what a week...

(having fun with font on this one... ooh i live a crazy lifestyle)
This week completely rocked my badly learned theology, and transformed it into a brand new perspective. I am no longer reading the bible with my eyes closed, I am reading it wide eyed and soaking in everything he tells me.
Coming back from Airlie beach , our lectures this week were supposed to be based on 'Spiritual warfare', it seemed necessary as our school had been experiencing an extreme amount of attacks from the enemy.
However, Noah felt like God wanted him to teach on something else, so we scrapped our timetable, and allowed God to lead the whole week.
On Tuesday, we had lectures on 'Worship'. And get this ...Worship and Praise are completely different !!! Biblicaly everything we do in "worship times" such as actions, dancing , singing, instruments, clapping , the whole lot , is actually praise... NOT worship. I can stand there and dance with such passion, and fall to the floor in tears, but still not reach the point of worship. Worship is the heart attitude. The only way we can worship is through our spirit, it happens inwardly , which causes us to perform these actions outwardly. Noah told us the 7 Praises that are mentioned in the bible- and to my horror, yes, flag waving is one of them. Oh dear. Its named Dagal (Hebrew) - to raise a flag or banner. Although , I'm pretty sure that the church , has changed it in to an annoying children activity , the only purpose, to flap the flags in my face and attack me with the poles.. thanks. :/ ..... :)
I realised that God wants me in my rawest state. Not the Esther that tries to impress people in worship , or the Esther that fakes it... believe me , you cannot fake it with God. He wants the honest me, even if it is ugly and blunt, because, he deserves it.
This prompted the question, what comes first , the chicken or the egg.. the praise or the worship? Sometimes, i can't feel worship, sometimes my heart does not get to that stage, so i have to press in, and i put my hands up and i sing louder, till my heart follows... do i do that first?.. or do i wait on God to give me the heart and then praise?.... The answer is do both. simple.
After being inspired and pumped up for learning more, Noah told the class he wanted to talk to certain individuals about their journey and attitude. (p.s. I have no intention of writing out this story publicly for no particular reason, so bear with me, it has a meaning) This did not faze me, in my eyes, I am a top student! WRONG... After lunch i was immediately asked to meet with Hannah (my one on one) and Noah , in what seemed like a tiny interrogation room, to discuss my bad attitude and behaviour... great. He explained to me that some leaders had been examining my attitude in Airlie beach, the previous week, and realised i was having a difficult time. WHAT?! In my mind, i was screaming. I loved last week, evangelising... pfft i have it down to perfection. I adore talking to new people, sharing the gospel, LOVE..and my relationships with my school was on a roll... ha ha (i am only boasting in Christ) .... could he even see me?! Well, if i have to admit, some of my personal feelings about my appearance did effect my attitude in times of privacy. But that's about all i could dig out in myself. He then went on to say that he believes i should reconsider going to South Africa, if my attitude continues, because it effects the entire group. I sat there in tears, i could hear the enemies whispers in my ear , condemning me , telling me that 'maybe DTS was not the right choice... maybe i have not changed at all... maybe i should go home'. However, It instantly came in to my mind and reminded me, that we are on spiritual warfare week, even if we was not having teaching on it , i was clearly experiencing it first hand. Noah has never talked to me personally during my entire dts, i explained to him that he has missed out on seeing God's "success story" in me, I know in confidence that he has changed me and as my leader... Noah unfortunately missed my heart. He was shocked, he apologised , and later told me that he had never perceived that view of me, it was only second hand accounts from one staff member, it was a rehearsed line that he would of told anyone that was sitting in my seat, he prayed for me and demanded any lies spoken over me to be broken. I walked away feeling completely battered, it was like a stab through my heart, why would God send me half way across the world only to be condemned?
Straight after i went to God, i begged for him to tell me my identity in him and convict me if i have been a bad student. I journalled it all down, and read back what he said, which was... i am worth it and i am transformed and baptised in his spirit. HOWEVER....my focus has shifted inwardly, Nataly, Claire, Landon and Stephanie, are my best friends here and neither me nor them are bad people, yet, i feel that God told me that our focus had turned poisonous and bad because we was looking at each other for support, love and acceptance. Which is great, don't get me wrong....i just was not getting anything from God, it was all from friends. He told me to sacrifice them for a season, not stop being friends with them at all, but branch off, invest my time to be with him, choose to spend time with him, over spending a night with friends. It was awful, these guys are the best people i have met in my life, they are amazing. But then I realised, its just because of that reason i need to surrender them , once again i had been idolising human kind.
I was afraid that i was going to be lonely, that people would think i some kind of "teachers pet" when i sit at the front of the class, or that my devotional times would just end up being empty and... boring.... NO NO NO. In fact, i had the best week ever. God was with me so much . I feel so in sync with him, so in tune with our relationship. He has placed new friends in my life that have poured knowledge and wisdom in to me, and has not let my best friends disappear, my relationship with them is even stronger, its less focused on ourselves. He has been so close, i can sense him, throughout my days. On Thursday i probably had around 8 quiet times, i could not get enough of him. I believe that anything you surrender, is nothing in comparison to what God gives you back in return. Its only at the time we believe that its the end of the world, its only because we can't see the whole picture.

(Sorry this is long long long , stay with me)

The following day ,was forgiveness. I learned that, Satan can reign over our circumstances if we let him. When Satan comes to ruin us, he looks at our heart and weaknesses, like God, i personally believe, that he doesn't see me in my physical, he looks at me in my spiritual. He reads my heart and looks at my weaknesses, and what triggers it he leaches on to that because he thrives off our attention. Demonic powers derive from unforgiveness. The kingdom of heaven is founded on forgiveness and grace of Jesus- no one can earn their way in. We get in, through his mercy. In the same way we need to forgive. On the cross, Jesus was still and silent from 12pm to 3pm when he died, in Isaiah it tells us in that moment god laid his hands on Jesus, all the iniquities of sin we have ever done. Jesus was bearing all of our shame, all of our guilt. He knows what it feels like to be a murderer, a rapist and adulterer. That is how i was saved... and this is how i should progress. Unforgiveness and anger are the biggest foot holds for the devil to enter us. When i am angry in my life and speak out things that are not of myself, i believe my mouth is anointed with satanic power. Anger and jealousy is like drinking poison but waiting for the other person to die. when in fact it is only ourselves we are killing.
I have been realising that none of us deserve unconditional love or forgiveness. but he gives it. I am also slowly figuring it out that no one has unconditional love.. don't expect and don't give it! because we don't have it!!! the only one who can give me this kind of love is Jesus. i have been suffering because of a lack of love, only because i have been searching in all the wrong places.
If i want to be a great lover i have to be a great forgiver because the people you love the most have the power to hurt you the most. If i identify my deepest wounds in my heart, they always trace back to the people i loved the most in life. The hardest person i need to forgive , is that exact person i loved the most. I confessed all the people on my heart to God that i have never managed to forgive , and without their apology i felt the biggest weight and burden fall off me. I felt incrediby light!
So, i urge you all to now, go and forgive.

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