chsdbchbsdhbchjsdb south africa !

Once again, this is a brief, poorly wrote blog ! I am having an amazing AMAZING time. I expected i would of been pretty tired and stressed with the schedule that's forced on us every day , but I am so full of joy and energy all of the time.
This week i have been learning that God cannot be put in to a schedule nor can he be reduced to a Sunday , we carry his presence everywhere we go. He lives inside of me. I am tired of living a comfortable christian life . I'm sick of living this double life. I'm like vapour, like a passing fog- here today, gone tomorrow. I want God to manifest my whole life , to dictate my thoughts , for my actions to be only good, that my mouth will only speak out encouragement. I want my discernment to be heightened, I don't want to pray words like "God i pray your my focus" and then listen to a song or watch a film that has an absence of Him and slanders his name. I want to put LOVE into action and not just words.
I want to live a radical life style for him, I'm done with conforming , the world is constantly changing , and all we do is chase after it. God is never changing , he is consistent.
This does not mean I will become some kind of nun. God does not want us to sacrifice up our personalities, he created humour and laughter.

Within my team i have been praying every morning against pride. During intercession times, i have been hesitant to pray , because sometimes i feel as if our prayers are just a show and we are just competing against one another for who can have the best prayer. But I felt God tell me that being passive , is just as bad as sinning . Having a prayer that will change the atmosphere at the tip of the tongue and not sharing it upsets God just as much . Plus, I'm just talking to God, i can stumble over my words and mess up, I'm just having a conversation with my dad. No prayer is ever wasted. So, I have been stepping out every day , praying in faith that people will be healed with cancer, leading prayer for a girl who was kidnapped.

Yesterday , we went to a woman's house from the Church, she asked for us to pray for her father who was suffering lung cancer and was predicted only a few weeks to live. I could of easily prayed for peace to come over him and just comfort . But , wake up! Cancer is not from God. It is from the enemy. We came into this world healthy and we will leave this world healthy . Illnesses like cancer, are demonic, we need to come up against them. I have built up such a strong faith since i have been in Africa. I have stopped putting God in to a box. I know who my God is , and i know he can cure cancer in a snap of a finger, i know he can surpass all understanding of the world, against any prescription or medication doctors subscribe.

Today, we have been doing train evangelism, singing on the trains and talking to people. I love it so much , if anyone knows me, I have no fear of man. I am the epitome of unshamefulness. As we were coming back from Capetown station, there was a man, who was so withered and thin, lying on the ground in the station. Crowds of people were around him, laughing at him as he tried to get up and fell back down, tonnes of people had cameras and phones out mocking him. I was sick sick sick to the CORE.... I pushed through the crowd, which probably was not that wise of me to separate myself from the group. Capetown is one of the most dangerous places in the world. We are never allowed alone the entire time we are here, even to the grocery shop 5 minutes away from the church ... Every ones packing a gun. I went to my knees, and this other woman came up as well, we lifted him up and carried him out of the station, ushering people out of the way . It was like he was an animal. He was so hard hearted, he was cursing the security guards and shouting at random people viciously. He only listened to me, i prayed for him in his ear, as people were swamping him, my team stayed close to me... so i was safe. He was crying , he said that the hospital chucked him out, at night people walk all over his body , he has TB and AIDS, his wife died... But he still has faith. I was awestruck by this man's hope. I blame God for the smallest things like if i miss a TV show. Of course, again, i cried and cried in front of him. I was not scared of his flaking skin, or his white spotted tongue, or pussy eyes. I looked straight into them and saw Jesus. One of the church leaders came up to me, i begged him if i could take him back to the church and look after him. He talked me out of it , it would be unwise and unloving , we cannot give him the medication he needed. So we called for an ambulance, and our Church leader is going to give me the ward number, so i can visit him.

Miracles are happening daily! God is so good. He protected a girl who was kidnapped by her boyfriend that morning, we prayed all day long , and that night God brought the girl home.
This week, has been the Church's evangelism launch , they have been having open air services in Leonsdale.. i shared my testimony again. I am more comfortable with it . I get so passionate and excited now I think i am about to explode. I talked about how God did not come to die for our sins only for us to wallow in our self pity and self hatred , he came to give us FREEDOM! This week, a verse that has spoken to me specifically is the one in 2 Corinthians, i think, about how we are like fragile clay pots, but we have this amazing treasure inside of us!

Overall, I am having the bestest time, I never want it to ever end. I am learning more and more each day especially not to care about other people's opinons as much as i used to stress and worry about judgements over me, but to only truly cherish God's thoughts about me, which are only proud and GOOD ones. To love others, but to love myself and not be trampled over.

I belly laugh every day ! My team are the best ! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE froms south africa. x

only a quickie... Valentines day

13th February :

The enemy once again robbed another day of my life. He creeped into my memory and like a thief snatched all joy from my eyes. It was my choice to allow these thoughts in, so really it is only myself to blame for the tears. The night before Valentines, the church held a valentines love feast for the members of the church and our team. The past few months on DTS, has ultimatley been a journey of self discovery, I believe I am at place where i know i am beautiful and all that jazz. But watching all the beautiful girls in my room getting dressed that night made my belly churn and my mind go into a frenzy. I am not good enough, then walking out in to the pink and red painted hall, surrounded by streams of hearts and cheap decorations, I felt sick. I knew i was under attack. The enemy started throwing images at me of the past. I knew that i have God's empathy laid upon my life, so i was feeling all the hurt from all those single hearts in the room that night. Valentines is so commercialised, and makes people feel so alone and brings back a lot of hurt from the past. Like I have said before, 365 days to tell someone I love them, why just today? I went to bed that night and sobbed my heart out.

14th February:

That morning , the boys made us breakfast: coffee, pancakes, muesli, fruit salad, the lot. It was endearing and sweet , they even attempted to sing... erm. Hopefully, next year, i will be reminded of today , rather than of past valentines. I woke up that morning , remembering the dramatic night before, and i was positive that today would be painful and difficult. Screw walking in the opposite spirit, sometimes its easier just to wallow in our self pity. However, that day was such a testimony to God using all of my dirt and hurt and transforming it into something beautiful. In the afternoon we was invited to the juvenile centre to hold a service for them. Beforehand, Nick asked, us to wait on the Lord, to see if he prompted us to share our hearts. i could feel my heart pounding. you know when God wants us to do something particular when he begins knocking on the door of your heart. But i was stubborn, i refused speaking out. The girls at the center were not just usual girls, they needed something that would really speak to their pain. Plus, i did not want a repeat experience of the last time i shared my testimony. But God spoke to me right at that moment he said that he has been preparing me the past few days for this exact hour, because i am experiencing this hurt first hand now, my vulnerability is demanded for the battle. Amy came up to me, and whispered in my ear, that God told her that i should share today. Then Liz came up to me an spoke a verse over me ... you were made for a time like this"... funnily enough the verse is found in the book of Esther. By now, it was obvious, God was yelling at me to share my testimony. I spoke to the girls that afternoon with bags of nerves and apprehension. But it was honest , it was raw. I left my handwritten prepared speech at home, and said it just from my hurt. I broke open my heart in front of them. Nearly most of the girls came up for prayer afterwards, pleading for their heart to be made whole again. I explained to all of them that there is no cure for suffering . There is no magic to make everything in to rainbows and butterflies. But i stand in confidence that God is love and he gives it to me abundantly. My emotions change from singing and dancing to waves of tears and upset... daily, but His love for me never changes, simple i know, but its something we needed to be reminded of because its so easily forgotten. He looks at me in the same way in whatever form i come to him in. I told them , don't expect your wounds to be fixed in an instant, its a journey. I was crying on my bed last night for hours, I don't think there will ever be a specific time when i will ever say i am completely healed. But the difference between the tears i used to cry and the ones i weep now, are that now i am now crying in his arms. He is my hope that i cling to through everything . I am not bothered about finding out the answers to why suffering happens, I'm sure there are a million and one plausible philispophical answers. I only care for the truth , and that is, he is love. Speaking out how far God has taken me confirmed and reminded me of his faithfulness in my life.

It solidified me in his love again. God was right - I was being prepared and tested the past few days for that exact moment . A great burden and weight was lifted.

I believe God was stitching broken hearts up on valentines day.

"therefore i am now going to allure her i will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There is will give back her hope and make a door of freedom".

yeah boiiii

bad spelling .. amazing time.. south africa 1

I only have 10 minutes left in a slow internet cafe.... So , apologies, for the terrible grammer and short summary of what we have been doing here so far.
Well, firstly I'm alive.
We left for South Africa on Monday night, the whole plane ride took around 20 hours. If you ignore the whole pain of travelling in general i actually enjoy sitting like a vegetable waiting for my prepackaged food. It was exactly what i needed. I journalled for the majority of the time, and talked with God. It gave me time to prepare my heart. We was welcomed into south africa, Capetown, at around 9pm. The church we are staying at are so hospitable, all smiling faces.
As we drove from the airport to the church we are staying at for the next two months (which fortunately does have a shower and beds.... score), we went past a slum. Rows and rows of tin houses. Places like south africa in my perfect bubble world only exist in postcards and adverts for AIDS, not in the lives of children and real people. Not one word was said.
The following day we went to the streets of Peril. It was picturesque, there were hoards of children playing on the streets, in the dirt, and just blocks of graffited flats.
We had "home church", we were parted in to groups, and we had to have a mini church service in their flat. I went in to this house, despite my reluctance they made me share my testimony. It was terribly shared, I didnt read it from the heart but rather from a handwritten piece of paper. The whole experience was awful. I was so nervous. I felt like a typical selfish westernized girl, who was i to preach to this family about my "sufferings", because when i looked up from my piece of paper, i looked upon real hardships. A single mother, with two children, no food, no money.
Poverty in its glory.
The woman explained she had a demon in the house, we caste the demon out. I witnessed with my very own eyes. It was amazing to see God's work firsthand.

Wednesday, we went to a juevinelle center for girls. The man in charge explained that the girls had a tendency to be hard hearted and closed off when sharing their feelings. Quite the oppisite. Amy preached on God's heart for his children. She shined. God anointed her words. the whole room was awestruck with her. She asked the girls up for prayer. I ended up praying for this particular girl, she was 18. Her child was taken away from her, and for shoplifting some food to provide for her child, she was thrown into the juvy center. I had nothing to say, so, i just held her, like God would hold her. She sobbed and sobbed in my arms. i prayed over her and declared God's love for her in her life. She asked for my necklace, i gave it to her without hesitation, it was like a treasure to her.

OKay... only a few minutes left wow this is the worst i have ever wrote.. sorry...
so, then yesterday we went to a AIDS and TB hospital. I was no where near emotionally prepared for what I saw. I went in to a ward, and that's when i met Piet. He was bed bound. He was so thin and withered you could make out the framework of his skull. His eyes were shallow and caved in. He could hardly speak. Our host, Tim, prayed over him.... "jesus is your healer... jesus is your hope"... what a good religious show. My heart broke, I didn't want my tears to frighten piet, but they didn't stop coming , I knelled at his bedside. And grabbed both of his hands, and just cried.
I said i have no idea why we suffer, and this is exactly what god does when he looks upon you. His heart just breaks. I reminded him of who god is . There was not much i could say , apart from loving him.

The journey home was heart wrenching , we was about to go back to the church and scoff our faces for lunch.... how? why? ... one word.. injustice. We will go back to that hospital every week, i hope i see piet again.. I hope he see's me. I plan to read to him.

I am having an amazing time here everyday , the schedule this week is pretty relaxed..
I cant wait to the heat gets turned on.. Im craving the hard road, because i want to give my everything. I want to be exhausted, with giving my love out again and again. because i know in confidence, that god will fill me up again.
okay mum love u xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
going to the juvy centre tonight , for the girls valentines party !
urgh valentines day.