god is the only thing i can binge on , without feeling fat.

Less than two weeks till South Africa, I feel a a combination between fear, excitement , regret and disorganisation. I based my decision to go South Africa, on probably not the best reasons. If i went with my heart , and had more than a weekend to decide, then i honestly believe I should of been jetting off to India. However, I know, God will never punish me, or refuse to use me in South Africa, of course I am confident in his faithfulness, he will use me wherever I go. I have been given peace about my team and outreach this week, God eased my worry and guilt, however it's my choice not to dwell on "what if" and rather look forward to "what can be".



This week has been focused on spending time with our outreach teams, to begin with, there was a tinge of "forced fun". At the start of the week, i was so worried, I am in a team with only 2 of my best friends, Nataly and Landon, apart from that, the rest are genuinely lovely people, but not necessarily those I would usually want to spend my time with. However, God gave me a real passion and love for those I could not love. I am so excited about South Africa. I have been listening to the 'lion king' soundtrack on repeat to get my heart pumping. A huge worry for our group as a whole, was the issue that our group is completely different and diverse, in comparison to the other teams. The Australia team are all dancers, The Japan team are all musicians and The India team are all artists.... South Africa was just the odd ones.
How can we possibly connect with individuals in South Africa on a "deep" level, if there are a bunch of us hanging around in a huddle, looking like a cult?


God spoke to our group, it is exactly because of our individuality and diversity, we will be able to reach the most diverse groups. It's a strength- this way , our unique personalities will shine. When i am weak, someone else will be there to be strong. We had a picture of-water. Like water, we will be capable to get in to all of the cracks, going deeper and further than a rock could, we can reach places that others cannot- simply because of our diversity.



I always imagined evangelism , to be the way to resolve every issue going... rape- for example, simple, lead the rapists to salvation.. boom, next one! NO. That's not disciplining at all. I will have little or no influence if i step in to a place , share my testimony , expect everyone to conform and then leave. You need to trace the core issue, for example, AIDS.. derives from sexual immorality, which comes from a place of desperate intimacy , which results from a lack of love. BINGO! LOVE LOVE LOVE, and not just to merely reflect "Jesus' love for them"- or whatever that is, but to really grow relationships with them and feed them with the same love and comfort Jesus has given to us. My plan is not to plant churches, and grow the christian faith, and then leave. I want to be like 'the good Samaritan' , i want to look for that dying man on the road, i want to love that small little girl, who nobody else wants to touch or talk to , i want to hold them all in my arms. I want to disciple them . I want my heart to break, like Jesus' does, when he looks upon our suffering. I want my prayers not to be just in vain, i want them to last through the night , i want the picture of the starving, aid's filled, lice infested children to stick with me forever.


So, as a team, we are learning , growing and seeking more and more. Pray for us to be truly unified, and .... also, this is a plead. It's not just about me anymore, its more "we" , the majority of my team , are struggling to pull together ground fee's. So, open up your hearts... and, open up your purses? :)


My brain was friiiiiied last week. We had the genius that is named, Patrick Dodson lecturing us on 'destiny and partnering with Jesus'. This guy was fearless, he was not afraid to challenge us in anyway, his first lecture, was a bunch of accusations.... "your selfish .. your selfish" . I came out of the first lecture bedazzled, who is this man? Everyone was raving about him, what was i missing ? I decided, I must be losing sight of what he is trying to say, I decided I would sit on the front desk in every lecture scribbling down everything he said, I prayed before every lecture, "god give me an open heart... let me like this man".

I realised I have become quite prideful. DTS is not a medical cure, its not the be all end all. I have been acting as if I know everything the world has to bring at me, when actually I have no proof that I have changed at all. I might have changed in the enviroment of YWAM, but thats because I have an amazing support structure, regular worship times and leaders who are contantly pouring in to my life. Being "transformed" will be put to test when I come home, and step away from the Christian bubble of YWAM. My heart always has to be learning more and more, never satisfied, or filled to the brim. Patrick broke down so many walls. He basically told us that society creates retarded people. We go to university , colleges, do these random courses because we believe it is the "right" path to take, we are taught to concentrate on our weaknesses, and improve them .. which simply results, in missing out on improving our strengths and gifts. He emphasised the point of not waiting on God to do all the work in our lives, tell us where to go , what to do , who to marry , which job to take ... etc, we are not babies, we should not be dependent on him. He wants to rise up mature children, we need to realise we are in an interdependent relationship with him, he lives inside of us .. he gave us a brain to make decisions, he put inside passions and desires in heart... go live them out ! It reminds me of that old analogy of the father and the child, letting the child on a bicycle for the first time, fully aware that he will fall off, but wanting him to learn. We are not God's robots, lets simplify the christian faith ... he gave us free will.
My mind has been going round in circles about my future lately , in my quiet times, worship, nearly every part of the day, I have been begging God to tell me a direction. I have a place at Roehampton university to study English Literature. However , I have never felt peace about going to university.

A song was been played one time I was lying on the floor talking to God. I asked him to tell me what to do in regards to the future, the lyrics of the song were "i will live out the dreams you placed in me, shout down the walls of fear". That's exactly it , I will live out the dreams God has placed in me, and not fear what the hell society thinks of my plans...Because, my desire in my life is to glorify God , and do everything in practice and action to honor him, not myself and my earthly needs.
My passion is English and writing , if I could have my own way , I think I would be writing all day long, but I also have so much compassion for young girls, dealing with loss, eating disorders, and bereavement.
I was thinking , how can I bring something to the world that no one else has done before, that will actually have an impact in people's lives and not just be benefical to me, or even have a financial gain.
So, i decided I want to write books, as many as I can, write write write , about real stuff.. real people ..but not with some cheesy christian theme. I dont want my books just to be read for Christians, I want the world to read them so they can see how God can work in people's lives. I am applying to the YWAM base in Texas, to do the school of writing , which is 6 months long , including an internship , which allows your manuscript to be published and bound. It begins in January!
I then want to go to London School of Theology to study for a degree in counseling and theology when I am 21, they only accept applicants at 21, because of emotional requirements.
I am determined for this life plan, I have no fear of man, or the time it will take to complete my training and studying , I dont want to settle for just an average uninfluential life , I know I could go university now and probably have a great time, complete english literature and do everything my own way .. but I want the highest and best for me. This life is so temporary, my goal is to do everything to please God.


Patrick also talked about how society programmes us to think about relationships. If we want to fall in love , we should go out and create it. God does not bring people together. Its probably only happened about twice in the bible, do I honestly think I am going to be third person? Wow, i have been so naive. We need to deal with the baggage in our past before we can move in to the next relationship, the world teaches us a failed relationship, in to another failed relationship, in to another, can magically lead to a marriage working ? ... (date-fail-date-fail-marriage?)

I am learning how not to expect from people, to stop putting them at a high standard on some sort of pedastool and to start accepting people for who they are. In the beginning of every relationship we have , we immediatley hype up the person inside our minds, "they are amazing , we have only known each other for 5 minutes but it feels like years", erm no... I have only known them for 5 minutes. This probably explains why the highest divorce rates are in the first 3 years of marriage , because the person you marry does not live up to the image you have created in your mind.



This week i have been realising how deep and constant God's love is for me, so many times I am so nonchalent about the amazing love he has for me, that he would take a bullet for me, that he would go to the measure of dying for me. Its overwhelming how much God loves us even though he knows everything, every bad thought , every cruel motivated action, all our destructive plans... he is with me always , and he still looks down on me and say's thats my girl. I think he is boasting in heaven when he just glance's at me.




Since we live by the spirit let us keep in step with the spirit let us not become concieted, provoking or envying each other. listen to what the spirit says. Take the risk and we discover the reality of his work!

THIS WAS AN ODD BLOG , RANDOM.. ILL WRITE A NEW ONE SOON...

CHRIST IN YOU

Prepare your self.... this is amazing !

Our school has been having video teachings from, Steve Thompson who preaches on morning star somewhere in America i presume, his teaching flipped my world upside down, even though they were just videos, they had so much power and life in them!

I need to share his teaching, its simply amazing , I believe and want every christian to know this truth! As Christians we have never taken the wrapper off the bible, we are reading it with wrong eyes, we are reading it in terms of self pity and condemnation. The bible is not there to condemn anyone for not being "good Christians". I always ask myself, how can myself, who is dead to sin, through Christ, continue to sin?

My question has been answered finally... cheers Steve! Its because we forget who we are and our identity in Christ. God did not come to make bad people!
Religion and the church teach us the most ridiculous things... i am not bashing the church , i love it , but i have been believing false truths my whole life! Bad theology minimises Gods power and as Christians we are doing more apologising for the things God doesn't do, rather than boasting in the things Jesus has done. I need to switch my focus from "why does god not heal to people?" to ... he has healed people! Church teaches us if we see God's face we will die, however in scriptures it tells us to seek his face... i was pretty confused, is god telling me to ask for death then ? This is just one of the things, religion teaches us, if we see God's face and die is actually not a biblical concept!!!
In exodus 33, it tells me the lord will speak face to face as a man speaks with his friend, Moses saw god, and he did not die, he lived till he was a hundred and twenty years old actually!
On top of that I have been taught that sin separates us from God which then implies that god doesn't love me, because i am constantly sinning. That is because this is the old covenant way! I don't want to be a christian that focuses on myself, and how to please god through my actions and efforts , I want to look at Jesus. if that hasn't impressed you , get this , the whole time i have been struggling with my eating disorder, i have been asking Christians to keep me accountable... accountability is merely sin management! I need to work out my own sin, because i have the authority to do so , Jesus lives in me! Not to water down the strength and the way we rely on God, but i need to go to god with righteousness in that way i will be clean. Because i will see my self as beautiful and perfect and will not want any sin remaining in me, i need to stop judging the new revivals by the old revivals.
I need to quit self pitying myself... oh I'm fat .. oh nobody loves me... blah blah. I'm not ignorant ... god lives in me! Church ends up teaching us that we are sinners, which makes us self pity ourselves and thus feel Jesus is distant. Good theology, like Steve's is simple and clear and it empowers and builds us up. We need to start reading the bible differently from " OH... what can i do to be better??" to ermmm "oh yes! what can i do next .. now i know he lives in me"
if i read back in genesis it says "make man in my image according to my likeness let them have dominion" God imparted his likeness in us. He asked us to have dominion, i was created to rule, to reign, to be God's authority over the earth! In the beginning , God asked Adam and eve to replenish and subdue the whole earth , this is what mankind is called to do . This is our calling over our lives!! I believe that in the begining the complete glory of god was over Adam and eve , when they walked through places, things changed, trees turned, grounds transformed. They had gods power through and through ... jealous. I wonder constantly... why did God give Satan all power over the world??!!! No we did... when mankind ate from the tree of knowledge, we handed over our power and authority to the devil. The only power god ever gave away , was to mankind, beforehand we had perfect fellowship with god. However Jesus won back our relationship. This is the reason Jesus had to come in the flesh as a man and lay aside his glory and offer up himself to everyone.
Matthew 28.15... OH ... the great commission, yey. Jesus COMMANDS us to go to the whole world and tell the nations about him. When Jesus came, he reclaimed his authority and claimed he has authority over all the heavens and earth, however, he never said he had all power!
1 john 5.19 "the whole world lies under the power of the evil one" ... figure it out!!!
we are the missing link! We have a command over us to change the world! To win back our power, we have been granted permission!
We are battling terrible theology only to fight back what god has already given us. Don't wait on God to change situations, he is waiting on us! But not with strength, power or might but simply to believe and recognise that we can change things, for when we are under fear we create false realities.
The lord said to Moses quit crying out to me! We need to get moving . Stop being fearful and walk forward! The same power that conquered death lives in me, i can change it because he lives in me... How exciting! I am not a child of Christ anymore, i am a mature daughter of Christ. Jesus did not ask us to merely pray for the sick... he asked us to heal the sick! We are not taking the glory of god, or being boastful because we cant do this without him. I need to start using the tools God has given me.
The enemy tempted us to eat from the tree of knowledge and said we will be more like god, well we was already like god! So what was Adam and eve thinking?! We was created in his likeness! I will no longer devour the bible, to be a better person like Jesus, i want to recognise it at as n instruction manual, i need to figure out what god has already put inside , and ussssse it!




We had worship on Friday night , it was a freedom i had never experienced before. I prayed to God beforehand that i wouldn't hinder my feelings and emotions, that i would be able to launch myself straight in to worship, to dance like David as soon as the music starts. The atmosphere was so strong in the room, i was throwing myself around and dancing crazy. However it came upon me , that i needed a Revelation of God so desperately. I was sick of wasting another day of being in bondage to food, although i have had prayer over it and seeked help, i was in the same position as i was on day one and it has ruined me. I have complete head knowledge that i have God's authority and at the end of the day , its a matter of choice whether to give in to my sining or to walk in the oppisite spirit. However, i noticed that my heart was not following. I know of this freedom and i know i am beautiful, but i am not walking out in confidence of this knowledge. Noah said on the mic, if anyone wanted to confess anything that needed prayer and healing for. I felt God knocking on my heart. I was fully aware that i needed healing over my mind that the image in my mind would be washed away, over my ears that the enemy would stop whispering lies, over my heart that i would hear god telling me who i am rather than people just praying and telling me i am beautiful. Noah played a song for me, before this and he asked me to let god minister to me while it was playing , the words were "i need a revelation.... i need a new perspective" .. i wanted god to replace all my desires to be a certain way with a new perspective , a new outlook, because i know that i am worth everything! I want to be beautiful in the spiritual not in the physical.
I had prayer, everyone laid hands on me, while they were praying i could audibly hear an engine running . Andy (Noah's wife) came and held my hands she told me that she is charging me up, that everyone surrounding me is the battery and now i need to turn the key ... when i made that choice in my heart and let god in, she said she heard a motor running .
She had a picture that there was a demon in the driving seat of my life , and when i took that step i pushed him out of the driving seat, and now I'm driving the car. i have full control over every direction i turn!
Today i have had no thought or worry about my weight and there has been no guilt over what i look like, i cant remember the last time i have ever felt like this.
That night Landon's leg grew an inch longer, because he has suffered a wonky hip his whole life because one leg is longer than the other, so we prayed in faith that the other would grow an extra inch . in front of my eyes, it did.

p.s. God did give me that revelation in the form of a book mark...
"You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace." song of songs 4.9

what a week...

(having fun with font on this one... ooh i live a crazy lifestyle)
This week completely rocked my badly learned theology, and transformed it into a brand new perspective. I am no longer reading the bible with my eyes closed, I am reading it wide eyed and soaking in everything he tells me.
Coming back from Airlie beach , our lectures this week were supposed to be based on 'Spiritual warfare', it seemed necessary as our school had been experiencing an extreme amount of attacks from the enemy.
However, Noah felt like God wanted him to teach on something else, so we scrapped our timetable, and allowed God to lead the whole week.
On Tuesday, we had lectures on 'Worship'. And get this ...Worship and Praise are completely different !!! Biblicaly everything we do in "worship times" such as actions, dancing , singing, instruments, clapping , the whole lot , is actually praise... NOT worship. I can stand there and dance with such passion, and fall to the floor in tears, but still not reach the point of worship. Worship is the heart attitude. The only way we can worship is through our spirit, it happens inwardly , which causes us to perform these actions outwardly. Noah told us the 7 Praises that are mentioned in the bible- and to my horror, yes, flag waving is one of them. Oh dear. Its named Dagal (Hebrew) - to raise a flag or banner. Although , I'm pretty sure that the church , has changed it in to an annoying children activity , the only purpose, to flap the flags in my face and attack me with the poles.. thanks. :/ ..... :)
I realised that God wants me in my rawest state. Not the Esther that tries to impress people in worship , or the Esther that fakes it... believe me , you cannot fake it with God. He wants the honest me, even if it is ugly and blunt, because, he deserves it.
This prompted the question, what comes first , the chicken or the egg.. the praise or the worship? Sometimes, i can't feel worship, sometimes my heart does not get to that stage, so i have to press in, and i put my hands up and i sing louder, till my heart follows... do i do that first?.. or do i wait on God to give me the heart and then praise?.... The answer is do both. simple.
After being inspired and pumped up for learning more, Noah told the class he wanted to talk to certain individuals about their journey and attitude. (p.s. I have no intention of writing out this story publicly for no particular reason, so bear with me, it has a meaning) This did not faze me, in my eyes, I am a top student! WRONG... After lunch i was immediately asked to meet with Hannah (my one on one) and Noah , in what seemed like a tiny interrogation room, to discuss my bad attitude and behaviour... great. He explained to me that some leaders had been examining my attitude in Airlie beach, the previous week, and realised i was having a difficult time. WHAT?! In my mind, i was screaming. I loved last week, evangelising... pfft i have it down to perfection. I adore talking to new people, sharing the gospel, LOVE..and my relationships with my school was on a roll... ha ha (i am only boasting in Christ) .... could he even see me?! Well, if i have to admit, some of my personal feelings about my appearance did effect my attitude in times of privacy. But that's about all i could dig out in myself. He then went on to say that he believes i should reconsider going to South Africa, if my attitude continues, because it effects the entire group. I sat there in tears, i could hear the enemies whispers in my ear , condemning me , telling me that 'maybe DTS was not the right choice... maybe i have not changed at all... maybe i should go home'. However, It instantly came in to my mind and reminded me, that we are on spiritual warfare week, even if we was not having teaching on it , i was clearly experiencing it first hand. Noah has never talked to me personally during my entire dts, i explained to him that he has missed out on seeing God's "success story" in me, I know in confidence that he has changed me and as my leader... Noah unfortunately missed my heart. He was shocked, he apologised , and later told me that he had never perceived that view of me, it was only second hand accounts from one staff member, it was a rehearsed line that he would of told anyone that was sitting in my seat, he prayed for me and demanded any lies spoken over me to be broken. I walked away feeling completely battered, it was like a stab through my heart, why would God send me half way across the world only to be condemned?
Straight after i went to God, i begged for him to tell me my identity in him and convict me if i have been a bad student. I journalled it all down, and read back what he said, which was... i am worth it and i am transformed and baptised in his spirit. HOWEVER....my focus has shifted inwardly, Nataly, Claire, Landon and Stephanie, are my best friends here and neither me nor them are bad people, yet, i feel that God told me that our focus had turned poisonous and bad because we was looking at each other for support, love and acceptance. Which is great, don't get me wrong....i just was not getting anything from God, it was all from friends. He told me to sacrifice them for a season, not stop being friends with them at all, but branch off, invest my time to be with him, choose to spend time with him, over spending a night with friends. It was awful, these guys are the best people i have met in my life, they are amazing. But then I realised, its just because of that reason i need to surrender them , once again i had been idolising human kind.
I was afraid that i was going to be lonely, that people would think i some kind of "teachers pet" when i sit at the front of the class, or that my devotional times would just end up being empty and... boring.... NO NO NO. In fact, i had the best week ever. God was with me so much . I feel so in sync with him, so in tune with our relationship. He has placed new friends in my life that have poured knowledge and wisdom in to me, and has not let my best friends disappear, my relationship with them is even stronger, its less focused on ourselves. He has been so close, i can sense him, throughout my days. On Thursday i probably had around 8 quiet times, i could not get enough of him. I believe that anything you surrender, is nothing in comparison to what God gives you back in return. Its only at the time we believe that its the end of the world, its only because we can't see the whole picture.

(Sorry this is long long long , stay with me)

The following day ,was forgiveness. I learned that, Satan can reign over our circumstances if we let him. When Satan comes to ruin us, he looks at our heart and weaknesses, like God, i personally believe, that he doesn't see me in my physical, he looks at me in my spiritual. He reads my heart and looks at my weaknesses, and what triggers it he leaches on to that because he thrives off our attention. Demonic powers derive from unforgiveness. The kingdom of heaven is founded on forgiveness and grace of Jesus- no one can earn their way in. We get in, through his mercy. In the same way we need to forgive. On the cross, Jesus was still and silent from 12pm to 3pm when he died, in Isaiah it tells us in that moment god laid his hands on Jesus, all the iniquities of sin we have ever done. Jesus was bearing all of our shame, all of our guilt. He knows what it feels like to be a murderer, a rapist and adulterer. That is how i was saved... and this is how i should progress. Unforgiveness and anger are the biggest foot holds for the devil to enter us. When i am angry in my life and speak out things that are not of myself, i believe my mouth is anointed with satanic power. Anger and jealousy is like drinking poison but waiting for the other person to die. when in fact it is only ourselves we are killing.
I have been realising that none of us deserve unconditional love or forgiveness. but he gives it. I am also slowly figuring it out that no one has unconditional love.. don't expect and don't give it! because we don't have it!!! the only one who can give me this kind of love is Jesus. i have been suffering because of a lack of love, only because i have been searching in all the wrong places.
If i want to be a great lover i have to be a great forgiver because the people you love the most have the power to hurt you the most. If i identify my deepest wounds in my heart, they always trace back to the people i loved the most in life. The hardest person i need to forgive , is that exact person i loved the most. I confessed all the people on my heart to God that i have never managed to forgive , and without their apology i felt the biggest weight and burden fall off me. I felt incrediby light!
So, i urge you all to now, go and forgive.

....

new years ... i didnt check spelling.

happy new year ! I am writing this at the back of the chai tea tent. I am in Ayrlie beach this week, its the home of the great barrier reef, hippy dresses and ugly toads. Our school is volunteering for impact summer, its basically the high peak season for backpackers to come to Australia, so we set up a massive tent complete with cushions, a heap of candles, and live music for the backpackers to come and chill out rather than getting absolutley wasted...its been affective-ish. However, its beautiful, its been really chill. Tonight , we all went on the beach , and watched the fireworks, i have never seen something so beautiful, the fireworks were so close. Me and nataly were a tad late, i think it must not be an Australian tradition for people not to count down, i was still expecting 2010 to come around and kiss goodbye 2009 10 minutes after 12. I trust that i am a new creation in God, however, because its new years and all, its symbolically, a fresh start in my walk with God. I sat on the beach just before 12 by myself, and reminised with myself about the past year. I imagined God being with me in everything i did; the time i was so ill i had to be dragged through the airport in a wheel chair, i imagined him pushing me, to the time wheni cried and screamed myself to sleep, i imagined god sleeping next to me, or even the times when my belly hurts from laughing so much , i can imagine his hurting to. Even though i have gone my way time and time again this past year , he has been right there waiting on me. I never chose to be a christian, i never chose him , he already handpicked me !
Anyways, away from the cheesyness, the best backpackers have honestly been the british ones, totally unbiased. Its been so refreshing to hear english humour, and to have a conversation without someone saying "what ?". I have loved this week! Last week, i felt very distant from God because it was " vacation". It reminded me how important my quiet times are. I have been devoted to them , God is telling me so much, he gives me such a confidence about myself, that only he can give. I seriously would not be able to look at myself in the mirror or step out my box and talk to complete randomers about myself, withoutHim telling me that I am beautiful every day.
WOW! I have to include this , last night , claire, was in real pain. She suffered a car accident about a year ago, she broke her back, since then, she has not been able to dance, and had to even stop her ballet training, because of the technicality. Claire never ever moans about anything , she has such a strong spirit , she never burdens anyone with her problems, but during worship, i noticed Steph and nataly praying over her. claire had not been able to sit down all day , the pain had been over bearing . We prayed for complete healing . I believe IN FAITH that God can heal her back, his name is healer, and we are his children. He is the living god, he is not just a historic figure put down in ink in the bible. I experience him in my life every day. So all three of us, knew he would heal her, we commanded the enemy to leave her body , to never be a hinderance to her ever again. Claire was called to dance, he wants to dance with her, when she dances i believe he explodes with excitement! We were praying for about 2 hours, we were all crying and screaming , people must have thought we were mad! We asked her to lie down and get back up she gradually started feeling better, she said her back was 20% healed, then 40% , then 50% then a few moments later, she lay back down and came up and whispered "i dont feel anything" . i will never ever forget that moment! I glanced at steph, and we both broke down on the floor crying and praising him. Claire danced that night.

christmas

Christmas day.
This was a Christmas like no other.
Our school has been spending the past week on the beautiful Sunshine coast , on the down side, we have been staying in a shack. Well, it's
supposed to be a "boy's scout lodge" , it's basically in the middle of nowhere in the country side. There are cockcroaches everywhere and massive huntsman spiders ew.
We have no running water, this morning, i had a shower in the rain, it was beautiful and freezing. If we want to brush our teeth or wash our face we have to walk about 2 miles
to this park which has a public toilet. So you can only imagine how attractive I am looking these days. Me, Nat, Claire and Steph decided to get away from everyone
for the night of Christmas eve , so we booked an apartment in this cute rustic town called monteville.
The apartment was luxury in comparison to the shed we are staying in. The owners are the nicest people i know, they let Steph stay for free, they offered us lifts
to and from the town and back to our trash can when we came home christmas day.
Christmas eve was so much fun, i LOVED the fact that Christmas was nothing like a usual Christmas - it made me miss home less. Plus Christmas' are never what they
appear to be. The hype of christmas is so much more fun than the actual day, when there always seems to be some awkward fight or some depressing nostalgic feelings.
This was hands down my favourite christmas ever. We all went skinny dipping the night before in our pool, which was not as secret as we thought . The hotel balcony was
right above us, and a massive family with children were all pointing and laughing at us. We watched wayne's world and wedding crashers... festive films. I LOVE
buying presents , my love language is words of affirmation, but I'm sure it should be gift's because i love buying people presents! I brought nataly a possum, because
we both have an obsession with them, i brought claire this hippy dress to match her new dread's look, and i brought steph some pretty jewlerry just because.
Christmas day was disorientating , it did not feel like christmas at all. Perfect ! It was just what i needed, God is such a provider!!!!
I woke up early and went for a run through the country, it was beautiful. I was shouting and singing worship the whole way. Psycho beahaviour.
We had a healthy breakfast of chocolate cake and just chocolate. We all had another swim, and then got dressed, which was an ordeal for me, as nothing fits me anymore.
We all walked to town and took pictures of the beautiful town, just staring at the mountains and the stunning country side was just breath taking, it was the best
present God could of given me for Christmas ever,
check them out on facebook ! :) We then went back to the lodge about 4 pm. I opened my stocking from
my friends and i got beautiful letters from my friends, vouchers for gloria jeans coffee mmm, an edward cullen bag! :), a pretty skirt, and a tonne of candy.
We then went to the water falls, it was AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING! so, when we was on the coach beforehand, i was so pumped and arrogant "ill do the highest jump" "ill
do it easy" .... however, the walk up down the rocks to even get to the falls was a killer for me, i was slipping and cutting my legs and bleeding everywhere. It
was a nightmare, im the least outdoorsey girl ever. I grew up in Essex. We swam in the falls, and there were leaches everywhere because it had been raining.
Me landon nat claire steph and nick , climbed to the lowest jump , which they say is the lowest , but really its mahooosive. It took me forever and a day to jump.
I kept getting myself syked up for the jump, i was up there for at least 30 minutes just standing on the ledge. Landon was so supportive and encouraging. He said
he would not jump without me because the only way to come down from the rocks is to jump. There is a high risk of death as well!!! YES, DEATH!
Landon said he would jump with me, only if i jumped at the exact same time as him, otherwise if i jumped a second to late after him, my body would hit the water
in an awkward way and i could paralyze myself or hurt him. But i knew I could not jump alone. Seriously, I have such low self esteem around guys lately , but he was
sooooooooooooo supportive, and showed me such brotherly love. He was so patient with me, all the other guys were just jumping and diving showing off. We jumped in the end,
it was so scary, the fall is so long in the air, it was so hard to breathe. My hands hit the water in a weird way, and they are all bruised, my bum is seriously purple
with bruises, and my lower back hurts so much i can't even sit up or lay down. As soon as i got into the water, i wanted to the highest jump, i was so excited with
adrenaline. So me and Landon jumped from the highest jump, it took me ages once again, there were rocks pocking out of the cliff , so you had to run forward to not
land on the rocks. I jumped a second to late so landon dragged me down and i landed on my back first. It was a killer.
But the most amazing feeling in the world.
We all had christmas dinner, it was AMAZING! so yum, we then watched a bug's life!
tomorrow, we are travelling for a whole 17 hours, to airlie beach , its taking 2 days ,we are camping for a night.
the end, i miss u mummy, thank you for my stocking and letter :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx love love love . x

baptism! yeyeyey 18th december

18th December Today i was baptised in Australia. "we were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the father we to may live a new life. if we have been united with him in a death like his we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his."- Romans 6v4.
This week we have been having lectures on lordship. I have been learning that worship is not all about me, I need to stop singing songs like "oh how he loves me" ...or... "when the darkness closes in lord still I will say" ... I am becoming a needy christian, just demanding love and comfort from God all the time. Don't get me wrong these songs are amazing , when we need to hear these words and need to feel loved. Yet, I already have the knowledge that he loves me and i know he is faithful. As Christians we need to start worshiping god for who he is, his character and how great, amazing and abundantly giving he is! We are not in a one way relationship with God, i always expect him to give, give , give to me, and my prayers usually resemble a shopping list and i never seem to give back the praise and worship he deserves. Religion teaches us to concentrate on ourselves, and our wrong doing , however we need to quit looking at ourselves, and look to Jesus in us. Who is perfect, righteous and faithful. It is not through our actions that we believe , it is because we believe we change and then our actions change. I never understood why people fasted, committed themselves to quiet times, or worshipped so dramatically . It's because they love God so much. I had no idea that I had such a passion to love my brothers and sisters here, until a few days ago when i realised that Christ lives in them as well, and because he loves me so much i want to love on them as well. The only way we can truly follow Jesus, is to pick up our cross daily and die to ourselves daily. I used to get so frustrated with God, believing that i was healed after one night in one random church in a healing service, then realising that this was only temporary. It's a battle every day, and many battles I will lose, of course, but , the war has been won. I have won! Jesus won, there is nothing i need to strive for or do, he did it , he made a public example, by dragging a cross , pining himself to it and dying for everything i have ever done , dying to all my suffering and pain. I have never understood what dying to myself meant or the extent of that. I have always desired the "easy christian life" , in which Jesus can fit nicely in to my life ... just for Sunday's , while i carry on practicing my sinful nature, and committing the same sinful behaviour,and knowing that Jesus will always be there for me to repent. However, Paul says in the Bible that "I will not give to god which costs me nothing"I was meditating on this thought , and i realised that, no, i probably would not give up my past my hope of being married, my every desire, i will not lay down my earthly possessions, or my need to control my food. Yet, when Jesus came to earth he lay down his all, he died for me. I realised that i needed to die to myself,I am dragging around a dead Esther with me, I am living in the past . That Esther is dead. God covered my sin with his blood. I want to walk in to the calling he has for me, i want to be the Esther he originally created me to be. Our speaker suddenly said during mid lecture, "i know what we should do , we should have a baptism, if anyone wants to be baptised?" Personally, I was baptised as a 4 month baby , so of course i had no choice in the decision. He gave us a few moments to decide, I prayed about it and I felt God say to me, there is no right time to do this , do you want to waste another day Esther? or do you want to be the new Esther i designed you to be ?! ... So, out of the 40 students in my school, about 7 of us decided they wanted to be baptised in my leader Noah's swimming pool... classy. Before hand, they had us all prayed for, by everyone, I had to speak out everything I wanted to say to God. It was so hard to lay down my everything and say goodbye to the past , to the false hope of a future with him, to my eating disorder, to the lies spoken over my life. My identity is not in how i look, or how much weight i lose or gain, not in pretty dresses, or a relationship and the value of that which was laid upon me ,Rather, it is in the girl that God has named me. He calls me by the name beautiful, by the name, loved. I am discovering and i have to constantly remind myself day by day, that God would never create anything ugly or disgusting , but everything beautiful and adored. When i stepped in to the water, Hannah lenz, my one on one said to me that she had a picture of God taking his right hand and pulling me up from the deep dark waters and when I come up I will be called Queen Esther. And i will have the authority and power in me to say NO to the enemy when he comes along,he has no right or place in my life. CHRIST LIVES IN ME! The same power that conquered the world lives in me, nothing is impossible for Jesus, therefore nothing is impossible for me. I am spotless, sinless and pure. Not only has God forgiven me but he has also obliterated my sin. He has made me a brand new creation. I am a slave of Christ, brought by the blood of Christ. A slave is not described because of the way we act but because of ownership. Romans 7 says In me dwells no good thing except Christ. So i went down in to the water , and when i came up i left all my sinful nature and all of myself at the bottom of the pool. I came up as God's child, prepared to be used for his glory in anyway he wants me to be used. I just wanted to run screaming, I WAS SO EXCITED.

byron week two

byron bay! week 2. I hope you read the previous blog, because this one will make no sense otherwise! This week has been horrible horrible horrible! I have no energy whatsoever, so i let my memories and past grow stronger and stronger until they were in front of my eyes.I have no respect for myself or my body, so i just ate and ate until i wanted to throw up every day, i am waking up in the middle of the night to make myself throw upand do 200 crunches. I am hating myself more and more everyday, i see no hope. We have been having teaching on evangalism, and on wednesday night we had to act outwhat we had learn and go out to the city and attempt to talk to a group of people about a "deep and meaningful" conversation about god. My heart was not in the rightplace to begin with , i wanted the night to be over as soon as possible so i could go back to the church and throw up my dinner. There was heaps of schoolies out this night, and every one i felt likethey were staring at my horrible body. I was wearing a big jumper (the only thing that does fit me these days) and some shorts, i caught a glimpse of myself in a window walking past, and i startedbreathing so heavily i did not recognise the girl staring back at me. I was breathing and panicKing so much , i just started to run, what was i doing?! I was running away frommy team, i was running towards the ocean. I just kept running. I guess i just wanted to run away from myself. Hannah, my one on one, chasing after meshe stopped me, and was praying for me. I was so angry i did not want anyone to stare at me, let alone pray for me. I did nOt even want them to look at the mess, i felt like an elephant. I spoke with God, i told him i wanted the lies spoken over me to disapear. I have this standard in my head, of being perfect and skinnyand if im not reaching that standard then i might as well eat eat eat , because i am nothing. I hate destroying myself. I know clothes don't identify people but wearingmy pretty dresses and having my hair in a certain way gives me confidence it makes me Esther. That night , i felt dissapointment for myself, after all of last weeks breakthrough withken and after telling the enemy to leave my life, and starting to eat normally... i just slipped back in to old ways. The next couple of days have been horrible, i refuse looking in a full length mirror or going in to clothes shops because i cant stand my reflection. I just look in a compact mirror. My body is hideous. i can't feel my ribs, or my bones anymore. My face is bloated and i hate even writing this out. I hate thinking about why i feel like this. I hate thatwhat happened has had such serious consequences on my life, and the possibility that i am unsure if i will ever over come this, and i hate that he has been let off so lightly. that he can enjoy lifeand be happy and pretend like it never happened, and worse of all to think that he is "better off" and things worked out "for the best" . Which is the most disgusting sick phrase i have ever heard. Do not ever tell me this is gods will for my life, that what happened was for a reason and that this is for the best. Because if i let myself believe that god is not a lovinggod, then i very much doubt i would be here or doing a dts. It is not god's will for me to be like this, to struggle to get out of bed in the morning and to have the same circle of thoughts of notmeeting a standard so starving so binging so throwing up. Speaking this out, and being honest with God helps. I have realised that even if i am angry at god, i am going to run to him with thatnot run to myself, any emotion whether that be, happy, excited, sad, depressed, lonely or angry. I will speak it out to god. I'm in need of healing, true lasting healing. I'm planning not to eat for the next 4 days and then i will be happy. what is wrong with me?!?!?!?!??!?!!??!!?This week, relationships have been on my heart so strong its been a burden. Here at ywam, "special relationships" are totally banned because our focus is supposed to be on jesus. In the begining this rule was an absolute joke, everyone laughed about it. However , recently every girl here is touching a guy on our school, we sit there in lectures and girls are givingback rubs to guys, guys are playing with girls hair. I thought this would not bother me, but o boy does it! It bothers me so much i have to walk away because it makes me feel so awkard. I think its after whats happened to personally and my trust with guys, i just dont want to visually see this immature flirting. These people as far as i know no nothing about love or loss or hurt. That kind of touching should just be for your husband and no one else. Some guys try to draw tattoos on me, or stroke my arm or lean against me, the same as every girl. I dont want that. I see it as an analogy of sweets, if someone puts all their handsand fingers over a sweet and then give it to me, i would not want that sweet. I have made a vow, that i want every touch every cuddle and every kiss to be just for my husband. and i know that might be extreme, and i would of laughed at this before, but its something i so strongly feel and believe. I have been so hurt and abused by men in my life and i am only 18. I only get to live one life and i do not want this lifestyle the rest of my lifeSo i openly apologise for any guy that i have playfully hugged or touched, this is wrong. I am knowingly robbing you of your relationship with your wife. I feel so guilty. I also have a strong heart for the guys here on dts, theres one attractive young guy here from America, i will not say his name, but he has just turned18 and is a great friend of mine and with every otehr girl here aswell, every girl touches him and strokes him and lets them stroke him too. Every girl here is beautiful, if a load of christian good looking guys were touching me up every day i would be in heaven and my focus would not be on jesus, and i would not be the full potentialgod intended me to be. I feel so sorry for this guy, his love language is clearly physical touch, but girls have totally robbed him of his experience, i do not have a clue where his focus is, actually i can see where it is, he seeks out girls all the time to sit next to, he always has to be touching someone. we are trying to raiseup godly men, and lets be honest there is hardly any godly men in this world. Real godly men, that look for the godly beauty in a woman rather than outwardly beauty. We as women, are not being loving to them if we encourage this. Personally i feel so angry at myself that i have settled for less than i deserve in regards to relationships. I will not let myself settle for anything less than a godly man. I do not want to fall inlove with my husband, i want to fall in to god together. I want a man so passionate about god, and i will not let myself anymore go for anything less, even ifthis means waiting forever. I know god has created my perfect somebody, he knows my desire to be married, i truly believe he will not forsake me.I pray so hard that one day, i will be able to believe, that someone will love me whether i am fat or thin. i have been praying so hard every day , that i will be able to look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful, truly beautiful. It is my hearts desire. I know god created me , esther first, he created my smile, my laugh, my character before he put the outward layer on. And i know to him , my original design, the esther heknit together in my mothers womb is absolutley flawless and perfect. I pray one day a man will see this in me, and see me so perfect and beautiful. he will see my passion for Jesus, he will see my character, he will my love, he will see Esther.