byron week two

byron bay! week 2. I hope you read the previous blog, because this one will make no sense otherwise! This week has been horrible horrible horrible! I have no energy whatsoever, so i let my memories and past grow stronger and stronger until they were in front of my eyes.I have no respect for myself or my body, so i just ate and ate until i wanted to throw up every day, i am waking up in the middle of the night to make myself throw upand do 200 crunches. I am hating myself more and more everyday, i see no hope. We have been having teaching on evangalism, and on wednesday night we had to act outwhat we had learn and go out to the city and attempt to talk to a group of people about a "deep and meaningful" conversation about god. My heart was not in the rightplace to begin with , i wanted the night to be over as soon as possible so i could go back to the church and throw up my dinner. There was heaps of schoolies out this night, and every one i felt likethey were staring at my horrible body. I was wearing a big jumper (the only thing that does fit me these days) and some shorts, i caught a glimpse of myself in a window walking past, and i startedbreathing so heavily i did not recognise the girl staring back at me. I was breathing and panicKing so much , i just started to run, what was i doing?! I was running away frommy team, i was running towards the ocean. I just kept running. I guess i just wanted to run away from myself. Hannah, my one on one, chasing after meshe stopped me, and was praying for me. I was so angry i did not want anyone to stare at me, let alone pray for me. I did nOt even want them to look at the mess, i felt like an elephant. I spoke with God, i told him i wanted the lies spoken over me to disapear. I have this standard in my head, of being perfect and skinnyand if im not reaching that standard then i might as well eat eat eat , because i am nothing. I hate destroying myself. I know clothes don't identify people but wearingmy pretty dresses and having my hair in a certain way gives me confidence it makes me Esther. That night , i felt dissapointment for myself, after all of last weeks breakthrough withken and after telling the enemy to leave my life, and starting to eat normally... i just slipped back in to old ways. The next couple of days have been horrible, i refuse looking in a full length mirror or going in to clothes shops because i cant stand my reflection. I just look in a compact mirror. My body is hideous. i can't feel my ribs, or my bones anymore. My face is bloated and i hate even writing this out. I hate thinking about why i feel like this. I hate thatwhat happened has had such serious consequences on my life, and the possibility that i am unsure if i will ever over come this, and i hate that he has been let off so lightly. that he can enjoy lifeand be happy and pretend like it never happened, and worse of all to think that he is "better off" and things worked out "for the best" . Which is the most disgusting sick phrase i have ever heard. Do not ever tell me this is gods will for my life, that what happened was for a reason and that this is for the best. Because if i let myself believe that god is not a lovinggod, then i very much doubt i would be here or doing a dts. It is not god's will for me to be like this, to struggle to get out of bed in the morning and to have the same circle of thoughts of notmeeting a standard so starving so binging so throwing up. Speaking this out, and being honest with God helps. I have realised that even if i am angry at god, i am going to run to him with thatnot run to myself, any emotion whether that be, happy, excited, sad, depressed, lonely or angry. I will speak it out to god. I'm in need of healing, true lasting healing. I'm planning not to eat for the next 4 days and then i will be happy. what is wrong with me?!?!?!?!??!?!!??!!?This week, relationships have been on my heart so strong its been a burden. Here at ywam, "special relationships" are totally banned because our focus is supposed to be on jesus. In the begining this rule was an absolute joke, everyone laughed about it. However , recently every girl here is touching a guy on our school, we sit there in lectures and girls are givingback rubs to guys, guys are playing with girls hair. I thought this would not bother me, but o boy does it! It bothers me so much i have to walk away because it makes me feel so awkard. I think its after whats happened to personally and my trust with guys, i just dont want to visually see this immature flirting. These people as far as i know no nothing about love or loss or hurt. That kind of touching should just be for your husband and no one else. Some guys try to draw tattoos on me, or stroke my arm or lean against me, the same as every girl. I dont want that. I see it as an analogy of sweets, if someone puts all their handsand fingers over a sweet and then give it to me, i would not want that sweet. I have made a vow, that i want every touch every cuddle and every kiss to be just for my husband. and i know that might be extreme, and i would of laughed at this before, but its something i so strongly feel and believe. I have been so hurt and abused by men in my life and i am only 18. I only get to live one life and i do not want this lifestyle the rest of my lifeSo i openly apologise for any guy that i have playfully hugged or touched, this is wrong. I am knowingly robbing you of your relationship with your wife. I feel so guilty. I also have a strong heart for the guys here on dts, theres one attractive young guy here from America, i will not say his name, but he has just turned18 and is a great friend of mine and with every otehr girl here aswell, every girl touches him and strokes him and lets them stroke him too. Every girl here is beautiful, if a load of christian good looking guys were touching me up every day i would be in heaven and my focus would not be on jesus, and i would not be the full potentialgod intended me to be. I feel so sorry for this guy, his love language is clearly physical touch, but girls have totally robbed him of his experience, i do not have a clue where his focus is, actually i can see where it is, he seeks out girls all the time to sit next to, he always has to be touching someone. we are trying to raiseup godly men, and lets be honest there is hardly any godly men in this world. Real godly men, that look for the godly beauty in a woman rather than outwardly beauty. We as women, are not being loving to them if we encourage this. Personally i feel so angry at myself that i have settled for less than i deserve in regards to relationships. I will not let myself settle for anything less than a godly man. I do not want to fall inlove with my husband, i want to fall in to god together. I want a man so passionate about god, and i will not let myself anymore go for anything less, even ifthis means waiting forever. I know god has created my perfect somebody, he knows my desire to be married, i truly believe he will not forsake me.I pray so hard that one day, i will be able to believe, that someone will love me whether i am fat or thin. i have been praying so hard every day , that i will be able to look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful, truly beautiful. It is my hearts desire. I know god created me , esther first, he created my smile, my laugh, my character before he put the outward layer on. And i know to him , my original design, the esther heknit together in my mothers womb is absolutley flawless and perfect. I pray one day a man will see this in me, and see me so perfect and beautiful. he will see my passion for Jesus, he will see my character, he will my love, he will see Esther.