only a quickie... Valentines day

13th February :

The enemy once again robbed another day of my life. He creeped into my memory and like a thief snatched all joy from my eyes. It was my choice to allow these thoughts in, so really it is only myself to blame for the tears. The night before Valentines, the church held a valentines love feast for the members of the church and our team. The past few months on DTS, has ultimatley been a journey of self discovery, I believe I am at place where i know i am beautiful and all that jazz. But watching all the beautiful girls in my room getting dressed that night made my belly churn and my mind go into a frenzy. I am not good enough, then walking out in to the pink and red painted hall, surrounded by streams of hearts and cheap decorations, I felt sick. I knew i was under attack. The enemy started throwing images at me of the past. I knew that i have God's empathy laid upon my life, so i was feeling all the hurt from all those single hearts in the room that night. Valentines is so commercialised, and makes people feel so alone and brings back a lot of hurt from the past. Like I have said before, 365 days to tell someone I love them, why just today? I went to bed that night and sobbed my heart out.

14th February:

That morning , the boys made us breakfast: coffee, pancakes, muesli, fruit salad, the lot. It was endearing and sweet , they even attempted to sing... erm. Hopefully, next year, i will be reminded of today , rather than of past valentines. I woke up that morning , remembering the dramatic night before, and i was positive that today would be painful and difficult. Screw walking in the opposite spirit, sometimes its easier just to wallow in our self pity. However, that day was such a testimony to God using all of my dirt and hurt and transforming it into something beautiful. In the afternoon we was invited to the juvenile centre to hold a service for them. Beforehand, Nick asked, us to wait on the Lord, to see if he prompted us to share our hearts. i could feel my heart pounding. you know when God wants us to do something particular when he begins knocking on the door of your heart. But i was stubborn, i refused speaking out. The girls at the center were not just usual girls, they needed something that would really speak to their pain. Plus, i did not want a repeat experience of the last time i shared my testimony. But God spoke to me right at that moment he said that he has been preparing me the past few days for this exact hour, because i am experiencing this hurt first hand now, my vulnerability is demanded for the battle. Amy came up to me, and whispered in my ear, that God told her that i should share today. Then Liz came up to me an spoke a verse over me ... you were made for a time like this"... funnily enough the verse is found in the book of Esther. By now, it was obvious, God was yelling at me to share my testimony. I spoke to the girls that afternoon with bags of nerves and apprehension. But it was honest , it was raw. I left my handwritten prepared speech at home, and said it just from my hurt. I broke open my heart in front of them. Nearly most of the girls came up for prayer afterwards, pleading for their heart to be made whole again. I explained to all of them that there is no cure for suffering . There is no magic to make everything in to rainbows and butterflies. But i stand in confidence that God is love and he gives it to me abundantly. My emotions change from singing and dancing to waves of tears and upset... daily, but His love for me never changes, simple i know, but its something we needed to be reminded of because its so easily forgotten. He looks at me in the same way in whatever form i come to him in. I told them , don't expect your wounds to be fixed in an instant, its a journey. I was crying on my bed last night for hours, I don't think there will ever be a specific time when i will ever say i am completely healed. But the difference between the tears i used to cry and the ones i weep now, are that now i am now crying in his arms. He is my hope that i cling to through everything . I am not bothered about finding out the answers to why suffering happens, I'm sure there are a million and one plausible philispophical answers. I only care for the truth , and that is, he is love. Speaking out how far God has taken me confirmed and reminded me of his faithfulness in my life.

It solidified me in his love again. God was right - I was being prepared and tested the past few days for that exact moment . A great burden and weight was lifted.

I believe God was stitching broken hearts up on valentines day.

"therefore i am now going to allure her i will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There is will give back her hope and make a door of freedom".

yeah boiiii