outreach teams, to begin with, there was a tinge of "forced fun". At the start of the week, i was so worried, I am in a team with only 2 of my best friends, Nataly and Landon, apart from that, the rest are genuinely lovely people, but not necessarily those I would usually want to spend my time with. However, God gave me a real passion and love for those I could not love. I am so excited about South Africa. I have been listening to the 'lion king' soundtrack on repeat to get my heart pumping. A huge worry for our group as a whole, was the issue that our group is completely different and diverse, in comparison to the other teams. The Australia team are all dancers, The Japan team are all musicians and The India team are all artists.... South Africa was just the odd ones.
How can we possibly connect with individuals in South Africa on a "deep" level, if there are a bunch of us hanging around in a huddle, looking like a cult?
God spoke to our group, it is exactly because of our individuality and diversity, we will be able to reach the most diverse groups. It's a strength- this way , our unique personalities will shine. When i am weak, someone else will be there to be strong. We had a picture of-water. Like water, we will be capable to get in to all of the cracks, going deeper and further than a rock could, we can reach places that others cannot- simply because of our diversity.
I always imagined evangelism , to be the way to resolve every issue going... rape- for example, simple, lead the rapists to salvation.. boom, next one! NO. That's not disciplining at all. I will have little or no influence if i step in to a place , share my testimony , expect everyone to conform and then leave. You need to trace the core issue, for example, AIDS.. derives from sexual immorality, which comes from a place of desperate intimacy , which results from a lack of love. BINGO! LOVE LOVE LOVE, and not just to merely reflect "Jesus' love for them"- or whatever that is, but to really grow relationships with them and feed them with the same love and comfort Jesus has given to us. My plan is not to plant churches, and grow the christian faith, and then leave. I want to be like 'the good Samaritan' , i want to look for that dying man on the road, i want to love that small little girl, who nobody else wants to touch or talk to , i want to hold them all in my arms. I want to disciple them . I want my heart to break, like Jesus' does, when he looks upon our suffering. I want my prayers not to be just in vain, i want them to last through the night , i want the picture of the starving, aid's filled, lice infested children to stick with me forever.
So, as a team, we are learning , growing and seeking more and more. Pray for us to be truly unified, and .... also, this is a plead. It's not just about me anymore, its more "we" , the majority of my team , are struggling to pull together ground fee's. So, open up your hearts... and, open up your purses? :)
My brain was friiiiiied last week. We had the genius that is named, Patrick Dodson lecturing us on 'destiny and partnering with Jesus'. This guy was fearless, he was not afraid to challenge us in anyway, his first lecture, was a bunch of accusations.... "your selfish .. your selfish" . I came out of the first lecture bedazzled, who is this man? Everyone was raving about him, what was i missing ? I decided, I must be losing sight of what he is trying to say, I decided I would sit on the front desk in every lecture scribbling down everything he said, I prayed before every lecture, "god give me an open heart... let me like this man".
I realised I have become quite prideful. DTS is not a medical cure, its not the be all end all. I have been acting as if I know everything the world has to bring at me, when actually I have no proof that I have changed at all. I might have changed in the enviroment of YWAM, but thats because I have an amazing support structure, regular worship times and leaders who are contantly pouring in to my life. Being "transformed" will be put to test when I come home, and step away from the Christian bubble of YWAM. My heart always has to be learning more and more, never satisfied, or filled to the brim. Patrick broke down so many walls. He basically told us that society creates retarded people. We go to university , colleges, do these random courses because we believe it is the "right" path to take, we are taught to concentrate on our weaknesses, and improve them .. which simply results, in missing out on improving our strengths and gifts. He emphasised the point of not waiting on God to do all the work in our lives, tell us where to go , what to do , who to marry , which job to take ... etc, we are not babies, we should not be dependent on him. He wants to rise up mature children, we need to realise we are in an interdependent relationship with him, he lives inside of us .. he gave us a brain to make decisions, he put inside passions and desires in heart... go live them out ! It reminds me of that old analogy of the father and the child, letting the child on a bicycle for the first time, fully aware that he will fall off, but wanting him to learn. We are not God's robots, lets simplify the christian faith ... he gave us free will.
My mind has been going round in circles about my future lately , in my quiet times, worship, nearly every part of the day, I have been begging God to tell me a direction. I have a place at Roehampton university to study English Literature. However , I have never felt peace about going to university.
A song was been played one time I was lying on the floor talking to God. I asked him to tell me what to do in regards to the future, the lyrics of the song were "i will live out the dreams you placed in me, shout down the walls of fear". That's exactly it , I will live out the dreams God has placed in me, and not fear what the hell society thinks of my plans...Because, my desire in my life is to glorify God , and do everything in practice and action to honor him, not myself and my earthly needs.
My passion is English and writing , if I could have my own way , I think I would be writing all day long, but I also have so much compassion for young girls, dealing with loss, eating disorders, and bereavement.
I was thinking , how can I bring something to the world that no one else has done before, that will actually have an impact in people's lives and not just be benefical to me, or even have a financial gain.
So, i decided I want to write books, as many as I can, write write write , about real stuff.. real people ..but not with some cheesy christian theme. I dont want my books just to be read for Christians, I want the world to read them so they can see how God can work in people's lives. I am applying to the YWAM base in Texas, to do the school of writing , which is 6 months long , including an internship , which allows your manuscript to be published and bound. It begins in January!
I then want to go to London School of Theology to study for a degree in counseling and theology when I am 21, they only accept applicants at 21, because of emotional requirements.
I am determined for this life plan, I have no fear of man, or the time it will take to complete my training and studying , I dont want to settle for just an average uninfluential life , I know I could go university now and probably have a great time, complete english literature and do everything my own way .. but I want the highest and best for me. This life is so temporary, my goal is to do everything to please God.
Patrick also talked about how society programmes us to think about relationships. If we want to fall in love , we should go out and create it. God does not bring people together. Its probably only happened about twice in the bible, do I honestly think I am going to be third person? Wow, i have been so naive. We need to deal with the baggage in our past before we can move in to the next relationship, the world teaches us a failed relationship, in to another failed relationship, in to another, can magically lead to a marriage working ? ... (date-fail-date-fail-marriage?)
I am learning how not to expect from people, to stop putting them at a high standard on some sort of pedastool and to start accepting people for who they are. In the beginning of every relationship we have , we immediatley hype up the person inside our minds, "they are amazing , we have only known each other for 5 minutes but it feels like years", erm no... I have only known them for 5 minutes. This probably explains why the highest divorce rates are in the first 3 years of marriage , because the person you marry does not live up to the image you have created in your mind.
This week i have been realising how deep and constant God's love is for me, so many times I am so nonchalent about the amazing love he has for me, that he would take a bullet for me, that he would go to the measure of dying for me. Its overwhelming how much God loves us even though he knows everything, every bad thought , every cruel motivated action, all our destructive plans... he is with me always , and he still looks down on me and say's thats my girl. I think he is boasting in heaven when he just glance's at me.
Since we live by the spirit let us keep in step with the spirit let us not become concieted, provoking or envying each other. listen to what the spirit says. Take the risk and we discover the reality of his work!
THIS WAS AN ODD BLOG , RANDOM.. ILL WRITE A NEW ONE SOON...
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