PUMPED PUMPED

SO HAPPPY ! thank you god!

Tear streams on your face.

This week lectures started. WOW. All my beliefs, views and ideas of God has totally been turned around. Kevin Norris this week is preaching on The Character and Nature of God. Because so often, as Christians we attempt to teach others about God when in fact we actually have no idea of who God is ourselves. To me, God has always just been this big, powerful creator, whom I can't have a human like relationship with. Well, I learnt tonight that God is much more than that he is a husband, a lover and a romancer.
"And now heres what Im going to do I'm going to start all over again. I'm going to take her back into the wilderness where we had our first date and Ill court her. Ill give her bouqets of roses. Ill turn heartbrak valley into acres of hope. She'll respond as she did as a young girl" Hosea 2:14.
I have finally learned what it actually means to be the bride of Christ and how i can have a human like relationship with God, he has become more real to me. Kevin Norris used analogies of a husband and a wife to communicate the idea of a loving relationship we can have with God. God is so passionate about me, i read in Song of Songs "You've captured my heart dear friend. You looked at me and i fell in love. one look my way and I was hopelessly in love! How beautiful your love dear dear friends far more pleasing than a fine rare wine your fragerance more exotic than spices".
This realisation made me feel so angry at myself, how I have been so angry at God and have rejected him, to God, it must feel like a wife rejecting her husband, turning her back on him. And, God feels abandoment and rejection. I want to read the Bible like a personal love letter. I want to be so passionate about God the way I have been with human relationships I have had.
I also learned that Marriage is not forever, husband and wife part when they die. Its fleeting it only lasts a short lifetime. Whereas Jesus' love for me is unchanging and forever, and whether I am on this earth or not he will always be walking with me. If i want to discover how much I love Jesus, and work towards making him my number one passion , i need to concentrate on how much he loves me.
Kevin Norris used the metaphor of our relationship with Jesus, being like the fairytale Cinderella. Like Cinderella, we are wretched and poor and weak, and God is our prince, desperate to seek and find us and make us his bride. Cinderella funnily reflects Gods story.
I want God so desperatley to be the centre of my life, my only one desire the purpose for my living.
Kevin also said, that when bad things happen in our lives, Christians and even our non christian friends jump at the chance of saying " all things happen for a reason" or "that must of been part of Gods plan"... okay, this is the most hurtful thing you could of said to me when i was experiencing difficulties. Because if that argument stands, then this implies a hateful, psychopathic God. His not the kind of God that makes husbands walk away from their wives, his not the kind of God who allows children to be raped, his not the kind of God who allows murders to happen and he is definately not the God who caused my heartbreak. Yes, he wants to discipline and stretch us, but he will do this in a loving and gentle way.
In the lords prayer we say "Let your will be done on earth as it is done in heaven"
we pray this as christians, why would we pray for Gods will to be done, if it had already been done.
I also believe that we live in a fallen world, there is evil in the world. And when bad things happen, there is not always a supernatural spiritual reason for it happening, sometimes bad things just happen, sometimes people just make bad decisions and sometimes people make mistakes. God is not in control of everything. Well he is in some ways, he is all powerful. But he is a God of free love, he gave us free will so we can choose to love him out of our own choice and therefore its not forced or fake.
Theres so much more to say !
I will write some more soon !
P.s. We had dance auditions today, o mann. I did some dramatic thing. I was so nervous my timing was all out and then I fell over and then I ran out crying and then I ran out ! o MANNN!
over the top aye?! But we have been judged and put into groups, i love my group. We have to choreograph a dance for tomorrows dance lesson, ours is so good! :D.
We had work out this morning at 6 am! ive never been so tired, i fell asleep in my lecture and just pretended to be praying and super spirtual! ha ha .
Missing home !
xxxxxx

im being all emo and down .

You are someone I want to forgive, but forget,
Yet it is the heart of yours i regretfully kept,
Time is precious, it passes by so fast,
Perfect transparent memory of you is the one to last.

Pain of surrendering you,
Is something God is telling me persistantly to do,
Im ignoring, screaming, hopelessly running away,
From what began in the heartache of May.

You will never fathom how much I loved everything you are,
And how important you remain, despite the distance being so far,
You managed to capture every part of me,
And I helplessly pray you could see...

The hope of what we had,
lost
and found.

Mount Tamborine

Hey all, just arrived "home" in Mitchelton around 6 pm this evening.
This weekend has been overwhelming, stretching and stripping.
The purpose of this weekend was to share our testimonies within our schools. I know exactly what my testimony is, what the most influential moment in my life is and how that moment has made me run to God. But, confronting that moment and sharing it with all these strangers has been so difficult. There is around 40 us on my school, and we all travelled around an hour and a half to Mount Tamborine on Saturday night to share all our messy lives with each other. I was so scared and nervous mostly about my voice not being barely audiable because of the tears I knew I was going to shed.
The photos I took of Mount Tamborine, really does not justify the beauty of it. Its seriously amazing. I have never seen anything like that in my life. At that moment I wish i could of transported all the people I loved to that very place so they could experience what I was seeing. I have seen so many tropcial beautiful birds. Just parrots sitting on the window ledge. Their beauty is indescribable.
Saturday Morning , I woke up feeling like I was going to throw up. The memories of what has happened over the past few months flooded back so strong. People shared their testimonies one after the other, people's stories were breath taking. The way their lives have been so affected, and the hurt and the pain, yet still they are so strong and passionate for God. It made me so angry at God even more. Honestly i do have a lot of issues with the ideas of punishment, suffering and trials.
I tried avoiding sharing mine, until after lunch. When I decided, that I wanted to put my full attention in to other peoples testimonies rather than worrying about my own while they were saying theirs. So, in the afternoon I worked up the courage to say what has happened. Yes, i did cry A LOT. More than I thought I was planning on. I was totally honest with people, which is the first time I have been with sharing my testimony. I didn't sugar coat it, or pretend to be something I was not. I am angry with God at the moment and I have no idea why I am hurting so much, or when the pain will stop. There is so many questions I have unanswered. I feel so ugly, alone and rejected and I look in the mirror now and I cannot see anything beautiful about myself. I wish i could say there was a super spiritul reason why I want to be here, but theres not. People have given me words and pictures why I should be in Australia but I can't. I just know that I can't remain in Kent. I am running away, but I'm confident I am running in to the arms of God. I feel like God has been nagging at me that I should sacrifice and give up what I want for him, but I just can't let go at the moment. I'm still in love with those desires, but I so badly want to be obiedient and give those passions up for God. I'm looking forward to the day that arrives.

I felt a sense of relief and freedom after I said my testimony. I know I have such a long way to get to the place of acceptance and love in life, but I feel as if that was the first step. I feel so rejected and abandoned at the moment, but I know God is there. I may not be able to hear him so strongly at the moment, or picture him any more but I know he is, in that small quiet place.

I had some prayer afterwards, and it was amazing. After this weekend, i see my school friends in such a different perspective. Their lives are amazing. I love them all so much and thats not just on the surface, I really do.
The journey home today was hilerious, we were in a really cool vintageyyy looking mini bus, and we was all singing and dancing and eating so many loaves of bread. I have eaten so much today , seriously, tim tams one after the other. So good. Some of us went to the dance studio tonight and had a dance party. Me and Liz were tribal dancing! pure jokes.

We have to be up at 6 tomorrow, for work out ! :(
o mannn.. I suppose its a good job ! :)
I love you mummy I miss you so much , so many times ive been praying for you and realising how much I have not appreciated you as a mum. Hearing peoples testimonies over the weekend and how terrible their upbringings were makes me feel so blessed, that i have great supportive parents. I love you both and I cannot wait to see you soon. I hope God keeps you safe! He is certainly keeps me safe, i know he has been holding me every day!
est xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

just a quickie

Hey hey hey , I hope your all actually reading these blogs and have managed not to get to bored.
Okay, well I am off to the Mountains (Mount Tamberine) for the weekend, just with the MAD school, so theres just the 40 of us. The beach to bush school are going to the beach , and the Sports shool are staying at the base.. gutted. I think we got the best deal! And we are staying in cabins, thank goodness for no camping. Although I cant avoid it forever.. we are camping on the beach soon!
We had a bonding session with the mad crew this morning, and we played some games.. the 'i never game' found out some interesting facts about people. We found out the dance schedule, we have to be up every morning at 6 am to work out for 2 hours. We have dance lessons 4 times a week and they take us to a dance accademy in town twice a week. Erm... okay I am so un fit! I get tired when I walk up the stairs.
This is unreal. Im going to be permanantly sweaty, going to have double up the dose of deodrant!
We then had service work.. some did kitchen clean up, baby sitting , looking after the elderly and guess what i had to do...manual construction!?
erm... me and this other girl were around 7 other guys building this house. lol!? im so weak.
i used a jack hammer! oohh yeah!
anyways, that was so tiring , i nearly died!
i saw so many lizards and spiders and possum. apparently theres tonnes of snakes everywhere.
last night me clare and glory used the dance studio to see each other dance and get a feel of our styles. wow wow wow they are amazing!
so technical and ballet . it reminded me of the days of me being the fat ballet dancer at the back of the class. But i loved learning off them and I got so excited, we made up this contemporary dance to this amazing song ive never heard of. It nearly made me cry. I got such kicks out of the fact that I managed to this turn i had been practicing all day. i felt like Billy elliot, you know the part where he is in the bathroom trying to do a pirouet and he keeps falling over.
We are sharing testimonies this weekend, im so scared! pray pray pray!
Il write when I get back. :)
Lessons and classes start next week.. lame :/ but exciting !
p.s. I have a tan! :D
and...
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM! :D

i love you. will make a skype date with you on monday night, so your monday morning ?xxxx
xxxxxxxxxx

IM A WENDY LOVER!

o wow , the past few days have just been a blur. I have a theory that every Australian person is born beautiful, i have seen one fat person, they are so darn healthy here. I'm defo the minority.
I have made such strong relationships with people already, on the second day, Liz Jantzen, Stephanie Degiovanni and Claire arrived. Liz is from Canada, Claire is from New York and Stephanie is from Georgia. And we all bonded so well. I am so lucky, like we didnt have all that awkward tumble weed conversations, we just talked as if we had known each other for years. I prayed on the way here that i would make room mates that i would click with straight away and wow I did !
We went to the 'mall' ah ha! And i was amazed by the wendys, they sell thee best milkshakes ever, its so bad ive had one every day since ive been here. How healthy :/I brought sheets for 50 dollars, o dude. They have got me saying stuff like 'im stoked' 'im bushed' 'dude', im such an American wanabe. Everyone is so impressed with my essex accent they are making me repeat loads of things and speak slowly. Although i dont think im a true representation of a british accent though.
That night we were talking in bed and we were so excited thinking it was late, and it was like 7.30 hardcore... and then we woke up at 5 am. I felt like an old person.
On wednesday, we had a day off before DTS starts on thursday, and laods of people were arriving.
We decided to head down on the bus to the city o man, im in love with this place. i so dont want to come back to england!
i love australia, it feels like home. as most of you know, the past few months have been a nightmare, but i finally feel like my smiles are genuine here. (o by the way im so giving up on my grammer).
O, i put my photo wall up, im such a creep. All the girls in my room are so impressed though !
So, i wake up to all your lovely faces in the morning , makes me miss you all the more though!
people in brisbane are so stylish, they have the best clothes. there is like topshop styles clothe shops side by side. and everyone looks like they have just jumped out of vogue. i thought i felt inadequate walking down bluewater. Its such a different story here. But, gee everyones so friendly, we walked in to this supermarket ... which is ( you will never believe... ) WOOLWORTHS! yes... it still exists here. yey :) and , this random lady Ann a shopping assistant gave us a random hug, and we were hvaing a coffee in BB's and some random woman over heard our convo and came up to us and said 'do you work for YWAM? cos i listened to you talk and you dont swear or anything' and gave us 50 dollars between us. wow how nice?! in london its not even acceptable to talk to people in the street unless its for the time.
Its so different here in culture.
in brisbane, nearly everyone is christian, there is a church on every street corner so beautiful! and they all look like beach huts!
we went in to a beautiful cathedral in the city, i so pictured myself getting married there.
me liz and claire all brought beautiful dresses from this gorgeous pink shop called princess polly.
that afternoon, the rest of the girls arrived in our room, 9 of the rest. Sonja from Finland, Anna Louise from France, Heather from Florida, Gracie from Ohio, Olivia from Colorado, Mary Louise from Denmark, Liz Acker from North Carolina, and some other girls i cant remember their names who i cant wait to talk to more.
The other DTS girls bedroom next door to us are so cool, Glory from New York arrived, shes beautiful, Amy Swane and Anna Booth are sisters, Cherilyn from Ontario, i cant remember the other girls names, but tehres 12 in there aswell, and then below us we have 12 guys who are doing the beach to bush school and then next door to them we have 12 guys who are doing the MAD school (same one as me) yey :).

Anyways, those girls were pretty beat when they came in so they went to sleep and the rest of us went down stairs and all hanged out on our computers with some of the guys. We stayed up a bit later, and me, josh, liz and jason all went down to Mc donalds at like 1 am, and got some ice cream and then we all walked back to the abse, i had a shower and didnt get to bed till like 2. But its so surprisingly cold in the mornings i was up at 5 cos of the cold. my 50 dollar sheets are not worth it ! serious!





Thursdayyyyy! :d
okay course starts. some went to the beach, but i was way to tired, wish i went but i have 7 months im sure ill get some beach time in. So a few guys and girls went to the mall and we just chiled out. And then we got back and went back to the mall lol cos we was bored! ha ha the regulars! but all this walking?! man im gunna come back 20 pounds lighter! :p
at 3 am we had tea and cakes ( how british) on the terrace with all the staff and pupils, so there was like 170 of us, it was madness. so many new faces. and guess what i tracked down one english person !? it was so exciting. she is from newcastle, repping the North! im so excited to see her, we talked for ages, it reminded me of home! and made me feel so good.. i actually managed to get some chit chat in about x factor and english things like university everyone here calls it college?! how stupiiid. lol :p
and then we got introduced to all the staff and had some welcome talk, okay there is so many hot guys DROOOOL! lol
and then , we played relay races in the park, me liz and olivia did the three legged race, we looked like such idiots it was so funny! we managed to come 2nd though ! ah ha ! :D

and then we had ice pops. :) they were guuud but they gave me a green lime one which was icky. and made my lips a funny colour, so i looked like the diseased english person.
yeah then we had a graduation night, tonight, that is.. one school (digital film making) people graduated. and we all got dresed up and looked all pretty. and then ate dessert and coffee and watched their films was good.

now i have a bit of free time.
lessons start tomorrow.. and we have auditions in dance?! wahtt im rubbish
PRAY FOR ME MANN
o yeah we are going to the mountains on retreat this weekend, just teh MAD people to the mountains, to share our testimonies and get all personal. im dreading it.. all day ive been reminded of the bad stuff that happened lately and ive tried to cram it to the back of my mind, and now its all going to have to come to the surface.. and im terrified. but as i was starting to get dwon this girl glory was talking to me, and God placed her right in to my life right then , because we shared so much withe ach other, and she encouraged me loads.
im really excited, and i want to be so obiedient for God and do whatever he wants me to do!
im happy and nervous!
o mannnnn! im stoked!

first day nerves

Hello everyone :)
I arrived in Brisbane Australia last night around 7 pm, Oz time. The flight in total took around 24 hours. It was crazyyy. Saying goodbye the past few weeks has been so emotionaly draining. Leaving Kent and everything I knew, seemed unreal and as if all along I have been talking about another girl leaving and not me. It only hit me that I was leaving till I was getting on the plane, and I was alone. The past weekend, has been amazing. Its reminded me of how much I'm going to miss home and how lucky i am that i have been blessed with so many loyal friends and the most amazing family.
We left for the airport around 7 am Sunday morning, and I can say I don't think I have cried ever so much in my life and waving goodbye to my mum was the hardest thing EVER.
But I'm pretty reasured the God will protect me and look after me.
I was a bag of nerves on my first flight , and I did'nt manage to stop crying nearly the whole way there, things didnt help when I decided to watch 'my sisters keeper' on the plane. The people sitting next to me were probably worried. The flight to Signapore took 13 hours. I had major pins and needles, so walking to the toilet i looked like a right idiot. I loved the fact that there was free food on demand. I had a million and one coffees and hot chocolates. This didnt help the nerves, by now I had the shakes.
I watched around 3 films, and a few edipsodes of the inbetweeners. WOW. But these planes, were no ryan air. It was massive, and had an upstairs and a downstairs. And a bar! And carpet, and the seats were allocated not like the usual ryan air, where its pretty much 'run and get a good window seat!
Getting off at Signapore was a nightmare, I had no idea which gate I had to be in. So i freaked out, just a bit. But I overheard this lovely safe-looking old couple saying they were going to Brisbane at the same time as my one, and so i stalked them to their gate! Thankfully, it was the right one. Okay, hands down Signapore airport is thee best airport in the world. Its so big and so nice. And all the air hostess' wear pretty chineese dresses and have their hair in buns.
Okay so my next flight was around 10 am , signapore time. The flight was about 10 hours. This one didnt seem like such a lifetime as the last one. I sat next to this girl , and she didnt talk much english so she just nodded and smiled when i was screaming and shouting about being excited when we was landing, i suppose the essex accent didnt help.
Coming in to Australia was so exciting, I nearly wet myself! I no longer felt scared or nervous. But so confirmed in my feelings that I was doing the right thing.
When i arrived in Brisbane australia, I was fascinated with the accent, every security guard and person i talked to sounded like they had just stepped out of home and away. I had no idea who was going to be there to pick me up or what they looked like, so I stood there and did the usual esther thing and cried. And then two girls, Andy and Jess had a massive sign saying 'YWAM'. I got so excited. They drove me to the YWAM base where I will be staying. Its really lovely and big. I was so tired, but i couldnt get to sleep at all, because your time was around 11.00 am then. I'm sharing with about 12 girls, Im the first one to arrive. Ive unpacked, and realised I didnt pack a hairbrush or sheets.. whats wrong with me !!? so i was to embaressed to ask anyone, and ended up shivering to death. I was so confused last night and was wondering why I was here. What was i thinking, I had only been in Australia for an hour and I was begging my mum to come home. Good start.. But things were better in the morning , i was awakened by some birds that sounded like savage monkeys outside my window. I changed about 5 times in the morning, i had no idea what to wear. The dress code is modest, and if anyone knows me, I wear denim skirts that look like belts and dresses that clearly dont fit me, I always have the theory that one day ill lose enough weight to look good in them, but i found a nice outfit and i wore a cardigan. MISTAKE! Its really hot! I found some people downstairs, this guy called steven (i think) hannah and jess and we went to this big meeting for the staff as known of the students have turned up yet. Apparently Im the only english person here. I will have no one to drink tea with and I dont even drink tea!
The meeting was good and scary. Everyone seems like a big family and really close. Im so excited but feeling a bit lonely. I miss home and my mum.
Going to the mall.. lol! the mall.. after lunch! But Im really not hungry its like 2 am your time!
The guys are hot here, surfer dude looking and the girls are stunning!
I have never felt so alone in my life, but at the same time I have never felt so loved.
I will keep you updated maybe in a couple of days time.
But I just wanted to say i am safe and well! lots and lots of love - missing home, est x