difficulties.

This week has been so spiritually difficult. I have questioned why I am here and what I even believe nearly all the time. This morning we had worship and praise, and we was singing this song "God your love never quits... God your chasing after my soul" and "God you set me free". I struggled with singing these statments, because to be honest I don't believe God is pursuing me, or running after me, and I cetainley do not believe God has set me free. Looking around the room, seeing everyone jumping around getting all excited about the fact that God has set them free made me even more angry. God, has done so much for me, he is my provider.. he provides people in my life at just the right time, and he provides oppurtunities like my Kings Kids Mission in the summer, and my DTS in Australia now. But I find it hard to find the loyal and faithful aspect of God, as he has let me down, and has not kept to his promises. I want this to change, because I know these are my faults and not Gods. I know he is perfect , but I cant force myself to feel these things. The last few months I have struggled with an eating disorder. I starve my body and fast from food for days and then I will binge on food until my stomach hurts. This happens every day , every week. And I hate myself for it. My mood completely depends on my eating patterns, if I dont eat, I feel so confident and happy with life. However, on the other hand if I eat, my day is ruined and I have the mentality that if i even eat a bit i might aswell eat everything. I have put on a lot of weight this week, and at the weekend, I wanted so badly to go to the waterfalls or the beach, but i felt "fat" so i pretended to be ill and spent the day alone. This made me even more angry, I wasted an oppurtunity on something so silly. I know i have such a distorted image of myself. I have no self confidence at all, and since what happened lately in my personal life, i actually hate the person I am, my image and my personality. I think I am absolutly worthless. So ... whats the point in singing "God.. you have set me free" When in fact i am stuck in a stupid image mentality. So i was not going to be fake, but this just made things worse, because I just walked out and spent some more alone time. Which never works...
But later, I prayed with my friend Claire, and she prayed that God would break down these walls people have put in my mind. So anyways, straight after that when we got back to the base, some girls asked if i wanted to go the beach, my mind was saying no, but something made me say yes. I thought I'm not going to let myself not appreciate the fullness of this oppurtunity God has given me. I went, and I had the best time ... EVER! :D
How Good is God!?
We sunbathed and swam and then me and Claire went shopping in the city... makes a change . lol :p.
Tonight we had community worship, was good.. ish , kinda heard God's voice. He asked me to lay down all my hearts desires at his feet. But this still is a problem. I have trust issues with God. I will certainly get prayer for this though! oo yeah.
anyways, this weeks lectures, is about 'strength finders' my five strengths are: woo, positivity (which is stupid.. cos im an emo nearly all the time), empathy, strategic (finding the right decision in situtations... erm no) and communication!
so anyways, its also 'building gods temple in your life and breaking down the one you have made yourself' which is actually really relavant to the way i am feeling about myself.
I am so excited about this week, people please pray for my eating.
Thanks, peace out players. A town. doo dooo do doo doood do

i miss u mam!
xxxxxx
love u so muchos!
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