Christmas day.
This was a Christmas like no other.
Our school has been spending the past week on the beautiful Sunshine coast , on the down side, we have been staying in a shack. Well, it's
supposed to be a "boy's scout lodge" , it's basically in the middle of nowhere in the country side. There are cockcroaches everywhere and massive huntsman spiders ew.
We have no running water, this morning, i had a shower in the rain, it was beautiful and freezing. If we want to brush our teeth or wash our face we have to walk about 2 miles
to this park which has a public toilet. So you can only imagine how attractive I am looking these days. Me, Nat, Claire and Steph decided to get away from everyone
for the night of Christmas eve , so we booked an apartment in this cute rustic town called monteville.
The apartment was luxury in comparison to the shed we are staying in. The owners are the nicest people i know, they let Steph stay for free, they offered us lifts
to and from the town and back to our trash can when we came home christmas day.
Christmas eve was so much fun, i LOVED the fact that Christmas was nothing like a usual Christmas - it made me miss home less. Plus Christmas' are never what they
appear to be. The hype of christmas is so much more fun than the actual day, when there always seems to be some awkward fight or some depressing nostalgic feelings.
This was hands down my favourite christmas ever. We all went skinny dipping the night before in our pool, which was not as secret as we thought . The hotel balcony was
right above us, and a massive family with children were all pointing and laughing at us. We watched wayne's world and wedding crashers... festive films. I LOVE
buying presents , my love language is words of affirmation, but I'm sure it should be gift's because i love buying people presents! I brought nataly a possum, because
we both have an obsession with them, i brought claire this hippy dress to match her new dread's look, and i brought steph some pretty jewlerry just because.
Christmas day was disorientating , it did not feel like christmas at all. Perfect ! It was just what i needed, God is such a provider!!!!
I woke up early and went for a run through the country, it was beautiful. I was shouting and singing worship the whole way. Psycho beahaviour.
We had a healthy breakfast of chocolate cake and just chocolate. We all had another swim, and then got dressed, which was an ordeal for me, as nothing fits me anymore.
We all walked to town and took pictures of the beautiful town, just staring at the mountains and the stunning country side was just breath taking, it was the best
present God could of given me for Christmas ever,
check them out on facebook ! :) We then went back to the lodge about 4 pm. I opened my stocking from
my friends and i got beautiful letters from my friends, vouchers for gloria jeans coffee mmm, an edward cullen bag! :), a pretty skirt, and a tonne of candy.
We then went to the water falls, it was AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING! so, when we was on the coach beforehand, i was so pumped and arrogant "ill do the highest jump" "ill
do it easy" .... however, the walk up down the rocks to even get to the falls was a killer for me, i was slipping and cutting my legs and bleeding everywhere. It
was a nightmare, im the least outdoorsey girl ever. I grew up in Essex. We swam in the falls, and there were leaches everywhere because it had been raining.
Me landon nat claire steph and nick , climbed to the lowest jump , which they say is the lowest , but really its mahooosive. It took me forever and a day to jump.
I kept getting myself syked up for the jump, i was up there for at least 30 minutes just standing on the ledge. Landon was so supportive and encouraging. He said
he would not jump without me because the only way to come down from the rocks is to jump. There is a high risk of death as well!!! YES, DEATH!
Landon said he would jump with me, only if i jumped at the exact same time as him, otherwise if i jumped a second to late after him, my body would hit the water
in an awkward way and i could paralyze myself or hurt him. But i knew I could not jump alone. Seriously, I have such low self esteem around guys lately , but he was
sooooooooooooo supportive, and showed me such brotherly love. He was so patient with me, all the other guys were just jumping and diving showing off. We jumped in the end,
it was so scary, the fall is so long in the air, it was so hard to breathe. My hands hit the water in a weird way, and they are all bruised, my bum is seriously purple
with bruises, and my lower back hurts so much i can't even sit up or lay down. As soon as i got into the water, i wanted to the highest jump, i was so excited with
adrenaline. So me and Landon jumped from the highest jump, it took me ages once again, there were rocks pocking out of the cliff , so you had to run forward to not
land on the rocks. I jumped a second to late so landon dragged me down and i landed on my back first. It was a killer.
But the most amazing feeling in the world.
We all had christmas dinner, it was AMAZING! so yum, we then watched a bug's life!
tomorrow, we are travelling for a whole 17 hours, to airlie beach , its taking 2 days ,we are camping for a night.
the end, i miss u mummy, thank you for my stocking and letter :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx love love love . x
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
baptism! yeyeyey 18th december
18th December Today i was baptised in Australia. "we were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the father we to may live a new life. if we have been united with him in a death like his we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his."- Romans 6v4.
This week we have been having lectures on lordship. I have been learning that worship is not all about me, I need to stop singing songs like "oh how he loves me" ...or... "when the darkness closes in lord still I will say" ... I am becoming a needy christian, just demanding love and comfort from God all the time. Don't get me wrong these songs are amazing , when we need to hear these words and need to feel loved. Yet, I already have the knowledge that he loves me and i know he is faithful. As Christians we need to start worshiping god for who he is, his character and how great, amazing and abundantly giving he is! We are not in a one way relationship with God, i always expect him to give, give , give to me, and my prayers usually resemble a shopping list and i never seem to give back the praise and worship he deserves. Religion teaches us to concentrate on ourselves, and our wrong doing , however we need to quit looking at ourselves, and look to Jesus in us. Who is perfect, righteous and faithful. It is not through our actions that we believe , it is because we believe we change and then our actions change. I never understood why people fasted, committed themselves to quiet times, or worshipped so dramatically . It's because they love God so much. I had no idea that I had such a passion to love my brothers and sisters here, until a few days ago when i realised that Christ lives in them as well, and because he loves me so much i want to love on them as well. The only way we can truly follow Jesus, is to pick up our cross daily and die to ourselves daily. I used to get so frustrated with God, believing that i was healed after one night in one random church in a healing service, then realising that this was only temporary. It's a battle every day, and many battles I will lose, of course, but , the war has been won. I have won! Jesus won, there is nothing i need to strive for or do, he did it , he made a public example, by dragging a cross , pining himself to it and dying for everything i have ever done , dying to all my suffering and pain. I have never understood what dying to myself meant or the extent of that. I have always desired the "easy christian life" , in which Jesus can fit nicely in to my life ... just for Sunday's , while i carry on practicing my sinful nature, and committing the same sinful behaviour,and knowing that Jesus will always be there for me to repent. However, Paul says in the Bible that "I will not give to god which costs me nothing"I was meditating on this thought , and i realised that, no, i probably would not give up my past my hope of being married, my every desire, i will not lay down my earthly possessions, or my need to control my food. Yet, when Jesus came to earth he lay down his all, he died for me. I realised that i needed to die to myself,I am dragging around a dead Esther with me, I am living in the past . That Esther is dead. God covered my sin with his blood. I want to walk in to the calling he has for me, i want to be the Esther he originally created me to be. Our speaker suddenly said during mid lecture, "i know what we should do , we should have a baptism, if anyone wants to be baptised?" Personally, I was baptised as a 4 month baby , so of course i had no choice in the decision. He gave us a few moments to decide, I prayed about it and I felt God say to me, there is no right time to do this , do you want to waste another day Esther? or do you want to be the new Esther i designed you to be ?! ... So, out of the 40 students in my school, about 7 of us decided they wanted to be baptised in my leader Noah's swimming pool... classy. Before hand, they had us all prayed for, by everyone, I had to speak out everything I wanted to say to God. It was so hard to lay down my everything and say goodbye to the past , to the false hope of a future with him, to my eating disorder, to the lies spoken over my life. My identity is not in how i look, or how much weight i lose or gain, not in pretty dresses, or a relationship and the value of that which was laid upon me ,Rather, it is in the girl that God has named me. He calls me by the name beautiful, by the name, loved. I am discovering and i have to constantly remind myself day by day, that God would never create anything ugly or disgusting , but everything beautiful and adored. When i stepped in to the water, Hannah lenz, my one on one said to me that she had a picture of God taking his right hand and pulling me up from the deep dark waters and when I come up I will be called Queen Esther. And i will have the authority and power in me to say NO to the enemy when he comes along,he has no right or place in my life. CHRIST LIVES IN ME! The same power that conquered the world lives in me, nothing is impossible for Jesus, therefore nothing is impossible for me. I am spotless, sinless and pure. Not only has God forgiven me but he has also obliterated my sin. He has made me a brand new creation. I am a slave of Christ, brought by the blood of Christ. A slave is not described because of the way we act but because of ownership. Romans 7 says In me dwells no good thing except Christ. So i went down in to the water , and when i came up i left all my sinful nature and all of myself at the bottom of the pool. I came up as God's child, prepared to be used for his glory in anyway he wants me to be used. I just wanted to run screaming, I WAS SO EXCITED.
This week we have been having lectures on lordship. I have been learning that worship is not all about me, I need to stop singing songs like "oh how he loves me" ...or... "when the darkness closes in lord still I will say" ... I am becoming a needy christian, just demanding love and comfort from God all the time. Don't get me wrong these songs are amazing , when we need to hear these words and need to feel loved. Yet, I already have the knowledge that he loves me and i know he is faithful. As Christians we need to start worshiping god for who he is, his character and how great, amazing and abundantly giving he is! We are not in a one way relationship with God, i always expect him to give, give , give to me, and my prayers usually resemble a shopping list and i never seem to give back the praise and worship he deserves. Religion teaches us to concentrate on ourselves, and our wrong doing , however we need to quit looking at ourselves, and look to Jesus in us. Who is perfect, righteous and faithful. It is not through our actions that we believe , it is because we believe we change and then our actions change. I never understood why people fasted, committed themselves to quiet times, or worshipped so dramatically . It's because they love God so much. I had no idea that I had such a passion to love my brothers and sisters here, until a few days ago when i realised that Christ lives in them as well, and because he loves me so much i want to love on them as well. The only way we can truly follow Jesus, is to pick up our cross daily and die to ourselves daily. I used to get so frustrated with God, believing that i was healed after one night in one random church in a healing service, then realising that this was only temporary. It's a battle every day, and many battles I will lose, of course, but , the war has been won. I have won! Jesus won, there is nothing i need to strive for or do, he did it , he made a public example, by dragging a cross , pining himself to it and dying for everything i have ever done , dying to all my suffering and pain. I have never understood what dying to myself meant or the extent of that. I have always desired the "easy christian life" , in which Jesus can fit nicely in to my life ... just for Sunday's , while i carry on practicing my sinful nature, and committing the same sinful behaviour,and knowing that Jesus will always be there for me to repent. However, Paul says in the Bible that "I will not give to god which costs me nothing"I was meditating on this thought , and i realised that, no, i probably would not give up my past my hope of being married, my every desire, i will not lay down my earthly possessions, or my need to control my food. Yet, when Jesus came to earth he lay down his all, he died for me. I realised that i needed to die to myself,I am dragging around a dead Esther with me, I am living in the past . That Esther is dead. God covered my sin with his blood. I want to walk in to the calling he has for me, i want to be the Esther he originally created me to be. Our speaker suddenly said during mid lecture, "i know what we should do , we should have a baptism, if anyone wants to be baptised?" Personally, I was baptised as a 4 month baby , so of course i had no choice in the decision. He gave us a few moments to decide, I prayed about it and I felt God say to me, there is no right time to do this , do you want to waste another day Esther? or do you want to be the new Esther i designed you to be ?! ... So, out of the 40 students in my school, about 7 of us decided they wanted to be baptised in my leader Noah's swimming pool... classy. Before hand, they had us all prayed for, by everyone, I had to speak out everything I wanted to say to God. It was so hard to lay down my everything and say goodbye to the past , to the false hope of a future with him, to my eating disorder, to the lies spoken over my life. My identity is not in how i look, or how much weight i lose or gain, not in pretty dresses, or a relationship and the value of that which was laid upon me ,Rather, it is in the girl that God has named me. He calls me by the name beautiful, by the name, loved. I am discovering and i have to constantly remind myself day by day, that God would never create anything ugly or disgusting , but everything beautiful and adored. When i stepped in to the water, Hannah lenz, my one on one said to me that she had a picture of God taking his right hand and pulling me up from the deep dark waters and when I come up I will be called Queen Esther. And i will have the authority and power in me to say NO to the enemy when he comes along,he has no right or place in my life. CHRIST LIVES IN ME! The same power that conquered the world lives in me, nothing is impossible for Jesus, therefore nothing is impossible for me. I am spotless, sinless and pure. Not only has God forgiven me but he has also obliterated my sin. He has made me a brand new creation. I am a slave of Christ, brought by the blood of Christ. A slave is not described because of the way we act but because of ownership. Romans 7 says In me dwells no good thing except Christ. So i went down in to the water , and when i came up i left all my sinful nature and all of myself at the bottom of the pool. I came up as God's child, prepared to be used for his glory in anyway he wants me to be used. I just wanted to run screaming, I WAS SO EXCITED.
Friday, December 4, 2009
byron week two
byron bay! week 2. I hope you read the previous blog, because this one will make no sense otherwise! This week has been horrible horrible horrible! I have no energy whatsoever, so i let my memories and past grow stronger and stronger until they were in front of my eyes.I have no respect for myself or my body, so i just ate and ate until i wanted to throw up every day, i am waking up in the middle of the night to make myself throw upand do 200 crunches. I am hating myself more and more everyday, i see no hope. We have been having teaching on evangalism, and on wednesday night we had to act outwhat we had learn and go out to the city and attempt to talk to a group of people about a "deep and meaningful" conversation about god. My heart was not in the rightplace to begin with , i wanted the night to be over as soon as possible so i could go back to the church and throw up my dinner. There was heaps of schoolies out this night, and every one i felt likethey were staring at my horrible body. I was wearing a big jumper (the only thing that does fit me these days) and some shorts, i caught a glimpse of myself in a window walking past, and i startedbreathing so heavily i did not recognise the girl staring back at me. I was breathing and panicKing so much , i just started to run, what was i doing?! I was running away frommy team, i was running towards the ocean. I just kept running. I guess i just wanted to run away from myself. Hannah, my one on one, chasing after meshe stopped me, and was praying for me. I was so angry i did not want anyone to stare at me, let alone pray for me. I did nOt even want them to look at the mess, i felt like an elephant. I spoke with God, i told him i wanted the lies spoken over me to disapear. I have this standard in my head, of being perfect and skinnyand if im not reaching that standard then i might as well eat eat eat , because i am nothing. I hate destroying myself. I know clothes don't identify people but wearingmy pretty dresses and having my hair in a certain way gives me confidence it makes me Esther. That night , i felt dissapointment for myself, after all of last weeks breakthrough withken and after telling the enemy to leave my life, and starting to eat normally... i just slipped back in to old ways. The next couple of days have been horrible, i refuse looking in a full length mirror or going in to clothes shops because i cant stand my reflection. I just look in a compact mirror. My body is hideous. i can't feel my ribs, or my bones anymore. My face is bloated and i hate even writing this out. I hate thinking about why i feel like this. I hate thatwhat happened has had such serious consequences on my life, and the possibility that i am unsure if i will ever over come this, and i hate that he has been let off so lightly. that he can enjoy lifeand be happy and pretend like it never happened, and worse of all to think that he is "better off" and things worked out "for the best" . Which is the most disgusting sick phrase i have ever heard. Do not ever tell me this is gods will for my life, that what happened was for a reason and that this is for the best. Because if i let myself believe that god is not a lovinggod, then i very much doubt i would be here or doing a dts. It is not god's will for me to be like this, to struggle to get out of bed in the morning and to have the same circle of thoughts of notmeeting a standard so starving so binging so throwing up. Speaking this out, and being honest with God helps. I have realised that even if i am angry at god, i am going to run to him with thatnot run to myself, any emotion whether that be, happy, excited, sad, depressed, lonely or angry. I will speak it out to god. I'm in need of healing, true lasting healing. I'm planning not to eat for the next 4 days and then i will be happy. what is wrong with me?!?!?!?!??!?!!??!!?This week, relationships have been on my heart so strong its been a burden. Here at ywam, "special relationships" are totally banned because our focus is supposed to be on jesus. In the begining this rule was an absolute joke, everyone laughed about it. However , recently every girl here is touching a guy on our school, we sit there in lectures and girls are givingback rubs to guys, guys are playing with girls hair. I thought this would not bother me, but o boy does it! It bothers me so much i have to walk away because it makes me feel so awkard. I think its after whats happened to personally and my trust with guys, i just dont want to visually see this immature flirting. These people as far as i know no nothing about love or loss or hurt. That kind of touching should just be for your husband and no one else. Some guys try to draw tattoos on me, or stroke my arm or lean against me, the same as every girl. I dont want that. I see it as an analogy of sweets, if someone puts all their handsand fingers over a sweet and then give it to me, i would not want that sweet. I have made a vow, that i want every touch every cuddle and every kiss to be just for my husband. and i know that might be extreme, and i would of laughed at this before, but its something i so strongly feel and believe. I have been so hurt and abused by men in my life and i am only 18. I only get to live one life and i do not want this lifestyle the rest of my lifeSo i openly apologise for any guy that i have playfully hugged or touched, this is wrong. I am knowingly robbing you of your relationship with your wife. I feel so guilty. I also have a strong heart for the guys here on dts, theres one attractive young guy here from America, i will not say his name, but he has just turned18 and is a great friend of mine and with every otehr girl here aswell, every girl touches him and strokes him and lets them stroke him too. Every girl here is beautiful, if a load of christian good looking guys were touching me up every day i would be in heaven and my focus would not be on jesus, and i would not be the full potentialgod intended me to be. I feel so sorry for this guy, his love language is clearly physical touch, but girls have totally robbed him of his experience, i do not have a clue where his focus is, actually i can see where it is, he seeks out girls all the time to sit next to, he always has to be touching someone. we are trying to raiseup godly men, and lets be honest there is hardly any godly men in this world. Real godly men, that look for the godly beauty in a woman rather than outwardly beauty. We as women, are not being loving to them if we encourage this. Personally i feel so angry at myself that i have settled for less than i deserve in regards to relationships. I will not let myself settle for anything less than a godly man. I do not want to fall inlove with my husband, i want to fall in to god together. I want a man so passionate about god, and i will not let myself anymore go for anything less, even ifthis means waiting forever. I know god has created my perfect somebody, he knows my desire to be married, i truly believe he will not forsake me.I pray so hard that one day, i will be able to believe, that someone will love me whether i am fat or thin. i have been praying so hard every day , that i will be able to look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful, truly beautiful. It is my hearts desire. I know god created me , esther first, he created my smile, my laugh, my character before he put the outward layer on. And i know to him , my original design, the esther heknit together in my mothers womb is absolutley flawless and perfect. I pray one day a man will see this in me, and see me so perfect and beautiful. he will see my passion for Jesus, he will see my character, he will my love, he will see Esther.
byron week one
byron bay. week one! read read read read read this! i am writing this on the church floor that i have been sleeping on for the past 2 weeks. there has been zero internet, so i have not been able to be in contact with the world... no facebook. o dear. 60 girls have been sleeping on this church floor, with one shower! shock horror. It's not been so bad, but living in such closequarters has resulted in people being extremely short tempered. I stupidly forgot to bring a sleeping bag, so i just had a sheet. The first night i probablyhad around an hour sleep or less. However, thank goodness to Nataly, she has been sharing her sleeping bag with me every night.Every night i wake up scratching my legs because they are absolutley covered in bites, you can actually see the spiders and antsall infested in the carpet. Its so itchy to lie down during the night. It's been a preperation for south africa. The first week, was schoolies week. Schoolies is basically when a load of 18 year old Australians graduate from shool and they just go all out and go to the costal parts of Australiaand get drunk, for a week. Apparently its the " thing to do". Its basically like "freshers" for university, but worse, people are doing drugs everywhere, naked everywhere, having sex literally...everywhere. We was volunteering for this organisation called the "red frogs", they are an organisation that give out these red frog sweeties to drunk people.The MAD school, was allocated to day crew, so we had to go to the schoolies hotels or houses in the morning and make them pancakes, clean up their rooms. the schoolies were so schocked by our generosity and love, no one believed we was doing this for free. However i was being paid in eating the red frogs.The first hotel i remember doing , i was so nervous i had no idea what i was going to talk about with these people. In my team was Jess, Nick and Carla. we went to the backpackers inn,which i must admit , was a dirt bag hotel, it was 50 dollars a night and there was 5 of these guys in one room, so they were paying like 10 dollars a night, so 5 pounds. There were 5 guys staying in one room, and they answered the door in just their underwear...o my innocence! They had weed, bongs and alcohol lying around, which we had to clean up, i washed my hands throughly after. The guys there were so grateful and we managed to have a decent conversation, despite it being a tad awkward to begin with. I felt like a bit of a wedding crasher type, crashing in on their party. At the end of every morning i just endedup really angry at these schoolies parents, that they would willingly allow their children to go to these places, knowing all the chaos that goes with it and even worse to give them hoards of alcohol!After making pancakes every morning , you thought we would rest... but o no, it was straight out again. we set up this massive tentin the city and called it the 'hub' and every night we would have pancakes and chai tea there, and we all would wear our really attractive red frog t shirts, and spark up conversations with drunk people about God, something they did not enjoy. It was really odd to be on the outside of the party seenand not involved, i made friends with these girls, liv and rachel, that i met up with most nights at the hub. They seemed like my kind of girls i would be friends with, and i did not see the harm in them having innocent drunk frun. But, by wednesday i woke up with a sicky feeling and i felt so convictedthat i had not even tried to talk about god with them or about my faith i had even avoided it. It made me so sad, that i had missed such an oppurtunity, that i could of had an affect on these girls and planted a seed in their lives. I admited to myself that i was not even willling to go to the extent of making a fool of myself for jesus, when he went to the extent of dying for me. so from then on , i made a vow that i would ask schoolies about their beliefs and about god, without trying to shoving my views down their throat. Even if it was just tobe an example to them, by not being part of that scene and not having the same attitudes to them. The next evening i was feeling so drained and so tired, and after last weeks breakthrough with ken helser, i really felt the enemys attack on me. The feelings of not being good enough and worthless were so strong, i could not even stand walking down the streets of byron and seeing another beautiful girl. Every girl looked like they had lived in topshop their whole life, perfect hair, perfect tan, perfect clothes, perfect body , perfect perfect perfect. I felt like i would be a hypocrite if i was to talk with these peopole about jesus, and how great and beautiful he makes me feel, if i did not reflect that. i wore my hood up the whole of that night and was definatley walking in the oppisite direction jesus had placed for me that night. but god placed the perfect group of people in to my life just then . i saw some of the red froggers talking to this group and i thought i would just stand near by and listen, they heared my english accent, and were totally excited. They were all so thrilled to hear me speak, they kept wanting me to speak to them. I did not even haveto seek my next "victims" out to convert, but they just came to me. There was a guy there, called sam and he was gay. I absolutley adored him. We chatted for hours, and he said he grew up as a catholic and went to a catholic school, but after coming out as gay, his church, family and friends rejected him. He was really hurt by religion, i was so furious. Religion, the church and man really make me so angry, they have painted such a bad picture of church. I agreed with him that religion has messed up,because its built on man, but if you look at the bible and you look to jesus' life, then you can't argue. He lived a perfect life, and he was the one who hanged outwith the sinners, the prosteuts and the drunks. I did not even know what was coming out of my mouth, my words were so annointed by God. I really would not of made it throughthe night without God's strength. The following night , i so excited to get out there and be around these drunks. Byron bay is so amazing , its very hippy and very free. Its like the 70's, seriously google it.I started talking with this boy called josh, he was from england. it was like listening to an angel, i remembered how much i missed home. We talked for 2 hours, and he was so funny, he had moved to australia about 6 years ago, but had spent the past year in the south west, bristol. so he sounded like vikki polard, which just made the conversationall the funnier. he was impressed with the lifestyle i live and the principles i live by. i told him my testimony and how im waiting for marriage, i told him not only can i notdrink but i dont want to. i want my life to reflect and honour god. he was taking the mick and being sarcastic, but it was just the english humour i needed and missed so much i did not mind. he ended up proposing to me. it was hilerious, i said he needed to wait off 6 months though.
true worship. 21st november! read this
21st november 2009hello new world :)Tonight was the night that i had a revelation of god and how beautiful and amazing he is and how much he loves me. i know he is real , i knew tonight that God was nota delusion i created in my mind, he was made so real to me tonight. I sat there tonight in worship, at the end of ken helser's week 'the father heart of god', i was not expecting anything,knowing that god was not going to speak to me. I knew i was going to stand at the back of the room in the dark and watch everyone dancing and worshiping god. I have not wrote a blog in ages, or even commented on the ken helser week, but it was seriously amazing. I have never felt so much love from anyone. Ken is a truerepresentation of jesus, he really does live his life by jesus and acts out his love. His lectures were not based on head knowledge or learning but even more, he wantedto spend time with us individually he wanted to lavish love on us. When he looks at you, its as if he is looking in to you heart. In my life i have met some great christians, my dad is a great preacher, my mum has such a godly passionate heart, and my leaders here at ywam are amazing, but ken truly lives out a jesus lead life. He had a picture of all of us, and he prophesied and prayed over these pictures weeks before he came to be our lecturer for the week. He has no idea what has happened in my life, he made me come up to the front of the class, he hugged me gave me a song that his song jonathon david helser had wrote, 'fly', he believed this song was for me. This song , is the lyrics of my life. "i close my eyes, everything disappears, but your smile. i raise my hands , on a cliff i stand,arms open wide, your the father im the child, you whisper to me, step off the edge leave it all behind, leave it all behind, cut loose , cut loose the ties, let go, let go, for way to long, ive settled for these lies, when so much more was waiting on the other side, i think its time to cross this river so wide, leave these shores, step off the edge, leave it all behind, leave it all behind, cut loose, cut loose the ties, let go, let go, and fly,fly,you were made to fly"That night, i sank in to such depression, i cried and cried, i did not sleep all night. I wanted to die. I packed my bag, and decided i think it was time to go home. I was a lost case, my problems were way to beyond help. I felt like a burden on people, my friends were praying for me constantly and i feel like i am not trying and if anything i am resenting jesus more.I ran to my leaders house, hannah , at about 2 am in the morning i broke down, i was screaming. I have no idea what was coming out of my mouth, i was saying terribledemonised things. I did not go to lectures the following morning, i slept. Sleep away everything. Hannah came and got me, she begged for me to come down, i walked in to the room, everyone was sitting at their tables, sitting on their chairs. ken was at the frontof the class, prophesying over a girl called cherilyn. he turned to me and he started to cry. he came behind me, and was crying, he said jesus told him he was so sorryso sorry that this happened to me, it was never his intention, and he himself will fight for me to live. ken still has no idea what has happened to me or what happenedlast night. So, the 21st of november, back to that night , I had the same kind of healing deliverance prayer again, and outwardly i said i gave up my past but inwardly i refused. Once again i had failed. I stood there, my friend Glory came up behind me and whispered its a "matter of choice, you can get prayer every day, but at the end of the day it is your choicewhether you want to give god your heart or not". So i decided okay , ill do it, even if my worship is just me swaying side to side, and just speaking the words on the screen. God would be proud of me for even trying. I walked to the front of the room, so i could not see anyone and stood there, i said out loud, so loud, "i am yours, i am not his anymore " even though i did not feel anything or belive in these words. My mouth was speaking these words and my heart started to follow. I started to believe in the words so much that i wanted to be gods and not binded by an idol. I repeated it over and over again. I lifted my hands, and i was dancing. I had not even realised, my feet were dancing bythemselves, i was spinning, turning, waving, shouting. worship with a true heart. I had lost the fear of man. and that is when it came over me, i had just given my life to god and had walked away from my past , forgot the lies, refused to die. and chose to live. I cried so hard and fell to the floor. i heard my friends cheering. And thats when i heard for the first time in my life, EVER, the laughter of the living god. His real laugh , him laughing, so happy , so proud of me. I actually heard him. Despite my reluctance not to worship or partake in hearing gods voice. i did ! I cannot describe it in to words. But i know this is so real it is not fake! I cannot stress the fact that i have probably never had a true spiritual vision, heard gods voice clearly, or anything remotley spiritual and finally it was so clear. I SO desperatley needed a revelation of god , so much more exciting , than what i hadexperienced with my past,, because to me, that was the only exciting thing that had happened in my life so far, falling in love with earthly things.And, God gave it to me. i heard his laughter. i heard god laughing with me. I was so ecstatic, i ended up running out into the street and grabbed an old lady and told her that i had just heard gods voice. I had no idea know what to do with myself. I just kept laughing.
Monday, November 16, 2009
hurt
yesterday night i had a dream. i have never had a spirtual dream, but i can only put this one down to god, seeing as its nothing i would dream up of.
i was coming back home, it was a sunday i was about to go church, face my fear. and to be honest, it is my fear. my heart is already in hextable. im not puting my whole heart into australia because im always thinking about "when i get back... " "when he see's me again will i be skinny" "will i pretty enough?". Australia does not matter. It wouldnt even take an apology , it would be so simple and i would go running. I was in my kitchen at home, with my mum telling her how much I have changed after dts and I can't wait for everyone to see how much I have changed. I got to church , and on one side of the church standing there was him and his wife, i know her name i know exactly what she looks like, and on my side was all of my dts friends, we was at the front of the church, barefoot and dancing, WORSHIPING.
and i didnt glance over at the couple to my right , i just started dancing and laughing and I never looked back.
when i woke up i was crying so hard, nataly went to bed with me that night and she wasnt there in the morning and then it dawned on me "i am all alone , i have no one". and its the hardest thing to say out loud. but then i had a wave of contentment. on sunday me and nataly went to the beach we had just made friends with these girls who were backpacking from england, they asked us if we wanted to go out to town next week. i grabbed nataly's hand in the sand, and it was so exciting not knowing whats going to happen next, not having plans mapped out for you and having complete freedom. No, its not as exciting, or "butterfly" giving as the feeling of love, but it was still pretty exciting.
and for the first time in my life, i actually want to be single, which is odd because of always pictured myself in the role of a wife, so i know this urge must be from god. i want to be alone. Not knowing where my money, or my next plane ticket, or where i will end up gives me such freedom. so that morning i went back to bed.
the day was horrible after that dream, i really felt a heavy calling on me to say it out. to give it all up in front of god. but i kept putting it back.
this morning everyone is supposed to be giving their outreach options, but i didnt care, im still torn between 3 , and so i was stressing out. nataly and liz were on the viranda at about 12, i lay down , curled up, and just sobbed. i dont think i have sobbed like that since it happened, it was almost screams. and i dont know what brought it on.
and i finally said it, i finally laid it down at gods feet. No, i do not understand God's plan or "will" in this. But Im going to trust it.
It hurts so much , but now i know that i dont think going back to hextable is right and i dont think this is the call on my life. I dont think im supposed to be looking back but looking forward.
im seeing this experience more of a second chance in life, to experience so much beauty instead of a healing process. i think in some ways it would of been cruel of god to have left me in that relationship, just to play the role of a wife because even if i cannot see it now, i would of been robbed of so many other experiences.
I love playing the friend, i have never experienced friendships like the ones i have here. so intense and so selfless. I think i am a good friend. I also will not let myself believe, however, easy that might be, that i will never get married. god has put so much love for another on my heart, so so much. he would not design me in such a way for that to go to waste. he wants me to lavish it on another. but im learning , that i do not mind waiting for that.
im struggling so much this tuesday morning, none of my clothes fit, im feeling so vulnerable im just eating beacause i need comfort, im crying all the time, and blocking people out.
i miss you mum so much, and im sorry for being so honest in this.
i was coming back home, it was a sunday i was about to go church, face my fear. and to be honest, it is my fear. my heart is already in hextable. im not puting my whole heart into australia because im always thinking about "when i get back... " "when he see's me again will i be skinny" "will i pretty enough?". Australia does not matter. It wouldnt even take an apology , it would be so simple and i would go running. I was in my kitchen at home, with my mum telling her how much I have changed after dts and I can't wait for everyone to see how much I have changed. I got to church , and on one side of the church standing there was him and his wife, i know her name i know exactly what she looks like, and on my side was all of my dts friends, we was at the front of the church, barefoot and dancing, WORSHIPING.
and i didnt glance over at the couple to my right , i just started dancing and laughing and I never looked back.
when i woke up i was crying so hard, nataly went to bed with me that night and she wasnt there in the morning and then it dawned on me "i am all alone , i have no one". and its the hardest thing to say out loud. but then i had a wave of contentment. on sunday me and nataly went to the beach we had just made friends with these girls who were backpacking from england, they asked us if we wanted to go out to town next week. i grabbed nataly's hand in the sand, and it was so exciting not knowing whats going to happen next, not having plans mapped out for you and having complete freedom. No, its not as exciting, or "butterfly" giving as the feeling of love, but it was still pretty exciting.
and for the first time in my life, i actually want to be single, which is odd because of always pictured myself in the role of a wife, so i know this urge must be from god. i want to be alone. Not knowing where my money, or my next plane ticket, or where i will end up gives me such freedom. so that morning i went back to bed.
the day was horrible after that dream, i really felt a heavy calling on me to say it out. to give it all up in front of god. but i kept putting it back.
this morning everyone is supposed to be giving their outreach options, but i didnt care, im still torn between 3 , and so i was stressing out. nataly and liz were on the viranda at about 12, i lay down , curled up, and just sobbed. i dont think i have sobbed like that since it happened, it was almost screams. and i dont know what brought it on.
and i finally said it, i finally laid it down at gods feet. No, i do not understand God's plan or "will" in this. But Im going to trust it.
It hurts so much , but now i know that i dont think going back to hextable is right and i dont think this is the call on my life. I dont think im supposed to be looking back but looking forward.
im seeing this experience more of a second chance in life, to experience so much beauty instead of a healing process. i think in some ways it would of been cruel of god to have left me in that relationship, just to play the role of a wife because even if i cannot see it now, i would of been robbed of so many other experiences.
I love playing the friend, i have never experienced friendships like the ones i have here. so intense and so selfless. I think i am a good friend. I also will not let myself believe, however, easy that might be, that i will never get married. god has put so much love for another on my heart, so so much. he would not design me in such a way for that to go to waste. he wants me to lavish it on another. but im learning , that i do not mind waiting for that.
im struggling so much this tuesday morning, none of my clothes fit, im feeling so vulnerable im just eating beacause i need comfort, im crying all the time, and blocking people out.
i miss you mum so much, and im sorry for being so honest in this.
Friday, November 13, 2009
bksdfjvsdnvndv
so im sitting next to claire on the top of our bunkbed and i have not managed to stop laughing for the past 2 hours. you know those type of laughs that hurt your belly , that make you either want to go to the toilet or throw up. i have forgotten the reason why im actually laughing. and i just realised, i am so happy. i take my life for granted so much, life is so short. i have been thinking recently that i am nothing in comparison to the grand scheme of things, i am merely 2 seconds in Gods creation. i am not important at all, just a glimpse of life. but if i put myself into gods kingdom, then i think i give myself meaning.
yesterday , our mad group went to the city to the GOMA art museum, that was a fail. Because Noah our leader had no idea that 75% of the museum was closed off. But, how convenient, there was an art museum oppisite. To be honest, I am not the biggest fan of art, i should really appreciate it and i envy those who can just stare at a piece of art for hours. i stand as long as it takes for me to read the little piece of caption below the painting. the museum was not so bad, there was a lot of abstract, the white canvas' painted black annoy me. where is the creativity in that ?! i could do that, and i can just about draw stick people. afterwards we went to southbank in the city (the man made beach) and it was a beautiful day as always, so 40 of us had a traditional australian bbq. in oz, they have outdoor bbq's free to use everywhere, street corners, in parks, on beaches, everywhere! really nice, like a big fat oven outside, how weird! everything is so clean, and ungraffited, makes a change from romford station. we sunbathed for a while, but unfortunatley we had to go back to dreaded dance.
i am actually dreading it recently , i have little confidence as it is, and to stand in front of those great big mirrors for hours in awkward positions my body just won't let me do , makes me feel even more insecure. Plus everyone here is amazing at dancing , i am constantly ranking myself up against the other girls. There is such a pressure on the dancers as a whole, not just to dance well, but to look above compitition and the way we have been trained to dance, but to work as a team and dance for God's glory, as well as having the expectation of eating the right things, having the "dancers body" and working out at least twice a day. The dancing is so intense, i have been working out around twice a day in the gym plus dance workouts in the day , its hardcore. This is good, yet it leaves me little or no time at all to have quiet time with God or even spend time with him. I didnt necessarily come on dts for dancing , i just liked that it was a dancing dts because i enjoy dancing as a hobby and because i get my kicks from it when i manage to get a few moves right but some girls here, dance is their life, they live to dance. it makes me feel bad when i complain and i hate thinking that i am going to let them down, being the fat girl at the back of the room who cannot pick up the moves even though she has been taught 8 times beforehand.
Hannah and maureen taught us some choreography, soooo, okayyy. firstly i looked at the danced with a closed heart and mind, the style was odd to me, i had never danced in this kind of way before. it was almost a cross between hip hop and contemporary and ballet. so very odd.
the beat of the music is to percusion, and the rhythm is so odd, its really hard to be on time. this makes it even worse for me, considering i have no rhythm whatsoever. when i say that people dont understand "but your a dancer , you must have rhythm?" but really i just dance how i feel and hope that my moves connect smoothly.
i started learning the dance with a negative attitude. i was already frustrated with myself about my eating , so just dancing in the mirror made things worse. i picked up the dance okay in the end, and it finally manage to look okay.
i think as a dance group we often forget the real reason why we are dancing , we rarely pray before dance rehearsals and give that time to god, we just jump into it. i have some wonderful girls in my dance group who have so much patience with me, theres this girl called steph, she is beautful , she is a great mentor, she is always first to say she will help someone who is struggling.
so yesterday was difficult, but today has been much better.
blah blah, i wrote all that is above last night but didnt get to post it because internet failed. so im going to add a bit of whats happened today.
this morning , i woke up ill! so i crawled into bed with nataly, she played with my hair so that made me feel better. she annoyingly doesnt live in our room, which is probably a good thing because like me she is messy and steals everyones clothes, so put us together is chaos.
we discovered our outreach places this morning. the choices are:
1. a cruise on the mercy ship travelling around australia for 8 weeks
2. India! going to calcutta.
3. Canada! niagra falls. beautiful!
4. South Africa!
5. Japan!
I have no idea where to go, we are banned from talking amongst each other about it , so our choice is not influenced by our friends. Currently I am torn between 3, I have over the weekend to decide and we have to tell our leaders on tuesday where we will be going. I am going to pray about it, me and Nataly really want a spiritual dream. So we are going to pray tonight and she will sleep in my bed and hopefully God will speak to us. We are fasting together this weekend, anything, just for a sign. I really want my choice of outreach to be completely God chosen.
Okay, i have a book assignment to do this weekend.
Love est. x
yesterday , our mad group went to the city to the GOMA art museum, that was a fail. Because Noah our leader had no idea that 75% of the museum was closed off. But, how convenient, there was an art museum oppisite. To be honest, I am not the biggest fan of art, i should really appreciate it and i envy those who can just stare at a piece of art for hours. i stand as long as it takes for me to read the little piece of caption below the painting. the museum was not so bad, there was a lot of abstract, the white canvas' painted black annoy me. where is the creativity in that ?! i could do that, and i can just about draw stick people. afterwards we went to southbank in the city (the man made beach) and it was a beautiful day as always, so 40 of us had a traditional australian bbq. in oz, they have outdoor bbq's free to use everywhere, street corners, in parks, on beaches, everywhere! really nice, like a big fat oven outside, how weird! everything is so clean, and ungraffited, makes a change from romford station. we sunbathed for a while, but unfortunatley we had to go back to dreaded dance.
i am actually dreading it recently , i have little confidence as it is, and to stand in front of those great big mirrors for hours in awkward positions my body just won't let me do , makes me feel even more insecure. Plus everyone here is amazing at dancing , i am constantly ranking myself up against the other girls. There is such a pressure on the dancers as a whole, not just to dance well, but to look above compitition and the way we have been trained to dance, but to work as a team and dance for God's glory, as well as having the expectation of eating the right things, having the "dancers body" and working out at least twice a day. The dancing is so intense, i have been working out around twice a day in the gym plus dance workouts in the day , its hardcore. This is good, yet it leaves me little or no time at all to have quiet time with God or even spend time with him. I didnt necessarily come on dts for dancing , i just liked that it was a dancing dts because i enjoy dancing as a hobby and because i get my kicks from it when i manage to get a few moves right but some girls here, dance is their life, they live to dance. it makes me feel bad when i complain and i hate thinking that i am going to let them down, being the fat girl at the back of the room who cannot pick up the moves even though she has been taught 8 times beforehand.
Hannah and maureen taught us some choreography, soooo, okayyy. firstly i looked at the danced with a closed heart and mind, the style was odd to me, i had never danced in this kind of way before. it was almost a cross between hip hop and contemporary and ballet. so very odd.
the beat of the music is to percusion, and the rhythm is so odd, its really hard to be on time. this makes it even worse for me, considering i have no rhythm whatsoever. when i say that people dont understand "but your a dancer , you must have rhythm?" but really i just dance how i feel and hope that my moves connect smoothly.
i started learning the dance with a negative attitude. i was already frustrated with myself about my eating , so just dancing in the mirror made things worse. i picked up the dance okay in the end, and it finally manage to look okay.
i think as a dance group we often forget the real reason why we are dancing , we rarely pray before dance rehearsals and give that time to god, we just jump into it. i have some wonderful girls in my dance group who have so much patience with me, theres this girl called steph, she is beautful , she is a great mentor, she is always first to say she will help someone who is struggling.
so yesterday was difficult, but today has been much better.
blah blah, i wrote all that is above last night but didnt get to post it because internet failed. so im going to add a bit of whats happened today.
this morning , i woke up ill! so i crawled into bed with nataly, she played with my hair so that made me feel better. she annoyingly doesnt live in our room, which is probably a good thing because like me she is messy and steals everyones clothes, so put us together is chaos.
we discovered our outreach places this morning. the choices are:
1. a cruise on the mercy ship travelling around australia for 8 weeks
2. India! going to calcutta.
3. Canada! niagra falls. beautiful!
4. South Africa!
5. Japan!
I have no idea where to go, we are banned from talking amongst each other about it , so our choice is not influenced by our friends. Currently I am torn between 3, I have over the weekend to decide and we have to tell our leaders on tuesday where we will be going. I am going to pray about it, me and Nataly really want a spiritual dream. So we are going to pray tonight and she will sleep in my bed and hopefully God will speak to us. We are fasting together this weekend, anything, just for a sign. I really want my choice of outreach to be completely God chosen.
Okay, i have a book assignment to do this weekend.
Love est. x
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