yesterday night i had a dream. i have never had a spirtual dream, but i can only put this one down to god, seeing as its nothing i would dream up of.
i was coming back home, it was a sunday i was about to go church, face my fear. and to be honest, it is my fear. my heart is already in hextable. im not puting my whole heart into australia because im always thinking about "when i get back... " "when he see's me again will i be skinny" "will i pretty enough?". Australia does not matter. It wouldnt even take an apology , it would be so simple and i would go running. I was in my kitchen at home, with my mum telling her how much I have changed after dts and I can't wait for everyone to see how much I have changed. I got to church , and on one side of the church standing there was him and his wife, i know her name i know exactly what she looks like, and on my side was all of my dts friends, we was at the front of the church, barefoot and dancing, WORSHIPING.
and i didnt glance over at the couple to my right , i just started dancing and laughing and I never looked back.
when i woke up i was crying so hard, nataly went to bed with me that night and she wasnt there in the morning and then it dawned on me "i am all alone , i have no one". and its the hardest thing to say out loud. but then i had a wave of contentment. on sunday me and nataly went to the beach we had just made friends with these girls who were backpacking from england, they asked us if we wanted to go out to town next week. i grabbed nataly's hand in the sand, and it was so exciting not knowing whats going to happen next, not having plans mapped out for you and having complete freedom. No, its not as exciting, or "butterfly" giving as the feeling of love, but it was still pretty exciting.
and for the first time in my life, i actually want to be single, which is odd because of always pictured myself in the role of a wife, so i know this urge must be from god. i want to be alone. Not knowing where my money, or my next plane ticket, or where i will end up gives me such freedom. so that morning i went back to bed.
the day was horrible after that dream, i really felt a heavy calling on me to say it out. to give it all up in front of god. but i kept putting it back.
this morning everyone is supposed to be giving their outreach options, but i didnt care, im still torn between 3 , and so i was stressing out. nataly and liz were on the viranda at about 12, i lay down , curled up, and just sobbed. i dont think i have sobbed like that since it happened, it was almost screams. and i dont know what brought it on.
and i finally said it, i finally laid it down at gods feet. No, i do not understand God's plan or "will" in this. But Im going to trust it.
It hurts so much , but now i know that i dont think going back to hextable is right and i dont think this is the call on my life. I dont think im supposed to be looking back but looking forward.
im seeing this experience more of a second chance in life, to experience so much beauty instead of a healing process. i think in some ways it would of been cruel of god to have left me in that relationship, just to play the role of a wife because even if i cannot see it now, i would of been robbed of so many other experiences.
I love playing the friend, i have never experienced friendships like the ones i have here. so intense and so selfless. I think i am a good friend. I also will not let myself believe, however, easy that might be, that i will never get married. god has put so much love for another on my heart, so so much. he would not design me in such a way for that to go to waste. he wants me to lavish it on another. but im learning , that i do not mind waiting for that.
im struggling so much this tuesday morning, none of my clothes fit, im feeling so vulnerable im just eating beacause i need comfort, im crying all the time, and blocking people out.
i miss you mum so much, and im sorry for being so honest in this.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
bksdfjvsdnvndv
so im sitting next to claire on the top of our bunkbed and i have not managed to stop laughing for the past 2 hours. you know those type of laughs that hurt your belly , that make you either want to go to the toilet or throw up. i have forgotten the reason why im actually laughing. and i just realised, i am so happy. i take my life for granted so much, life is so short. i have been thinking recently that i am nothing in comparison to the grand scheme of things, i am merely 2 seconds in Gods creation. i am not important at all, just a glimpse of life. but if i put myself into gods kingdom, then i think i give myself meaning.
yesterday , our mad group went to the city to the GOMA art museum, that was a fail. Because Noah our leader had no idea that 75% of the museum was closed off. But, how convenient, there was an art museum oppisite. To be honest, I am not the biggest fan of art, i should really appreciate it and i envy those who can just stare at a piece of art for hours. i stand as long as it takes for me to read the little piece of caption below the painting. the museum was not so bad, there was a lot of abstract, the white canvas' painted black annoy me. where is the creativity in that ?! i could do that, and i can just about draw stick people. afterwards we went to southbank in the city (the man made beach) and it was a beautiful day as always, so 40 of us had a traditional australian bbq. in oz, they have outdoor bbq's free to use everywhere, street corners, in parks, on beaches, everywhere! really nice, like a big fat oven outside, how weird! everything is so clean, and ungraffited, makes a change from romford station. we sunbathed for a while, but unfortunatley we had to go back to dreaded dance.
i am actually dreading it recently , i have little confidence as it is, and to stand in front of those great big mirrors for hours in awkward positions my body just won't let me do , makes me feel even more insecure. Plus everyone here is amazing at dancing , i am constantly ranking myself up against the other girls. There is such a pressure on the dancers as a whole, not just to dance well, but to look above compitition and the way we have been trained to dance, but to work as a team and dance for God's glory, as well as having the expectation of eating the right things, having the "dancers body" and working out at least twice a day. The dancing is so intense, i have been working out around twice a day in the gym plus dance workouts in the day , its hardcore. This is good, yet it leaves me little or no time at all to have quiet time with God or even spend time with him. I didnt necessarily come on dts for dancing , i just liked that it was a dancing dts because i enjoy dancing as a hobby and because i get my kicks from it when i manage to get a few moves right but some girls here, dance is their life, they live to dance. it makes me feel bad when i complain and i hate thinking that i am going to let them down, being the fat girl at the back of the room who cannot pick up the moves even though she has been taught 8 times beforehand.
Hannah and maureen taught us some choreography, soooo, okayyy. firstly i looked at the danced with a closed heart and mind, the style was odd to me, i had never danced in this kind of way before. it was almost a cross between hip hop and contemporary and ballet. so very odd.
the beat of the music is to percusion, and the rhythm is so odd, its really hard to be on time. this makes it even worse for me, considering i have no rhythm whatsoever. when i say that people dont understand "but your a dancer , you must have rhythm?" but really i just dance how i feel and hope that my moves connect smoothly.
i started learning the dance with a negative attitude. i was already frustrated with myself about my eating , so just dancing in the mirror made things worse. i picked up the dance okay in the end, and it finally manage to look okay.
i think as a dance group we often forget the real reason why we are dancing , we rarely pray before dance rehearsals and give that time to god, we just jump into it. i have some wonderful girls in my dance group who have so much patience with me, theres this girl called steph, she is beautful , she is a great mentor, she is always first to say she will help someone who is struggling.
so yesterday was difficult, but today has been much better.
blah blah, i wrote all that is above last night but didnt get to post it because internet failed. so im going to add a bit of whats happened today.
this morning , i woke up ill! so i crawled into bed with nataly, she played with my hair so that made me feel better. she annoyingly doesnt live in our room, which is probably a good thing because like me she is messy and steals everyones clothes, so put us together is chaos.
we discovered our outreach places this morning. the choices are:
1. a cruise on the mercy ship travelling around australia for 8 weeks
2. India! going to calcutta.
3. Canada! niagra falls. beautiful!
4. South Africa!
5. Japan!
I have no idea where to go, we are banned from talking amongst each other about it , so our choice is not influenced by our friends. Currently I am torn between 3, I have over the weekend to decide and we have to tell our leaders on tuesday where we will be going. I am going to pray about it, me and Nataly really want a spiritual dream. So we are going to pray tonight and she will sleep in my bed and hopefully God will speak to us. We are fasting together this weekend, anything, just for a sign. I really want my choice of outreach to be completely God chosen.
Okay, i have a book assignment to do this weekend.
Love est. x
yesterday , our mad group went to the city to the GOMA art museum, that was a fail. Because Noah our leader had no idea that 75% of the museum was closed off. But, how convenient, there was an art museum oppisite. To be honest, I am not the biggest fan of art, i should really appreciate it and i envy those who can just stare at a piece of art for hours. i stand as long as it takes for me to read the little piece of caption below the painting. the museum was not so bad, there was a lot of abstract, the white canvas' painted black annoy me. where is the creativity in that ?! i could do that, and i can just about draw stick people. afterwards we went to southbank in the city (the man made beach) and it was a beautiful day as always, so 40 of us had a traditional australian bbq. in oz, they have outdoor bbq's free to use everywhere, street corners, in parks, on beaches, everywhere! really nice, like a big fat oven outside, how weird! everything is so clean, and ungraffited, makes a change from romford station. we sunbathed for a while, but unfortunatley we had to go back to dreaded dance.
i am actually dreading it recently , i have little confidence as it is, and to stand in front of those great big mirrors for hours in awkward positions my body just won't let me do , makes me feel even more insecure. Plus everyone here is amazing at dancing , i am constantly ranking myself up against the other girls. There is such a pressure on the dancers as a whole, not just to dance well, but to look above compitition and the way we have been trained to dance, but to work as a team and dance for God's glory, as well as having the expectation of eating the right things, having the "dancers body" and working out at least twice a day. The dancing is so intense, i have been working out around twice a day in the gym plus dance workouts in the day , its hardcore. This is good, yet it leaves me little or no time at all to have quiet time with God or even spend time with him. I didnt necessarily come on dts for dancing , i just liked that it was a dancing dts because i enjoy dancing as a hobby and because i get my kicks from it when i manage to get a few moves right but some girls here, dance is their life, they live to dance. it makes me feel bad when i complain and i hate thinking that i am going to let them down, being the fat girl at the back of the room who cannot pick up the moves even though she has been taught 8 times beforehand.
Hannah and maureen taught us some choreography, soooo, okayyy. firstly i looked at the danced with a closed heart and mind, the style was odd to me, i had never danced in this kind of way before. it was almost a cross between hip hop and contemporary and ballet. so very odd.
the beat of the music is to percusion, and the rhythm is so odd, its really hard to be on time. this makes it even worse for me, considering i have no rhythm whatsoever. when i say that people dont understand "but your a dancer , you must have rhythm?" but really i just dance how i feel and hope that my moves connect smoothly.
i started learning the dance with a negative attitude. i was already frustrated with myself about my eating , so just dancing in the mirror made things worse. i picked up the dance okay in the end, and it finally manage to look okay.
i think as a dance group we often forget the real reason why we are dancing , we rarely pray before dance rehearsals and give that time to god, we just jump into it. i have some wonderful girls in my dance group who have so much patience with me, theres this girl called steph, she is beautful , she is a great mentor, she is always first to say she will help someone who is struggling.
so yesterday was difficult, but today has been much better.
blah blah, i wrote all that is above last night but didnt get to post it because internet failed. so im going to add a bit of whats happened today.
this morning , i woke up ill! so i crawled into bed with nataly, she played with my hair so that made me feel better. she annoyingly doesnt live in our room, which is probably a good thing because like me she is messy and steals everyones clothes, so put us together is chaos.
we discovered our outreach places this morning. the choices are:
1. a cruise on the mercy ship travelling around australia for 8 weeks
2. India! going to calcutta.
3. Canada! niagra falls. beautiful!
4. South Africa!
5. Japan!
I have no idea where to go, we are banned from talking amongst each other about it , so our choice is not influenced by our friends. Currently I am torn between 3, I have over the weekend to decide and we have to tell our leaders on tuesday where we will be going. I am going to pray about it, me and Nataly really want a spiritual dream. So we are going to pray tonight and she will sleep in my bed and hopefully God will speak to us. We are fasting together this weekend, anything, just for a sign. I really want my choice of outreach to be completely God chosen.
Okay, i have a book assignment to do this weekend.
Love est. x
Sunday, November 8, 2009
how can I think about loving God if I can't even love myself?
This weekend has been a whirlwind of emotions.
I woke up Sunday morning with this sick empty feeling. I felt so disorientated and panicked when I woke up. Since being here, my memory is so clear, all I do is replay situations of the past year and how I could of been that better person or done things differently. I feel like I have been robbed of this oppurtunity, all my time and emotions are dedicated to someonelse, and not God. I am not appreciating being in Australia, the beautiful new friends I have or the experiences I am running away from. I went down to breakfast and then after breakfast i had my lunch all before 10 am, I was so angry at myself, I just wanted to wish the day away and hide under my bed covers. I ran down the road, and made a collect call to my mum, it must have been about midnight english time but my mum answered anyways, becuase she is amazing.
I cried on the phone and broke down for the first time being here, I sat on the street floor in a public road. I didn't care, I'm fed up of trying to make a good impression or an expectation of being happy.
I yelled and complained to mum about God, not hearing his voice and being frustrated that I cannot stop myself loving someone, when its so easy for the other to stop caring all together. I felt unappreciative telling my mum this, like she has wasted her money sending me here, when all i can do is cry. My mum is one of those special one of a kind mum's that will give up anything, that is possible, to make someone else happy, she does this especially with her children, anything materially or time consuming that i need, my mum will stupidly do her best to go and get it for me, whether that be that new pretty dress in topshop or a ticket to australia, however i could sense the desperation in my mum's voice on the phone when she knows she cannot change how people feel or make certain people love me. I sometimes loath God for giving us freewill, I wish he could just make people love each other or just stop them falling out of love with each other. Things would be so much easier.
I am so angry at God for talking to other people so here so strongly, telling them what to do at home involving relationships, telling Nataly to change from music to dance or telling another girl to staff on DTS next year. Why does he not give me any clear picture of what i should do with my future, I believe I need it most! I feel so lost, only a few months ago my life was mapped out, i knew exactly where i was heading, and who i was going to be with. Being here is like taking medicine, I know its going to be horrible and taste disgusting, but its going to make me better and heal me.
I'm so desperate for God.
So, i slept the day away. Everyone else went to the beach, i woke up around 5.30. Nataly slept in the oppisite bed to me. I shut down to everyone that day, which is unlike me. I normally put on this positive facade and pretend I'm happy when in reality I'm rotting inside.
I went for a walk with Nataly that night and we talked for a bit, when I got back I started to block out any thoughts of home or whats happened this year and it worked, I temporarily was happy again, I had a fun night as usual.
Today, I was planning to go to the city and then to the beach , but its raining just my luck! But i woke up and worked out at 7 am! I felt so good about myself i just wanted to binge eat again, so i binged this morning until i wanted to throw up. I was so angry with myself again, i felt like my day had been ruined so i went for a power walk, as I was walking i bumped in to Dave Niebling he is the base leader of brisbane. If Dave talks to you, its like the Queen talking to you. I have seen him a couple of times round the base and in true Esther fashion i always give him an overly enthusiastic hello. Anyways, just as I was about to burst in to tears and lose perspective, he said hello, and mentioned he had been praying for me. I have never talked to him, I was surprised he even knew my name, I have'nt heard God at all since I have been here, but I am pretty sure that was God in that situation. He said that I always look so happy and friendly and his daughter said the other day that i was the sweetest girl ever. I broke down in front of him and told him its all lies and that I am struggling with an eating disorder, i think he regretted talking to me. He asked me if I would like to talk later that day at 11.30.
So the rest of the morning has been spent reading and writing letters. I have been reading this book "is that really you God?" By Loren Cunningham.. i think?! He was the guy who set up YWAM in the beginning its taking a while to get in to, and at the moment i feel as if i have no strength to read at all. At 11.30 Dave saw me, and he took me out for coffee, I sat there and told him everything how i hated God for leaving me, for not keeping to his promises, i told him about what happened this year , how i can't look in the mirror, and how now I dont even want to dance now because i cant face looking in the mirrors.
He listened to me and watched me cry, and explained that I have commited idoltary, and put other things before God... I was thinking I know this, tell me something new ?! But at that moment it hit me, I talk all the time about wanting to be intimate with God, about asking forgiveness. But I never actually act on it. I have never actually waited for God's response, I just shout at him what I want him to do. If we are supposed to have a relationship with God, I should wait for his response. I should talk, he should talk back, it shouldn't be just one way. So today, I am going to go for a walk, because if anyone knows me, you would know, i feel most rested when im walking or running. And I am going to wait for his response. God talks to everyone in different ways, if you look through the bible, he talked to david through a dream, he talked to moses through a bush, he talked to mary through an angel. I have always believed that God can only talk to me through an audiable voice, but i have noticed that he talks to me through people. I am a people person and God has provided people in my life when i needed them most, like Jon Wren, to go for a walk with, Elaine Strafford when I need a comforter, Bernine Stewart when I needed to just cry on my kings kids mission and my Mum for fighting my battles. They all probably feel like they have made no or very litty impact in my life, but they really have.
Dave is going to get Hannah (my one and one) to pray for me about my eating and confessing my sins, and hushing the devil's voice and lies out of my life tomorrow, i cant wait. Before he left me he said "this is a new beginning esther i believe it". I can't hear God much at the moment, but I'm pretty sure that was God speaking to me then.
I woke up Sunday morning with this sick empty feeling. I felt so disorientated and panicked when I woke up. Since being here, my memory is so clear, all I do is replay situations of the past year and how I could of been that better person or done things differently. I feel like I have been robbed of this oppurtunity, all my time and emotions are dedicated to someonelse, and not God. I am not appreciating being in Australia, the beautiful new friends I have or the experiences I am running away from. I went down to breakfast and then after breakfast i had my lunch all before 10 am, I was so angry at myself, I just wanted to wish the day away and hide under my bed covers. I ran down the road, and made a collect call to my mum, it must have been about midnight english time but my mum answered anyways, becuase she is amazing.
I cried on the phone and broke down for the first time being here, I sat on the street floor in a public road. I didn't care, I'm fed up of trying to make a good impression or an expectation of being happy.
I yelled and complained to mum about God, not hearing his voice and being frustrated that I cannot stop myself loving someone, when its so easy for the other to stop caring all together. I felt unappreciative telling my mum this, like she has wasted her money sending me here, when all i can do is cry. My mum is one of those special one of a kind mum's that will give up anything, that is possible, to make someone else happy, she does this especially with her children, anything materially or time consuming that i need, my mum will stupidly do her best to go and get it for me, whether that be that new pretty dress in topshop or a ticket to australia, however i could sense the desperation in my mum's voice on the phone when she knows she cannot change how people feel or make certain people love me. I sometimes loath God for giving us freewill, I wish he could just make people love each other or just stop them falling out of love with each other. Things would be so much easier.
I am so angry at God for talking to other people so here so strongly, telling them what to do at home involving relationships, telling Nataly to change from music to dance or telling another girl to staff on DTS next year. Why does he not give me any clear picture of what i should do with my future, I believe I need it most! I feel so lost, only a few months ago my life was mapped out, i knew exactly where i was heading, and who i was going to be with. Being here is like taking medicine, I know its going to be horrible and taste disgusting, but its going to make me better and heal me.
I'm so desperate for God.
So, i slept the day away. Everyone else went to the beach, i woke up around 5.30. Nataly slept in the oppisite bed to me. I shut down to everyone that day, which is unlike me. I normally put on this positive facade and pretend I'm happy when in reality I'm rotting inside.
I went for a walk with Nataly that night and we talked for a bit, when I got back I started to block out any thoughts of home or whats happened this year and it worked, I temporarily was happy again, I had a fun night as usual.
Today, I was planning to go to the city and then to the beach , but its raining just my luck! But i woke up and worked out at 7 am! I felt so good about myself i just wanted to binge eat again, so i binged this morning until i wanted to throw up. I was so angry with myself again, i felt like my day had been ruined so i went for a power walk, as I was walking i bumped in to Dave Niebling he is the base leader of brisbane. If Dave talks to you, its like the Queen talking to you. I have seen him a couple of times round the base and in true Esther fashion i always give him an overly enthusiastic hello. Anyways, just as I was about to burst in to tears and lose perspective, he said hello, and mentioned he had been praying for me. I have never talked to him, I was surprised he even knew my name, I have'nt heard God at all since I have been here, but I am pretty sure that was God in that situation. He said that I always look so happy and friendly and his daughter said the other day that i was the sweetest girl ever. I broke down in front of him and told him its all lies and that I am struggling with an eating disorder, i think he regretted talking to me. He asked me if I would like to talk later that day at 11.30.
So the rest of the morning has been spent reading and writing letters. I have been reading this book "is that really you God?" By Loren Cunningham.. i think?! He was the guy who set up YWAM in the beginning its taking a while to get in to, and at the moment i feel as if i have no strength to read at all. At 11.30 Dave saw me, and he took me out for coffee, I sat there and told him everything how i hated God for leaving me, for not keeping to his promises, i told him about what happened this year , how i can't look in the mirror, and how now I dont even want to dance now because i cant face looking in the mirrors.
He listened to me and watched me cry, and explained that I have commited idoltary, and put other things before God... I was thinking I know this, tell me something new ?! But at that moment it hit me, I talk all the time about wanting to be intimate with God, about asking forgiveness. But I never actually act on it. I have never actually waited for God's response, I just shout at him what I want him to do. If we are supposed to have a relationship with God, I should wait for his response. I should talk, he should talk back, it shouldn't be just one way. So today, I am going to go for a walk, because if anyone knows me, you would know, i feel most rested when im walking or running. And I am going to wait for his response. God talks to everyone in different ways, if you look through the bible, he talked to david through a dream, he talked to moses through a bush, he talked to mary through an angel. I have always believed that God can only talk to me through an audiable voice, but i have noticed that he talks to me through people. I am a people person and God has provided people in my life when i needed them most, like Jon Wren, to go for a walk with, Elaine Strafford when I need a comforter, Bernine Stewart when I needed to just cry on my kings kids mission and my Mum for fighting my battles. They all probably feel like they have made no or very litty impact in my life, but they really have.
Dave is going to get Hannah (my one and one) to pray for me about my eating and confessing my sins, and hushing the devil's voice and lies out of my life tomorrow, i cant wait. Before he left me he said "this is a new beginning esther i believe it". I can't hear God much at the moment, but I'm pretty sure that was God speaking to me then.
Friday, November 6, 2009
i hope your reading this.
I'm very sorry mum I have not been in contact via email or skype, I think Im just going to publicly talk on here to you as well as everyone else who even bothers to read this.
I certainly hope YOU are reading this. I have been going through a really horrible time this week, and i know talking to each other is painful and even thinking about each other is even more heartbreaking. Something you probably love to avoid but I just hope your reading this, because I know you understand me best, and I hope I am in your prayers.
Soooo....
Tonight , my school watched the film 'year one', its the one with Jack Black in it, i think its only a certificate '12' and I'm pretty sure it does not have that much nudety or swearing. But our leader turned it off about half way through because he thought it was 'satanised' (or whatever that means), everyone in my school was disgusted, they thought the film was wrong and felt very strongly against it. They thought that the film was a picture of how our society is and how everyones so blahzay about sex and their disregard for christianity. I instantly thought i had a problem, I dont know if its the culture i live in, or how I've been brought up or the kind of people i mix with. But, I was totally unaffected by the film. I was so angered by the debate we was having afterwards about the film. I felt like I was the only one in the room who did'nt have a problem. Its only a film, why was everyone getting so passionate about it ?! Afterwards me and Nataly went for our ritual nightly walk, and the words that were coming out of my mouth were totally demonised I think. All of my thoughts and actions in the past week have been totally under spiritual attack. I think all worship is fake, i think praying is just a bunch of meaningless words and I think God has his favourites, for example, why do some people have these perfect lives so unaffected and others have messed up lives yet try and live the perfect christian life. I feel so distant from God since I have been here, I have not been able to hear his voice or have an image or even a "sign" from him. Is there something wrong with me?! Im trying so hard... okay maybe not that hard. I have not fasted in days and I havent had quiet time or waited on God. I feel like I'm using food as an idol, im filling my body with junk every day and not with God's spirit.
Today, in a lecture, Dave Niebling got all the girls on one side and all the guys on the other. He got all the boys to say sorry to the girls for how they have disrespected them and then all the girls to say sorry to the guys for being so easy and the way we dress. We were trying to represent all the men and women in the world. It was really emotional. Some guy said basically he was sorry for making girls rank themselves, for having standards and he asked us for his forgiveness. I was crying so much, but I so wanted them to say sorry for breaking my heart, for leaving me, for abandoning me and for not caring. But they didnt. I think it would help me forgive. I think i do forgive and I hold no bitterness. But maybe it will help me and my relationship with God. But they didnt. I dont know what God wants me to do or be.
I'm so angry in intercession, everyone prays that clicks will disapear and we will be like a "family" and we pray so desperatley that there will be no attractions between boys and girls on the base, but as soon as that ended and we left the room, everyone started talking about who they liked , who they thought was hot, people went back to their clicks! Whats the point in praying these prayers if no one even means them!?!?!?!?!?!
I hate that lately that every time I open my bible, i want to close it because Im so angry at God. Why am I so full of this anger?!
Besides this, I am so happy. I have the bestest friends here ever. My best friends Nataly and Liz are amazing, they are such great amazing sisters in Christ. They are so on fire for God, and they dont just speak Godly words but act on his word. I want to be like them so much one day. Yet they arent good toe shoes christians, they dont judge and I can talk about to them about my dark thoughts and anger. I wish everyone at home could meet me them, everyone would love them. I love Claire lots too! We are so emo together, we have a coffee addiction and just got off and complain about our lives, its so much fun!
I'm going to fast this weekend, maybe God will talk to me ?!
I have nearly been here for 3 weeks yet it feels like a lifetime, i cannot belive how close I feel with people, Nataly has stayed in my bed for the past few nights. I have decided I hate sleeping on my own, my mind is buzzing with so many questions and I replay what happened in my head all the time.
I never stop thinking about you, sometimes theres moments where i wish you was with me, and could see how beautiful things were, when I laugh i wish you was there to see how happy I am, how much Ive changed from the mess you left me in and when I cry i so desperately wish you was there so I could cry endlessly and let my thoughts run with yours and the times I need you most is when I lay my head down on my pillow at night and I wish you was with me so we could laugh about the day, laugh at peoples misfortunes, laugh at how silly we are and kiss me goodnight. Those are the times I need you most. But sleeping next to a friend helps, because i talk about my feelings out loud and it helps so much rather than them be swimming around in my head. I think God has blessed with me so many amazing friends. He is my provider.
thats all i know so far about him. At home I thought i was so hot on my relationship with God, but that was all on surface. I'm learning here that it goes deeper than that, and i have a hunger for that kind of relationship. Its only week three, things may change.
I want to change.
The other night in worship God told me to lay down all my desires and wants at his feet, this is a thing everyone knows im struggling with. I mean how do you turn off love and give it in. i put my desire on such a pedastool i dont think im ready to give it to god or fill that hole. i just know i have nothing to go back for i know this is where im supposed to be and i TRUST in god that he has great plans for my life and yours equally. i dont think ill be coming back to hextable, i dont feel right there. Im seeing what god has in store for me, but seeing as i cant hear his voice at all its going to be a battle discovering where in the world im supposed to be.
I hope YOU have read this, i beg of you, just this, keep me in your prayers.
Dear mum,
I miss you so much. I need you so much sometimes, i feel as if i lose perspective over my life and the reason why I'm here. But at the same time, I am so happy i have never laughed so much in life with the people here. Im growing and changing so much . I'm being broken down and streched so much . I just need to be built up again. Today, i needed you so much , I know this is terrible to admit, but today everyone was praying for God to come i was praying that you would come to me. I was so desperate to talk to you. Im so lucky to have a mum like you, your my confidence and my best friend. I cant think of a better mum to have brought me up i feel so much empathy for some peoples upbringing here when they shared it in their testimonies and how they never had a mother like you. I wish everyone could meet you. i cant wait to see you. I miss giggling over silly girly stuff and watching sex and the city and crying in to your lap about my problems and the way you take me for drives and having coffee in expensive places and talking. i seriously have never appreciated you more than now.
Thank you. p.s. i found this amazing charity shop down our road, they sell really dirt cheap nice vintage clothes for like $5. i brought a dress there for $8 and a vintage real leather belt for $2 .. thats where i will be shopping forever. and your packages havent yet come. but im glad you liked my cards... did you have fun reading the australian slang?! xxxxx love you lots, yours always est.xxxxxxxx
I certainly hope YOU are reading this. I have been going through a really horrible time this week, and i know talking to each other is painful and even thinking about each other is even more heartbreaking. Something you probably love to avoid but I just hope your reading this, because I know you understand me best, and I hope I am in your prayers.
Soooo....
Tonight , my school watched the film 'year one', its the one with Jack Black in it, i think its only a certificate '12' and I'm pretty sure it does not have that much nudety or swearing. But our leader turned it off about half way through because he thought it was 'satanised' (or whatever that means), everyone in my school was disgusted, they thought the film was wrong and felt very strongly against it. They thought that the film was a picture of how our society is and how everyones so blahzay about sex and their disregard for christianity. I instantly thought i had a problem, I dont know if its the culture i live in, or how I've been brought up or the kind of people i mix with. But, I was totally unaffected by the film. I was so angered by the debate we was having afterwards about the film. I felt like I was the only one in the room who did'nt have a problem. Its only a film, why was everyone getting so passionate about it ?! Afterwards me and Nataly went for our ritual nightly walk, and the words that were coming out of my mouth were totally demonised I think. All of my thoughts and actions in the past week have been totally under spiritual attack. I think all worship is fake, i think praying is just a bunch of meaningless words and I think God has his favourites, for example, why do some people have these perfect lives so unaffected and others have messed up lives yet try and live the perfect christian life. I feel so distant from God since I have been here, I have not been able to hear his voice or have an image or even a "sign" from him. Is there something wrong with me?! Im trying so hard... okay maybe not that hard. I have not fasted in days and I havent had quiet time or waited on God. I feel like I'm using food as an idol, im filling my body with junk every day and not with God's spirit.
Today, in a lecture, Dave Niebling got all the girls on one side and all the guys on the other. He got all the boys to say sorry to the girls for how they have disrespected them and then all the girls to say sorry to the guys for being so easy and the way we dress. We were trying to represent all the men and women in the world. It was really emotional. Some guy said basically he was sorry for making girls rank themselves, for having standards and he asked us for his forgiveness. I was crying so much, but I so wanted them to say sorry for breaking my heart, for leaving me, for abandoning me and for not caring. But they didnt. I think it would help me forgive. I think i do forgive and I hold no bitterness. But maybe it will help me and my relationship with God. But they didnt. I dont know what God wants me to do or be.
I'm so angry in intercession, everyone prays that clicks will disapear and we will be like a "family" and we pray so desperatley that there will be no attractions between boys and girls on the base, but as soon as that ended and we left the room, everyone started talking about who they liked , who they thought was hot, people went back to their clicks! Whats the point in praying these prayers if no one even means them!?!?!?!?!?!
I hate that lately that every time I open my bible, i want to close it because Im so angry at God. Why am I so full of this anger?!
Besides this, I am so happy. I have the bestest friends here ever. My best friends Nataly and Liz are amazing, they are such great amazing sisters in Christ. They are so on fire for God, and they dont just speak Godly words but act on his word. I want to be like them so much one day. Yet they arent good toe shoes christians, they dont judge and I can talk about to them about my dark thoughts and anger. I wish everyone at home could meet me them, everyone would love them. I love Claire lots too! We are so emo together, we have a coffee addiction and just got off and complain about our lives, its so much fun!
I'm going to fast this weekend, maybe God will talk to me ?!
I have nearly been here for 3 weeks yet it feels like a lifetime, i cannot belive how close I feel with people, Nataly has stayed in my bed for the past few nights. I have decided I hate sleeping on my own, my mind is buzzing with so many questions and I replay what happened in my head all the time.
I never stop thinking about you, sometimes theres moments where i wish you was with me, and could see how beautiful things were, when I laugh i wish you was there to see how happy I am, how much Ive changed from the mess you left me in and when I cry i so desperately wish you was there so I could cry endlessly and let my thoughts run with yours and the times I need you most is when I lay my head down on my pillow at night and I wish you was with me so we could laugh about the day, laugh at peoples misfortunes, laugh at how silly we are and kiss me goodnight. Those are the times I need you most. But sleeping next to a friend helps, because i talk about my feelings out loud and it helps so much rather than them be swimming around in my head. I think God has blessed with me so many amazing friends. He is my provider.
thats all i know so far about him. At home I thought i was so hot on my relationship with God, but that was all on surface. I'm learning here that it goes deeper than that, and i have a hunger for that kind of relationship. Its only week three, things may change.
I want to change.
The other night in worship God told me to lay down all my desires and wants at his feet, this is a thing everyone knows im struggling with. I mean how do you turn off love and give it in. i put my desire on such a pedastool i dont think im ready to give it to god or fill that hole. i just know i have nothing to go back for i know this is where im supposed to be and i TRUST in god that he has great plans for my life and yours equally. i dont think ill be coming back to hextable, i dont feel right there. Im seeing what god has in store for me, but seeing as i cant hear his voice at all its going to be a battle discovering where in the world im supposed to be.
I hope YOU have read this, i beg of you, just this, keep me in your prayers.
Dear mum,
I miss you so much. I need you so much sometimes, i feel as if i lose perspective over my life and the reason why I'm here. But at the same time, I am so happy i have never laughed so much in life with the people here. Im growing and changing so much . I'm being broken down and streched so much . I just need to be built up again. Today, i needed you so much , I know this is terrible to admit, but today everyone was praying for God to come i was praying that you would come to me. I was so desperate to talk to you. Im so lucky to have a mum like you, your my confidence and my best friend. I cant think of a better mum to have brought me up i feel so much empathy for some peoples upbringing here when they shared it in their testimonies and how they never had a mother like you. I wish everyone could meet you. i cant wait to see you. I miss giggling over silly girly stuff and watching sex and the city and crying in to your lap about my problems and the way you take me for drives and having coffee in expensive places and talking. i seriously have never appreciated you more than now.
Thank you. p.s. i found this amazing charity shop down our road, they sell really dirt cheap nice vintage clothes for like $5. i brought a dress there for $8 and a vintage real leather belt for $2 .. thats where i will be shopping forever. and your packages havent yet come. but im glad you liked my cards... did you have fun reading the australian slang?! xxxxx love you lots, yours always est.xxxxxxxx
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
difficulties.
This week has been so spiritually difficult. I have questioned why I am here and what I even believe nearly all the time. This morning we had worship and praise, and we was singing this song "God your love never quits... God your chasing after my soul" and "God you set me free". I struggled with singing these statments, because to be honest I don't believe God is pursuing me, or running after me, and I cetainley do not believe God has set me free. Looking around the room, seeing everyone jumping around getting all excited about the fact that God has set them free made me even more angry. God, has done so much for me, he is my provider.. he provides people in my life at just the right time, and he provides oppurtunities like my Kings Kids Mission in the summer, and my DTS in Australia now. But I find it hard to find the loyal and faithful aspect of God, as he has let me down, and has not kept to his promises. I want this to change, because I know these are my faults and not Gods. I know he is perfect , but I cant force myself to feel these things. The last few months I have struggled with an eating disorder. I starve my body and fast from food for days and then I will binge on food until my stomach hurts. This happens every day , every week. And I hate myself for it. My mood completely depends on my eating patterns, if I dont eat, I feel so confident and happy with life. However, on the other hand if I eat, my day is ruined and I have the mentality that if i even eat a bit i might aswell eat everything. I have put on a lot of weight this week, and at the weekend, I wanted so badly to go to the waterfalls or the beach, but i felt "fat" so i pretended to be ill and spent the day alone. This made me even more angry, I wasted an oppurtunity on something so silly. I know i have such a distorted image of myself. I have no self confidence at all, and since what happened lately in my personal life, i actually hate the person I am, my image and my personality. I think I am absolutly worthless. So ... whats the point in singing "God.. you have set me free" When in fact i am stuck in a stupid image mentality. So i was not going to be fake, but this just made things worse, because I just walked out and spent some more alone time. Which never works...
But later, I prayed with my friend Claire, and she prayed that God would break down these walls people have put in my mind. So anyways, straight after that when we got back to the base, some girls asked if i wanted to go the beach, my mind was saying no, but something made me say yes. I thought I'm not going to let myself not appreciate the fullness of this oppurtunity God has given me. I went, and I had the best time ... EVER! :D
How Good is God!?
We sunbathed and swam and then me and Claire went shopping in the city... makes a change . lol :p.
Tonight we had community worship, was good.. ish , kinda heard God's voice. He asked me to lay down all my hearts desires at his feet. But this still is a problem. I have trust issues with God. I will certainly get prayer for this though! oo yeah.
anyways, this weeks lectures, is about 'strength finders' my five strengths are: woo, positivity (which is stupid.. cos im an emo nearly all the time), empathy, strategic (finding the right decision in situtations... erm no) and communication!
so anyways, its also 'building gods temple in your life and breaking down the one you have made yourself' which is actually really relavant to the way i am feeling about myself.
I am so excited about this week, people please pray for my eating.
Thanks, peace out players. A town. doo dooo do doo doood do
i miss u mam!
xxxxxx
love u so muchos!
xxxxxxxxx
est
But later, I prayed with my friend Claire, and she prayed that God would break down these walls people have put in my mind. So anyways, straight after that when we got back to the base, some girls asked if i wanted to go the beach, my mind was saying no, but something made me say yes. I thought I'm not going to let myself not appreciate the fullness of this oppurtunity God has given me. I went, and I had the best time ... EVER! :D
How Good is God!?
We sunbathed and swam and then me and Claire went shopping in the city... makes a change . lol :p.
Tonight we had community worship, was good.. ish , kinda heard God's voice. He asked me to lay down all my hearts desires at his feet. But this still is a problem. I have trust issues with God. I will certainly get prayer for this though! oo yeah.
anyways, this weeks lectures, is about 'strength finders' my five strengths are: woo, positivity (which is stupid.. cos im an emo nearly all the time), empathy, strategic (finding the right decision in situtations... erm no) and communication!
so anyways, its also 'building gods temple in your life and breaking down the one you have made yourself' which is actually really relavant to the way i am feeling about myself.
I am so excited about this week, people please pray for my eating.
Thanks, peace out players. A town. doo dooo do doo doood do
i miss u mam!
xxxxxx
love u so muchos!
xxxxxxxxx
est
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