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so im sitting next to claire on the top of our bunkbed and i have not managed to stop laughing for the past 2 hours. you know those type of laughs that hurt your belly , that make you either want to go to the toilet or throw up. i have forgotten the reason why im actually laughing. and i just realised, i am so happy. i take my life for granted so much, life is so short. i have been thinking recently that i am nothing in comparison to the grand scheme of things, i am merely 2 seconds in Gods creation. i am not important at all, just a glimpse of life. but if i put myself into gods kingdom, then i think i give myself meaning.



yesterday , our mad group went to the city to the GOMA art museum, that was a fail. Because Noah our leader had no idea that 75% of the museum was closed off. But, how convenient, there was an art museum oppisite. To be honest, I am not the biggest fan of art, i should really appreciate it and i envy those who can just stare at a piece of art for hours. i stand as long as it takes for me to read the little piece of caption below the painting. the museum was not so bad, there was a lot of abstract, the white canvas' painted black annoy me. where is the creativity in that ?! i could do that, and i can just about draw stick people. afterwards we went to southbank in the city (the man made beach) and it was a beautiful day as always, so 40 of us had a traditional australian bbq. in oz, they have outdoor bbq's free to use everywhere, street corners, in parks, on beaches, everywhere! really nice, like a big fat oven outside, how weird! everything is so clean, and ungraffited, makes a change from romford station. we sunbathed for a while, but unfortunatley we had to go back to dreaded dance.

i am actually dreading it recently , i have little confidence as it is, and to stand in front of those great big mirrors for hours in awkward positions my body just won't let me do , makes me feel even more insecure. Plus everyone here is amazing at dancing , i am constantly ranking myself up against the other girls. There is such a pressure on the dancers as a whole, not just to dance well, but to look above compitition and the way we have been trained to dance, but to work as a team and dance for God's glory, as well as having the expectation of eating the right things, having the "dancers body" and working out at least twice a day. The dancing is so intense, i have been working out around twice a day in the gym plus dance workouts in the day , its hardcore. This is good, yet it leaves me little or no time at all to have quiet time with God or even spend time with him. I didnt necessarily come on dts for dancing , i just liked that it was a dancing dts because i enjoy dancing as a hobby and because i get my kicks from it when i manage to get a few moves right but some girls here, dance is their life, they live to dance. it makes me feel bad when i complain and i hate thinking that i am going to let them down, being the fat girl at the back of the room who cannot pick up the moves even though she has been taught 8 times beforehand.



Hannah and maureen taught us some choreography, soooo, okayyy. firstly i looked at the danced with a closed heart and mind, the style was odd to me, i had never danced in this kind of way before. it was almost a cross between hip hop and contemporary and ballet. so very odd.

the beat of the music is to percusion, and the rhythm is so odd, its really hard to be on time. this makes it even worse for me, considering i have no rhythm whatsoever. when i say that people dont understand "but your a dancer , you must have rhythm?" but really i just dance how i feel and hope that my moves connect smoothly.

i started learning the dance with a negative attitude. i was already frustrated with myself about my eating , so just dancing in the mirror made things worse. i picked up the dance okay in the end, and it finally manage to look okay.

i think as a dance group we often forget the real reason why we are dancing , we rarely pray before dance rehearsals and give that time to god, we just jump into it. i have some wonderful girls in my dance group who have so much patience with me, theres this girl called steph, she is beautful , she is a great mentor, she is always first to say she will help someone who is struggling.



so yesterday was difficult, but today has been much better.




blah blah, i wrote all that is above last night but didnt get to post it because internet failed. so im going to add a bit of whats happened today.

this morning , i woke up ill! so i crawled into bed with nataly, she played with my hair so that made me feel better. she annoyingly doesnt live in our room, which is probably a good thing because like me she is messy and steals everyones clothes, so put us together is chaos.
we discovered our outreach places this morning. the choices are:
1. a cruise on the mercy ship travelling around australia for 8 weeks
2. India! going to calcutta.
3. Canada! niagra falls. beautiful!
4. South Africa!
5. Japan!

I have no idea where to go, we are banned from talking amongst each other about it , so our choice is not influenced by our friends. Currently I am torn between 3, I have over the weekend to decide and we have to tell our leaders on tuesday where we will be going. I am going to pray about it, me and Nataly really want a spiritual dream. So we are going to pray tonight and she will sleep in my bed and hopefully God will speak to us. We are fasting together this weekend, anything, just for a sign. I really want my choice of outreach to be completely God chosen.

Okay, i have a book assignment to do this weekend.
Love est. x