hurt

yesterday night i had a dream. i have never had a spirtual dream, but i can only put this one down to god, seeing as its nothing i would dream up of.
i was coming back home, it was a sunday i was about to go church, face my fear. and to be honest, it is my fear. my heart is already in hextable. im not puting my whole heart into australia because im always thinking about "when i get back... " "when he see's me again will i be skinny" "will i pretty enough?". Australia does not matter. It wouldnt even take an apology , it would be so simple and i would go running. I was in my kitchen at home, with my mum telling her how much I have changed after dts and I can't wait for everyone to see how much I have changed. I got to church , and on one side of the church standing there was him and his wife, i know her name i know exactly what she looks like, and on my side was all of my dts friends, we was at the front of the church, barefoot and dancing, WORSHIPING.
and i didnt glance over at the couple to my right , i just started dancing and laughing and I never looked back.
when i woke up i was crying so hard, nataly went to bed with me that night and she wasnt there in the morning and then it dawned on me "i am all alone , i have no one". and its the hardest thing to say out loud. but then i had a wave of contentment. on sunday me and nataly went to the beach we had just made friends with these girls who were backpacking from england, they asked us if we wanted to go out to town next week. i grabbed nataly's hand in the sand, and it was so exciting not knowing whats going to happen next, not having plans mapped out for you and having complete freedom. No, its not as exciting, or "butterfly" giving as the feeling of love, but it was still pretty exciting.
and for the first time in my life, i actually want to be single, which is odd because of always pictured myself in the role of a wife, so i know this urge must be from god. i want to be alone. Not knowing where my money, or my next plane ticket, or where i will end up gives me such freedom. so that morning i went back to bed.

the day was horrible after that dream, i really felt a heavy calling on me to say it out. to give it all up in front of god. but i kept putting it back.
this morning everyone is supposed to be giving their outreach options, but i didnt care, im still torn between 3 , and so i was stressing out. nataly and liz were on the viranda at about 12, i lay down , curled up, and just sobbed. i dont think i have sobbed like that since it happened, it was almost screams. and i dont know what brought it on.
and i finally said it, i finally laid it down at gods feet. No, i do not understand God's plan or "will" in this. But Im going to trust it.
It hurts so much , but now i know that i dont think going back to hextable is right and i dont think this is the call on my life. I dont think im supposed to be looking back but looking forward.
im seeing this experience more of a second chance in life, to experience so much beauty instead of a healing process. i think in some ways it would of been cruel of god to have left me in that relationship, just to play the role of a wife because even if i cannot see it now, i would of been robbed of so many other experiences.
I love playing the friend, i have never experienced friendships like the ones i have here. so intense and so selfless. I think i am a good friend. I also will not let myself believe, however, easy that might be, that i will never get married. god has put so much love for another on my heart, so so much. he would not design me in such a way for that to go to waste. he wants me to lavish it on another. but im learning , that i do not mind waiting for that.
im struggling so much this tuesday morning, none of my clothes fit, im feeling so vulnerable im just eating beacause i need comfort, im crying all the time, and blocking people out.

i miss you mum so much, and im sorry for being so honest in this.