how can I think about loving God if I can't even love myself?

This weekend has been a whirlwind of emotions.
I woke up Sunday morning with this sick empty feeling. I felt so disorientated and panicked when I woke up. Since being here, my memory is so clear, all I do is replay situations of the past year and how I could of been that better person or done things differently. I feel like I have been robbed of this oppurtunity, all my time and emotions are dedicated to someonelse, and not God. I am not appreciating being in Australia, the beautiful new friends I have or the experiences I am running away from. I went down to breakfast and then after breakfast i had my lunch all before 10 am, I was so angry at myself, I just wanted to wish the day away and hide under my bed covers. I ran down the road, and made a collect call to my mum, it must have been about midnight english time but my mum answered anyways, becuase she is amazing.
I cried on the phone and broke down for the first time being here, I sat on the street floor in a public road. I didn't care, I'm fed up of trying to make a good impression or an expectation of being happy.
I yelled and complained to mum about God, not hearing his voice and being frustrated that I cannot stop myself loving someone, when its so easy for the other to stop caring all together. I felt unappreciative telling my mum this, like she has wasted her money sending me here, when all i can do is cry. My mum is one of those special one of a kind mum's that will give up anything, that is possible, to make someone else happy, she does this especially with her children, anything materially or time consuming that i need, my mum will stupidly do her best to go and get it for me, whether that be that new pretty dress in topshop or a ticket to australia, however i could sense the desperation in my mum's voice on the phone when she knows she cannot change how people feel or make certain people love me. I sometimes loath God for giving us freewill, I wish he could just make people love each other or just stop them falling out of love with each other. Things would be so much easier.
I am so angry at God for talking to other people so here so strongly, telling them what to do at home involving relationships, telling Nataly to change from music to dance or telling another girl to staff on DTS next year. Why does he not give me any clear picture of what i should do with my future, I believe I need it most! I feel so lost, only a few months ago my life was mapped out, i knew exactly where i was heading, and who i was going to be with. Being here is like taking medicine, I know its going to be horrible and taste disgusting, but its going to make me better and heal me.
I'm so desperate for God.
So, i slept the day away. Everyone else went to the beach, i woke up around 5.30. Nataly slept in the oppisite bed to me. I shut down to everyone that day, which is unlike me. I normally put on this positive facade and pretend I'm happy when in reality I'm rotting inside.
I went for a walk with Nataly that night and we talked for a bit, when I got back I started to block out any thoughts of home or whats happened this year and it worked, I temporarily was happy again, I had a fun night as usual.
Today, I was planning to go to the city and then to the beach , but its raining just my luck! But i woke up and worked out at 7 am! I felt so good about myself i just wanted to binge eat again, so i binged this morning until i wanted to throw up. I was so angry with myself again, i felt like my day had been ruined so i went for a power walk, as I was walking i bumped in to Dave Niebling he is the base leader of brisbane. If Dave talks to you, its like the Queen talking to you. I have seen him a couple of times round the base and in true Esther fashion i always give him an overly enthusiastic hello. Anyways, just as I was about to burst in to tears and lose perspective, he said hello, and mentioned he had been praying for me. I have never talked to him, I was surprised he even knew my name, I have'nt heard God at all since I have been here, but I am pretty sure that was God in that situation. He said that I always look so happy and friendly and his daughter said the other day that i was the sweetest girl ever. I broke down in front of him and told him its all lies and that I am struggling with an eating disorder, i think he regretted talking to me. He asked me if I would like to talk later that day at 11.30.
So the rest of the morning has been spent reading and writing letters. I have been reading this book "is that really you God?" By Loren Cunningham.. i think?! He was the guy who set up YWAM in the beginning its taking a while to get in to, and at the moment i feel as if i have no strength to read at all. At 11.30 Dave saw me, and he took me out for coffee, I sat there and told him everything how i hated God for leaving me, for not keeping to his promises, i told him about what happened this year , how i can't look in the mirror, and how now I dont even want to dance now because i cant face looking in the mirrors.
He listened to me and watched me cry, and explained that I have commited idoltary, and put other things before God... I was thinking I know this, tell me something new ?! But at that moment it hit me, I talk all the time about wanting to be intimate with God, about asking forgiveness. But I never actually act on it. I have never actually waited for God's response, I just shout at him what I want him to do. If we are supposed to have a relationship with God, I should wait for his response. I should talk, he should talk back, it shouldn't be just one way. So today, I am going to go for a walk, because if anyone knows me, you would know, i feel most rested when im walking or running. And I am going to wait for his response. God talks to everyone in different ways, if you look through the bible, he talked to david through a dream, he talked to moses through a bush, he talked to mary through an angel. I have always believed that God can only talk to me through an audiable voice, but i have noticed that he talks to me through people. I am a people person and God has provided people in my life when i needed them most, like Jon Wren, to go for a walk with, Elaine Strafford when I need a comforter, Bernine Stewart when I needed to just cry on my kings kids mission and my Mum for fighting my battles. They all probably feel like they have made no or very litty impact in my life, but they really have.
Dave is going to get Hannah (my one and one) to pray for me about my eating and confessing my sins, and hushing the devil's voice and lies out of my life tomorrow, i cant wait. Before he left me he said "this is a new beginning esther i believe it". I can't hear God much at the moment, but I'm pretty sure that was God speaking to me then.