i hope your reading this.

I'm very sorry mum I have not been in contact via email or skype, I think Im just going to publicly talk on here to you as well as everyone else who even bothers to read this.
I certainly hope YOU are reading this. I have been going through a really horrible time this week, and i know talking to each other is painful and even thinking about each other is even more heartbreaking. Something you probably love to avoid but I just hope your reading this, because I know you understand me best, and I hope I am in your prayers.
Soooo....
Tonight , my school watched the film 'year one', its the one with Jack Black in it, i think its only a certificate '12' and I'm pretty sure it does not have that much nudety or swearing. But our leader turned it off about half way through because he thought it was 'satanised' (or whatever that means), everyone in my school was disgusted, they thought the film was wrong and felt very strongly against it. They thought that the film was a picture of how our society is and how everyones so blahzay about sex and their disregard for christianity. I instantly thought i had a problem, I dont know if its the culture i live in, or how I've been brought up or the kind of people i mix with. But, I was totally unaffected by the film. I was so angered by the debate we was having afterwards about the film. I felt like I was the only one in the room who did'nt have a problem. Its only a film, why was everyone getting so passionate about it ?! Afterwards me and Nataly went for our ritual nightly walk, and the words that were coming out of my mouth were totally demonised I think. All of my thoughts and actions in the past week have been totally under spiritual attack. I think all worship is fake, i think praying is just a bunch of meaningless words and I think God has his favourites, for example, why do some people have these perfect lives so unaffected and others have messed up lives yet try and live the perfect christian life. I feel so distant from God since I have been here, I have not been able to hear his voice or have an image or even a "sign" from him. Is there something wrong with me?! Im trying so hard... okay maybe not that hard. I have not fasted in days and I havent had quiet time or waited on God. I feel like I'm using food as an idol, im filling my body with junk every day and not with God's spirit.

Today, in a lecture, Dave Niebling got all the girls on one side and all the guys on the other. He got all the boys to say sorry to the girls for how they have disrespected them and then all the girls to say sorry to the guys for being so easy and the way we dress. We were trying to represent all the men and women in the world. It was really emotional. Some guy said basically he was sorry for making girls rank themselves, for having standards and he asked us for his forgiveness. I was crying so much, but I so wanted them to say sorry for breaking my heart, for leaving me, for abandoning me and for not caring. But they didnt. I think it would help me forgive. I think i do forgive and I hold no bitterness. But maybe it will help me and my relationship with God. But they didnt. I dont know what God wants me to do or be.
I'm so angry in intercession, everyone prays that clicks will disapear and we will be like a "family" and we pray so desperatley that there will be no attractions between boys and girls on the base, but as soon as that ended and we left the room, everyone started talking about who they liked , who they thought was hot, people went back to their clicks! Whats the point in praying these prayers if no one even means them!?!?!?!?!?!
I hate that lately that every time I open my bible, i want to close it because Im so angry at God. Why am I so full of this anger?!












Besides this, I am so happy. I have the bestest friends here ever. My best friends Nataly and Liz are amazing, they are such great amazing sisters in Christ. They are so on fire for God, and they dont just speak Godly words but act on his word. I want to be like them so much one day. Yet they arent good toe shoes christians, they dont judge and I can talk about to them about my dark thoughts and anger. I wish everyone at home could meet me them, everyone would love them. I love Claire lots too! We are so emo together, we have a coffee addiction and just got off and complain about our lives, its so much fun!

I'm going to fast this weekend, maybe God will talk to me ?!

I have nearly been here for 3 weeks yet it feels like a lifetime, i cannot belive how close I feel with people, Nataly has stayed in my bed for the past few nights. I have decided I hate sleeping on my own, my mind is buzzing with so many questions and I replay what happened in my head all the time.

I never stop thinking about you, sometimes theres moments where i wish you was with me, and could see how beautiful things were, when I laugh i wish you was there to see how happy I am, how much Ive changed from the mess you left me in and when I cry i so desperately wish you was there so I could cry endlessly and let my thoughts run with yours and the times I need you most is when I lay my head down on my pillow at night and I wish you was with me so we could laugh about the day, laugh at peoples misfortunes, laugh at how silly we are and kiss me goodnight. Those are the times I need you most. But sleeping next to a friend helps, because i talk about my feelings out loud and it helps so much rather than them be swimming around in my head. I think God has blessed with me so many amazing friends. He is my provider.
thats all i know so far about him. At home I thought i was so hot on my relationship with God, but that was all on surface. I'm learning here that it goes deeper than that, and i have a hunger for that kind of relationship. Its only week three, things may change.
I want to change.
The other night in worship God told me to lay down all my desires and wants at his feet, this is a thing everyone knows im struggling with. I mean how do you turn off love and give it in. i put my desire on such a pedastool i dont think im ready to give it to god or fill that hole. i just know i have nothing to go back for i know this is where im supposed to be and i TRUST in god that he has great plans for my life and yours equally. i dont think ill be coming back to hextable, i dont feel right there. Im seeing what god has in store for me, but seeing as i cant hear his voice at all its going to be a battle discovering where in the world im supposed to be.

I hope YOU have read this, i beg of you, just this, keep me in your prayers.


Dear mum,
I miss you so much. I need you so much sometimes, i feel as if i lose perspective over my life and the reason why I'm here. But at the same time, I am so happy i have never laughed so much in life with the people here. Im growing and changing so much . I'm being broken down and streched so much . I just need to be built up again. Today, i needed you so much , I know this is terrible to admit, but today everyone was praying for God to come i was praying that you would come to me. I was so desperate to talk to you. Im so lucky to have a mum like you, your my confidence and my best friend. I cant think of a better mum to have brought me up i feel so much empathy for some peoples upbringing here when they shared it in their testimonies and how they never had a mother like you. I wish everyone could meet you. i cant wait to see you. I miss giggling over silly girly stuff and watching sex and the city and crying in to your lap about my problems and the way you take me for drives and having coffee in expensive places and talking. i seriously have never appreciated you more than now.
Thank you. p.s. i found this amazing charity shop down our road, they sell really dirt cheap nice vintage clothes for like $5. i brought a dress there for $8 and a vintage real leather belt for $2 .. thats where i will be shopping forever. and your packages havent yet come. but im glad you liked my cards... did you have fun reading the australian slang?! xxxxx love you lots, yours always est.xxxxxxxx